Yet more of the 12 days of Christmas

31st December

Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody Great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all?
The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.

Cordially yours,

Agnes
**********************************
1st January

What is it with you and these fucking birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place! Is it some sort of god damned joke?
The house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!! I am becoming a nervous wreck.
It is not funny anymore, stop sending these fucking birds!!!

Agnes.

More of the 12 days of Christmas

28th December

Dearest Darling John,
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.

You're loving

Agnes

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29th December

Dear John
What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.

Love Agnes

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30th December

My Dear John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger.
You really are an impossible boy, but I love you.
Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Love Agnes.

************************************

12 days of Christmas

26th December

Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.

With deep affection, You're ever loving

Agnes.

****************************
27th December

My Dearest Darling John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I am delighted, they are adorable.

All my love,

Agnes
**********************************

The wall

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."

Lets make sure he's dead

A couple of Florida redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm smoothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then, a shot is heard.

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS:

1. Under same management for over 5763 years.

2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

4. Shul committees should be made up of three members,two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

6. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

7. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?" The flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," Moshe asked.
"Yes or no" she replied.

8. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed andsays, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?"
Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living..."

9. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning.
Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter."

10. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently,
"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

11. And one final favourite! : A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks,
"Is anything all right?

How to Recruite?

How to Recruite?
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere

in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math,
history
and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a

yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever

heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the
hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

Her dog could hardly hear

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

I'm looking for my wife ...

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
“Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says,
"That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says:
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says,

"Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"'No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog."

Letter to Santa

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Christmas Tree

Great Christmas Tree - Wonder How It Handles Traffic?

Spiffy Volkswagon

Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the screen was filled with static. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture to come in clearly. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

How do you use vaseline?

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young attractive woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough- Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was : Vaseline
She certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes”.?
Asked how she used it, she said “To assist in the performance of sexual intercourse.”
The interviewer was amazed. He said “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always lie and say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but we know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Ma’am, Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out."

Cough cure

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the female clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The female clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The female clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough.

If I could run ...

This horse wanders into a baseball training ground. It goes up to the coach and asks if it can have a game. The coach is taken aback by a talking horse and gives it a baseball bat.
The pitcher throws up a ball and the horse smashes it out of the ground. The coach says to the pitcher “Give him the fast ball”
Smash it goes out of the ground. Every ball goes flying out of the ground.
The coach says to the horse. “I know it is crazy to pick a horse but you are in the team”
With the horse smashing every ball out of the ground the team makes the finals.
In the final the scores are level in the final innings and the horse comes in to bat. For the first time in the entire season the horse miss-hits the ball which goes bouncing into the outfield.
“Run” screams the coach “Run”
The horse looks round at the coach and says

“If I could run I’d be in the Kentucky Derby”

Read the card

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test, The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Get yourself a worrier

Mick goes down to his local pub. Paddy is sat in the corner, keeping very quiet and looking miserable.
He says, “What’s the matter Paddy?”
Paddy says, “Everything. I think my wife is having an affair, I owe a fortune on my credit cards, my car won’t start, and I don’t feel very well.”
Mick says, “I know what you should do. Go onto the internet and find your self a professional worrier.”
Paddy asks, “What’s that then?”
“Just a bloke who takes all your stuff and does your worrying for you.” explains Mick
A couple of weeks later Mick goes back to the pub and Paddy is singing in the karaoke, dancing at the disco and telling jokes.
“What happened?” asks Mick
Paddy says, “It’s all thanks to you. I did go onto the internet and I have a professional worrier – he is great.”
Mick says, “That’s wonderful. How much does he cost?”
“£500 a week” says Paddy
£500 a week. You can’t afford £500 a week” exclaims Mick

“I know but that’s my worrier’s problem now”

Three women go to Mexico

Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in The morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and they release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Oklahoma and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya'll right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

THE Carolina-Clemson Game

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Carolina-Clemson Game. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Carolina-Clemson game, the biggest sporting event in the state, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Carolina-Clemson game we haven't been together since we got married in 1970."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

I think I'm a moth

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "Well, the light was on."

Pet rooster

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent."we can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"what?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge." at our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!!"

Three tests

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills... The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests...you get all the money!!!"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! “What are the three tests?"
"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...
FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila... the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...
SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth...You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...
THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."
The man is stunned... "I know I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your MONEY stays where it is..."
The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally...he asks,
"WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp...Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...
Next... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up...The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside...They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming...the pit bull yelping .. and
then....

SILENCE .

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar ... with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody scratches all over his body... "NOW!......" he says...

"WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH ?!?!

Home on the range

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Tried and trusted

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

A little guy is sitting at the bar

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison"

I am 92 years old

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

A man with a hare lip

This man with a hare lip goes to see his doctor and asks for a cure.
“How fortunate” says the doctor, “I have just read of a new surgical technique that completely cures hare lip. However because of the surgery to your mouth you will not be able to eat for awhile”
“Oh dear, how will I be fed”
“Simple we just insert an anal tube into your stomach. It is quite painless. Look, I am just going to have a cup of tea. Drop your trousers and I will literally pour you one.” The man drops his trousers and the tube is duly inserted, and the doctor starts pouring in the cup of tea.. The man starts to scream and shout.
“What’s wrong – is it too hot. Are you in pain?”

