The guy who invented crosswords

Our family was in Edinburgh in October '05 and on a whim we decided to take a 'hop-on/hop-off' bus - a great way to see an unfamiliar city. We had travelled the circuit of the 'Auld Town', travelled most the length of the Royal Mile, passed Holyrood Palace and then circled the base of Calton Hill along Regent Road heading back to Princes Street we passed behind the 'Calton New Burial Ground'.

The 'Audio Tour Guide' informed us that; "the inventor of the modern crossword puzzle was a native of Edinburgh and is now buried in the New Calton".

There was a slight wry pause and it then went on to say: "His tomb is that big one, seven across and three down!"

Snoring sheriff

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof, I watched him all night."
The third night was s Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."
They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.”

Removing a curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Three men were hiking

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.
'Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God,please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
'Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.

'Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

What kind of pills?

A Farmer goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?""
Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Obituary

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

He is a catholic

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Sharing peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?''
We can't chew them because we've got no teeth.' she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

(It pays to be careful around old people!)

I didn't recognize you

A 55 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 42 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

Married for 50 years

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.

'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.

Vacuum cleaner salesman

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?"

Vacuum cleaner salesman

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?"

Poo

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. ' Daddy, where does poo come from? ' she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: ' Well you know we just ate breakfast?’
'Yes ' , answers the girl,
' Well the food we eat goes into our tummies and our bodies break down the food with strong acid, then we take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo. '
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds, her bottom lip quivering, and then she asks:

' And Tigger? '

Poo

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. ' Daddy, where does poo come from? ' she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: ' Well you know we just ate breakfast?’
'Yes ' , answers the girl,
' Well the food we eat goes into our tummies and our bodies break down the food with strong acid, then we take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo. '
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds, her bottom lip quivering, and then she asks: ' And Tigger? '

New cowboy boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some onsale, he bought them and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anythingdifferent NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
''Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat...'

The power of prayer

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase in no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

Three rabbits

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.
They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

I just can't think of your name!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her for a while. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

Crushed nuts?

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlour in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'

Watch that wall!

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the coffin out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan.
They open the coffin and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the coffin.

As they carry the coffin towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'