Evolution?!?

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Not since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955!'
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,' I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

Little brass bells

Grizzly bears in the US National Parks have started ripping the doors off parked cars to get at the food left inside, and are wandering around close to the carparks. So to avoid hikers walking along trails and running into the grizzlies outdoor equipment shops have started selling little brass bells. The idea is that hikers should sew the little bells onto their backpacks and the bells will go “ting a ling a ling a ling” as the hikers walk along the National Park trails. The bears will hear the bells and won’t be surprised by the sudden appearance of a hiker. The hikers will know that they have not confronted a huge grizzly bear, and they will also know that there are bears in the vicinity because they will see the tell-tale piles of grizzly bear shit by the side of the trail.
How will they know that it is grizzly bear shit?

Easy, that’s the shit with little brass bells in it.

From the mouths of babes

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Hypothetic vs Realistic

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.

His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.

He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".

"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."

He did and came back and said,
"She said yes."

And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."

He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"

And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!

The Accident

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern
medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for
medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he
made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Annual Check-up

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and
do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when
I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Sue," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes
off?"

Sue exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

Shopping Trip

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”

$65,000 Qudestion

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in
her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even
managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove
them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You
know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to
run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked
grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she
cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the
answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane,
now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the
quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily
before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as
Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she
knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running
and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the
heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it
into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Oranges for Grandma

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Cola?

Wonder what the dispatcher thinks.

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Jerusalem

A reporter goes to Jerusalem , having heard that a man had been praying at the Wailing Wall for 40 years. He did this every day at 11 o'clock.
"Have you really been here every day?" asked the reporter.
"Of course. Without continuity, the power of prayer is weakened," replied the old man.
"What do you pray for?"
"Well, peace in the world, end of hostilities in Iraq , calm in Afghanistan , brotherhood between Israel and Palestine , the end of global warming and so on."
"At the risk of being impertinent, you don't seem to have been very successful," suggested the intrepid reporter.

"I know," said the old man. "Sometimes I think I am talking to a brick wall."

My wife is poisoning me

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Molly the camel

The Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?',

No not really, sir...
'They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are'.