The knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob', where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effects of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob'. Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful; she remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems."
"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

The woman replied, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

I have sinned

The woman knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at her and said,

"My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin--it's a mistake."

What should we do?

Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh my God!," exclaimed Harry, "what should we do?"

"I'm not sure." said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."

My dog has swallowed a condom

Late one night a vet’s phone rings. A very upset woman pleads
“Please come and see my little doggie. He has swallowed a condom”
The vet reassures her that her little doggie will be OK and she can bring him to the surgery in the morning.
The woman sounds even more up set and pleads again “Please, please come and see my little doggie. He has swallowed a condom”
The vet agrees and drives round to see the dog. When he arrives and rings the bell. The door is opened by a woman who is smiling broadly. Thinking it might be the wrong house the vet says
“I have come to see the dog who swallowed a condom”
The woman says,

“Oh it’s OK now. We found another one”

Rare medical condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to reading his book. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Although assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she takes a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, I couldn't help but notice that you have sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
The woman replied, 'I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before', he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Black pepper.'

What should I wear?

Jimmy O’Brien was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” his CPA replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
“Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”
Confused, Jimmy went to his priest who would surely know the correct answer.
He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the priest. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.”
Jimmy did not understand: “But Father, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“It doesn’t matter what you wear,” replied the priest, “you’re going to get screwed.”

Men never listen!

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.

The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice."

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services."

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.

By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

Affirmative action

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people!

So, the other day passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up front in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we'll all die. . ."

Cowboy boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Accident at the Farm

A young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

Hurry - One Week Only

ATTORNEY HUNTING SEASON REGULATIONS

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout ‘whiplash’, ‘ambulance’, or ‘free Perrier’ for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder -- 2

2. Two-faced Tort Feasor -- 1

3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator -- 4

4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) -- 3

5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut -- 2

6. Honest Attorney -- EXTINCT

7. Cut-throat -- 2

8. Back-stabbing Whiner -- 2

9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser -- 2

10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender -- $100 BOUNTY

11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian -- 7

Twins

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the otherday, just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
I said, “Great. Tell me what you’re so happy about.”
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”
Then, she said “Oh, honey. There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....
(You’re going to love this!)


“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

I hope you don't mind

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Bewarw of the Scots

King Edward is marching into Scotland at the head of the English army. Just over the border he sees a small kilted figure on top of a hill. As they get nearer the figure jumps up and down and screams insults at Edward.
Edward turns to a big burly English sergeant.
“Take a couple of men and sort that Scot out”
The sergeant gallops forward with his men, and the little kilted figure runs away behind the hill.There is the sound of clattering and banging and then silence. Suddenly the little kilted figure is back on the hilltop screaming insults louder than ever. Edward turns to his lieutenant
“Take a company of men and really sort that irritating Scot out”
The lieutenant gallops forward with his men, and the little kilted figure runs away behind the hill.
The banging and crashing goes on for ages and ages - then silence. Then the little kilted figure is back on the hilltop once again screaming insults louder than ever. Edward turns to a knight.
“Sir Kight, Take a whole battalion and kill that impertinent Scot”
The knight gallops forward with all his men, and the little kilted figure runs away behind the hill.
The banging and crashing goes on for ages and ages - then, as before, silence.
Finally a lone figure covered in sweat and blood staggers back towards Edward.

“Sire” he groans, “It is a trap. There are two of them”

Ermine

What is the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A weasel is weasily recognised and a stoat is stoatally different!

Two members of the weasel family lived in the Rocky Mountains.
They fell in love and got married - and so became known as -

The United Stoats of America

New hearing aid

A man was telling his neighbour in Sun City Centre ,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

How would you describe your sex life?

This old man goes to see his doctor for a check up.
The doctor looks him over and says he needs to ask a few questions.
“How would you describe your sex life?” he asks.
“Infrequent” replies the old man.

“Is that one word or two?”

Merv had no ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a tile floor and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered,
“Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.
He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.”
Merv again was upset and threw her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,


“Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!”

