Blondes!

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?


They had gone to see Closed for the Winter.

Second Opinion

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on yourspine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, herealized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A newsuit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a newshirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.



A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

What do they taste like?”

This man is driving down the motorway and he looks in his mirror and sees a chicken running along behind him. He puts his foot down and gets up to 100 miles an hour.
He looks in his mirror and sees the chicken still running along just behind him.
The chicken then pulls out and passes him. As it goes past he sees it has three legs.
The chicken goes racing up the motorway and down a sliproad so the man follows it.
The chicken races down a country road and then up a farm track and disappears.
The man screaches to a halt in the farmyard and gets out to look for the chicken.
Eventually he finds the farmer and says he is looking for a three-legged chicken.
“Oh” says the farmer, “That’s right – I breed them. My wife and I and my son all like chicken legs so I started to breed chicken with three legs.”
“Wow” says the man, “What do they taste like?”

“Dunno” says the farmer, “ We’ve never caught one!!!!”

BEST SEX IN 50 YEARS

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small pub. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this pub where you leaned against the fence...."
"Oh yes" she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and see if we can do it again for old time's sake?"
"Ooooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer (!!!) sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the pub and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops this trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like rabbits for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhhh God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life, it's the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing - the old boy was going like a train! I've got to ask him what his secret is!
As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"



The old man gives a weary smile and says, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

Taking the cow ...

This man is walking along a country lane and he meets a small girl walking towards him. She is leading a large cow with a rope round its neck.
The man asks her where she is going with the cow.
“I’m taking it to the bull, “ replies the girl.
“Shouldn’t you father do that?” ask the man.

The little girl tells him, “Oh no, it has to be the bull!”

Local knowledge

This man gets in touch with an old schoolfriend and agrees to spend Christmas with him in York in Yorkshire. He has never been to Yorkshire before but sets off driving up the M1 and the A1.
He has forgotten to take a map and does not recognise any of the names on the roadsigns. He sees a car in a layby ahead and stops behind it. He goes to the drivers window and taps on the glass. A grey haired lady winds down the window an inch.
The man says.
"I am trying to get to York to visit an old schoolfriend and I am lost. Do you know the York turn-off?"
The grey haired lady says,

"Know it? Know it! I've been married to it for 20 years"

I really am sick

Hung Chow calls in to work and says,
"Hey,boss I not come work today, I really am sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work."
The boss says,
"You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Baby names

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"


"Denephew."

Love dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud,
"Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
“Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but itis hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when the give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when the say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Faith healer

This faith-healer is stood in front of a large audience.
“Have faith in me, my prayers can heal the sick. I can make the deaf hear, the blind see and the lame walk”
“Hallelujah, is there anyone here tonight who wants to be cured?”
A man lurches down the aisle on crutches and staggers onto the stage.
“My friend, have faith. Our prayers will make you whole. I wont embarrass you so I will just call you ‘Number One’ Is there anyone else?”
A second man walks down.
“My friend, I can see no ailment?”
He answers in a high nasal voice “I’ve got a hare lip”
“You shall also be cured, I will call you ‘Number Two’. Both of you please go behind this screen and await your cure. Everybody help me with your prayers”
He goes into a trance, devoutly praying. Then calls out loud “Number One - throw out your crutches”
The crutches sail out over the screen. “Number Two - speak to me”

A high nasal voice cries out. “Number One has fallen over”

Brought his lunch

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: 'Do you men know Jesus Christ?'
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, 'Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?'
One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'?

The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch.'

Bloody women drivers!!

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away For a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!!

Know when to run!

Do dogs look like their owners?

I think so.

Redneck in Love

One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!”

Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl!

If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!”