Horse playing baseball

This horse wanders into a baseball training ground. It goes up to the coach and asks if it can have a game. The coach is taken aback by a talking horse and gives it a baseball bat.
The pitcher throws up a ball and the horse smashes it out of the ground. The coach says to the pitcher “Give him the fast ball”
Smash it goes out of the ground. Every ball goes flying out of the ground.
The coach says to the horse. “I know it is crazy to pick a horse but you are in the team”
With the horse smashing every ball out of the ground the team makes the finals.
In the final the scores are level in the final innings and the horse comes in to bat. For the first time in the entire season the horse miss-hits the ball which goes bouncing into the outfield.
“Run” screams the coach “Run”
The horse looks round at the coach and says

“If I could run I’d be in the Kentucky Derby”

Honeymoon

So this couple are in the Honeymoon Suite on the first night of the honeymoon. The groom sits down and removes his shoes and socks (as you do).
“Oh” says his bride “Your toes are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had toesillitis when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean tonsillitis?”
“No, my love, I do mean toesillitis, it leaves you with very small toes”
The Groom then drops his trousers.
“Oh” says his bride “Your knees are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had kneemonia when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean pneumonia?”
“No, my love, I do mean kneemonia, it leaves you with very small knees”
The groom removes his underpants and his bride comments,

“I see you also caught dicktheria!!!”

I have the breasts of an 18 year old

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

See that woman ...

Twelve years into the future and a new US President has been elected. The President-Elect is not only a woman but also a Jewess. Naturally she invites her family to attend the Inauguration.
Her mother says she cannot attend because it will be expnsive to travel.
“I’ll send Air Force One to collect you,” says her daughter.
Her mother says she cannot attend because it will be dangerous.
“I have the best security in the world,” says her daughter.
Her mother says she cannot attend because the food will not be kosher.
“I have the best chefs and can order anything I want,” says her daughter.
So the mother attends and is seated in the front row.
As her daughter is sworn in as President of the USA the mother turns to the person sat next to her and says –

“See that woman up there swearing in – her brother is a lawyer!”

That's nothing

So this lion, tiger and chicken are sat talking.
The tiger says, “I just have to growl and everything in the jungle runs for cover.”
The lion says, “I just have to roar and everything on the plains stampedes.”

The chicken says, “That’s nothing. I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics.”

Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young attractive woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough- Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was : Vaseline
She certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes”.?
Asked how she used it, she said “To assist in the performance of sexual intercourse.”
The interviewer was amazed. He said “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always lie and say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but we know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Ma’am, Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out. “

Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Wales.....
At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over and said, "Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

Every time I breathe ....

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

God is furious

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.
St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."
Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT??!!"
>
>
>
>
St. Peter says, "She's furious."

How old am I?

A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?''
About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds

Blondes!

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?


They had gone to see Closed for the Winter.

Second Opinion

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on yourspine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, herealized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A newsuit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a newshirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.



A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

What do they taste like?”

This man is driving down the motorway and he looks in his mirror and sees a chicken running along behind him. He puts his foot down and gets up to 100 miles an hour.
He looks in his mirror and sees the chicken still running along just behind him.
The chicken then pulls out and passes him. As it goes past he sees it has three legs.
The chicken goes racing up the motorway and down a sliproad so the man follows it.
The chicken races down a country road and then up a farm track and disappears.
The man screaches to a halt in the farmyard and gets out to look for the chicken.
Eventually he finds the farmer and says he is looking for a three-legged chicken.
“Oh” says the farmer, “That’s right – I breed them. My wife and I and my son all like chicken legs so I started to breed chicken with three legs.”
“Wow” says the man, “What do they taste like?”

“Dunno” says the farmer, “ We’ve never caught one!!!!”

BEST SEX IN 50 YEARS

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small pub. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this pub where you leaned against the fence...."
"Oh yes" she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and see if we can do it again for old time's sake?"
"Ooooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer (!!!) sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the pub and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops this trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like rabbits for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhhh God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life, it's the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing - the old boy was going like a train! I've got to ask him what his secret is!
As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"



The old man gives a weary smile and says, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

Taking the cow ...

This man is walking along a country lane and he meets a small girl walking towards him. She is leading a large cow with a rope round its neck.
The man asks her where she is going with the cow.
“I’m taking it to the bull, “ replies the girl.
“Shouldn’t you father do that?” ask the man.

The little girl tells him, “Oh no, it has to be the bull!”

Local knowledge

This man gets in touch with an old schoolfriend and agrees to spend Christmas with him in York in Yorkshire. He has never been to Yorkshire before but sets off driving up the M1 and the A1.
He has forgotten to take a map and does not recognise any of the names on the roadsigns. He sees a car in a layby ahead and stops behind it. He goes to the drivers window and taps on the glass. A grey haired lady winds down the window an inch.
The man says.
"I am trying to get to York to visit an old schoolfriend and I am lost. Do you know the York turn-off?"
The grey haired lady says,

"Know it? Know it! I've been married to it for 20 years"

I really am sick

Hung Chow calls in to work and says,
"Hey,boss I not come work today, I really am sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work."
The boss says,
"You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Baby names

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"


"Denephew."

Love dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud,
"Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
“Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but itis hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when the give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when the say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Faith healer

This faith-healer is stood in front of a large audience.
“Have faith in me, my prayers can heal the sick. I can make the deaf hear, the blind see and the lame walk”
“Hallelujah, is there anyone here tonight who wants to be cured?”
A man lurches down the aisle on crutches and staggers onto the stage.
“My friend, have faith. Our prayers will make you whole. I wont embarrass you so I will just call you ‘Number One’ Is there anyone else?”
A second man walks down.
“My friend, I can see no ailment?”
He answers in a high nasal voice “I’ve got a hare lip”
“You shall also be cured, I will call you ‘Number Two’. Both of you please go behind this screen and await your cure. Everybody help me with your prayers”
He goes into a trance, devoutly praying. Then calls out loud “Number One - throw out your crutches”
The crutches sail out over the screen. “Number Two - speak to me”

A high nasal voice cries out. “Number One has fallen over”

Brought his lunch

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: 'Do you men know Jesus Christ?'
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, 'Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?'
One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'?

The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch.'

Bloody women drivers!!

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away For a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!!

Know when to run!

Do dogs look like their owners?

I think so.

Redneck in Love

One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!”

Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl!

If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!”

Diagnosing a Patient

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”

Floppy Lips

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit.

He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’

It's how you say it

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes - $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00.”

Favorite Pastime

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn’t be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples’ favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.

“Sir, what is your name ?” ; asked the student

“John” ,

“Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime ?”

“Watching bubbles in bath,” came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.

“Sir, what is your name ?”

“Jeff!” ,

“Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?”

“Watching bubbles in bath,” was the answer.

Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime “watching bubbles in bath”.

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again - “What is your name?”

“Bubbles!”

The Cow from Minsk

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.

So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly.

The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.

When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left.

When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Airline Pricing

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

The Salary Theorem

Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Another flood

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Department seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Underwear dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied .'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.

Never underestimate a Woman

Man with a hare lip

This man with a hare lip goes to see his doctor and asks for a cure.
“How fortunate” says the doctor, “I have just read of a new surgical technique that completely cures hare lip. However because of the surgery to your mouth you will not be able to eat for awhile”
“Oh dear, how will I be fed”
“Simple we just insert an anal tube into your stomach. It is quite painless. Look, I am just going to have a cup of tea. Drop your trousers and I will literally pour you one.”
The man drops his trousers and the tube is duly inserted, and the doctor starts pouring in the cup of tea.. The man starts to scream and shout.
“What’s wrong – is it too hot. Are you in pain?”

“No, No, There’s no sugar”

Employee of the month

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says, ‘Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, ‘One’.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, ‘$101,237.65'.
The boss says, '$ 101, 2 3 7.65?' What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said, 'No the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing!

A lawyer and a blonde

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Ambidextrous golfer.

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. However, one of them relocated to another city and, to keep a foursome going, the other three admitted a lady lawyer into their group. They then told her that their usual teeing-up time was 6.30 am. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could sometimes be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said,
'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening two-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.The guys were impressed !!!
Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were very amazed, and wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They could not figure her out.. She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!
However, the next week she was 15 minutes late. This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her directly, 'How do you decide if you are going to golf right-handed or left-handed ?'
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'That is easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.'
'From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his schwartz was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.'
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air???'

She said, ...... 'That's when I am fifteen minutes late.'

A turtle was mugged ....

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York where he was mugged by a gang of snails. A detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what took place. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused expression on his face and replied,

“I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

What is the name of this place?

These two men are driving across Texas. They have been driving over the prairie for hours when they come to this town.
One of them suggests, “Lets stop at the fast food joint for a coffee and a bite to eat”
The other agrees, so they stop for a meal. They are sat by the window drinking their coffee and they can see the town road sign – NACOGDOCHES
Neither of them is sure how it should be pronounced.
They decide “We’ll ask when we pay the bill”
At the till the first man says to the girl taking the money,
“Excuse me, but could you tell me how do you pronounce the name of this place”
The girl looks at him, she leans forward and says – very slowly, as if she is telling a small child.

“B U R G E R – K I N G”

Blonde joke

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Church bells

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago , realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

Big words

A group of kindergarten children were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "No baby talk!"
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the SHIT."

What's that noise?

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."

Hokey Cokey!!!

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

Tax audit

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on oneside of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"

Political correctness

From an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year a definition was required for the contemporary term, 'Political Correctness'.
The winner wrote:'

Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'

Three guys in a bar ..........

An Irishman, an American, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At O’Neill’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and O’Neill himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Blonde's two dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
“Hellllloooooo," answered the blonde.

"They're watch dogs."

Men Vs Women

NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

ER - eat your heart out!

Little Roger Radish is a happy little child without a care in the world, hopping and skipping on his way home from school. Sadly he gets hit by a car and is very badly injured. He lies bleeding in the road when up roars an ambulance and out jump two paramedics, Joe Parsnip and Simon Carrot. They quickly bandage the wounds, put him in the ambulance and speed off with blue lights flashing and siren wailing.
At the hospital casualty ward Sister Potato and her highly trained team of nurses, Leek, Onion and Petit Pois, are waiting. Quickly the little radish is fitted with all the necessary drips and electronic monitors.
Doctor Cabbage examines the little chap and is very worried about his head injuries. Sister Potato says that luckily the country’s top brain surgeon, Professor Brussels-Sprout is actually in the hospital. Professor Brussels-Sprout agrees to operate on the little radish. They are in the operating theatre for hours and hours.
Finally the operation is over and the exhausted Professor Brussels-Sprout goes to see Mr and Mrs Radish who have been anxiously waiting. Professor Brussels-Sprout says,

“ I have managed to save your sons life, but I am afraid he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Draw a square

This boy is at school and the teacher asks the class to draw a square. All the children draw a nice square except one boy who draws a circle.
Teacher goes round the class praising their work, when she gets to the boy she says
“That is a circle - Go and stand in the corner”

“Where’s that then ?”

You are a consultant

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a Brand new Lexus SUV advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and an YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd,
"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"That is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his SUV.
Then he says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answers the young man.
"You are a consultant," says the shepherd.
"That is correct," says the yuppie. "How did you guess that?"

"Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for addressing a question I already knew the answer to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Legally blonde

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said,

"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

Proof That the World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind'!)

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is that a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their backsides.
(And I thought I had Bad Breath in the morning!)

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Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

1, 2, 3

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So eventually the doctor refers him to an old Gypsy medicine woman.
The medicine woman says, 'I can cure this.' That said, she throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. She collects the ash, then she says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'
The guy then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?' The medicine woman replies: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!'
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine woman had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'

And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition.

Oklahoma wedding

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

Larry's Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's Bar?"

An old cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

The guy who invented crosswords

Our family was in Edinburgh in October '05 and on a whim we decided to take a 'hop-on/hop-off' bus - a great way to see an unfamiliar city. We had travelled the circuit of the 'Auld Town', travelled most the length of the Royal Mile, passed Holyrood Palace and then circled the base of Calton Hill along Regent Road heading back to Princes Street we passed behind the 'Calton New Burial Ground'.

The 'Audio Tour Guide' informed us that; "the inventor of the modern crossword puzzle was a native of Edinburgh and is now buried in the New Calton".

There was a slight wry pause and it then went on to say: "His tomb is that big one, seven across and three down!"

Snoring sheriff

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof, I watched him all night."
The third night was s Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."
They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.”

Removing a curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Three men were hiking

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.
'Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God,please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
'Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.

'Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

What kind of pills?

A Farmer goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?""
Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Obituary

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

He is a catholic

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Sharing peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?''
We can't chew them because we've got no teeth.' she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

(It pays to be careful around old people!)

I didn't recognize you

A 55 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 42 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

Married for 50 years

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.

'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.

Vacuum cleaner salesman

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?"

Vacuum cleaner salesman

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?"

Poo

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. ' Daddy, where does poo come from? ' she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: ' Well you know we just ate breakfast?’
'Yes ' , answers the girl,
' Well the food we eat goes into our tummies and our bodies break down the food with strong acid, then we take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo. '
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds, her bottom lip quivering, and then she asks:

' And Tigger? '

Poo

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. ' Daddy, where does poo come from? ' she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: ' Well you know we just ate breakfast?’
'Yes ' , answers the girl,
' Well the food we eat goes into our tummies and our bodies break down the food with strong acid, then we take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo. '
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds, her bottom lip quivering, and then she asks: ' And Tigger? '

New cowboy boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some onsale, he bought them and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anythingdifferent NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
''Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat...'

The power of prayer

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase in no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

Three rabbits

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.
They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."