“No, No, There’s no sugar”

Hymn #365

A Southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The choir leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River?"

Bottle of Merlot

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there ," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.

Hiding in the closet

A woman was having a passionate affair with a lover. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."

No matter how big they are!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her handbag shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks,
"What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

French connection

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." (and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on the website.)

Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

Hospital visit!

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."
Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Load of bull

This man is walking along a country lane and he meets a small girl walking towards him.
She is leading a large cow with a rope round its neck.
The man asks her where she is going with the cow.
“I’m taking it to the bull, “ replies the girl.
“Shouldn’t you father do that?” ask the man.

“Oh No. It has to be the bull” explained the little girl

The Pope was having a shower

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."

We invented sex!

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

better than pork

A priest and a rabbi are sitting together on a plane.
The priest asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?”
The rabbi answers. “Yes that is still one of our beliefs”
The priest asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
The rabbi says, “Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork”
The prest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
The rabbi asks, “Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?”
The priest answers. “Yes that is still very much part of our faith”
The rabbi asks, “Have you ever fallen for the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest says, “Yes Rabbi,on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and said,

"A lot better than pork, isn't it?"

What’s the treatment? Son

World War II. Just after D Day General Eisenhower goes on a morale boosting tour. He visits a hospital and goes on a tour of the wards. A soldier is laying on his front with a large bandage around his middle
General Eisenhower asks “ What happened to you ? Son”
The soldier replies
“Just a nick in the butt, Sir. But while I am in here they took the opportunity to operate on my piles”
General Eisenhower asks “What’s the treatment? Son”
The soldier says “They come every morning with a big brush and paint my wounds with white stuff”
General Eisenhower says,“That’s fine Son. What are your aims now?
The soldier says, “To recover as quick as I can, and get back on duty killing the enemy. Sir”
General Eisenhower goes to the next bed. A soldier is laying on his back with a large bandage around his middle.
General Eisenhower asks, “ What happened to you Son?”
The soldier replies, “Just a nick in the dick, Sir. But while I am in here they took the opportunity to clear up some diseases and circumcise me”
General Eisenhower asks, “What’s the treatment Son?”
The soldier says, “They come every morning with a big brush and paint my wounds with white stuff”
General Eisenhower says, “That’s fine Son. What are your aims now?
The soldier says, “To recover as quick as I can, and get back on duty killing the enemy. Sir”
General Eisenhower goes to the third bed. A soldier is laying on his front with a large bandage around his head.
General Eisenhower asks, “ What happened to you Son?”
The soldier replies, “Just an impacted wisdom tooth. Sir”
General Eisenhower asks, “What’s the treatment? Son”
The soldier says, “They come every morning with a big brush and paint my wounds with white stuff”
General Eisenhower says, “That’s fine Son. What are your aims now?
The soldier says, “To get the brush first. Sir”

Stagecoach pass this way

The Lone Ranger comes riding up, to find Tonto on the ground with his ear pressed closely to the trail.
"Hey, what you doin' Tonto?"
"Kimosabe, um Wells Fargo stagecoach pass this way one hour ago."
"Tonto, you're brilliant! How did you know that?"

"Bleedin' thing ran over me head.!"

Anybody here own the big white horse?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding across the dusty prairie all day. They come to a small town and dismount and go into the saloon for a drink. Later a man comes in and says
“Anybody here own the big white horse?”
“Yup” says the Lone Ranger
“It looks mighty thirsty” says the man
“I go and give Silver a drink of water, Kemo Sabbay” says Tonto
Later another man comes in and says “Anybody here own the big white horse?”
“Yup” says the Lone Ranger
“It looks mighty hungry” says the man
“I go. Give Silver a feed of hay, Kemo Sabbay” says Tonto
Later yet another comes in and says “Anybody here own the big white horse?”
“Yup” says the Lone Ranger
“It looks mighty sick” says the man
“I go run round Silver and fan him with warbonnet. Keep him cool” says Tonto
Much, much later a man comes in and says “Anybody here own the big white horse?”
“Yup” says the Lone Ranger

The man says “You’ve left your injun running”

Buffalo come

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the dusty prairie. There is nothing but grass in every direction. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto.
“It is very quiet. You are a Red Indian and skilled in the ways of the wild. What is happening”
Tonto gets off his horse and lays down on the ground. After a minute or two he gets up and says,
“Buffalo come”
“That is amazing” says the Lone Ranger, “How do you know”

Tonto replies, “Ear sticky”

Waddya mean ‘WE’?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the dusty prairie.
Suddenly there in front of them is a big warparty of Souix indians.
The Lone Ranger says “Quick. Lets escape to the West”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride to the west and there in front of them is a big warparty of Crow indians.
The Lone Ranger says “Quick. Lets escape to the South”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride to the south and there in front of them is a big warparty of Arapahoe indians.
The Lone Ranger says “Quick. Lets escape to the East”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride to the east and there in front of them is a big warparty of Blackfeet indians.
The Lone Ranger reins in Silver and says “Tonto. Old friend, it looks as though we are surrounded”

Tonto replies “Waddya mean ‘WE’? – Paleface”

This Aussie dies ...

So this Aussie dies and goes up to Heaven. At the Pearly gates St Peter apologises and says,
“There is a backlog and it might take ages to get you into Heaven. However if you agree to take and pass a short IQ test we can fast track you straight in”
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
St Peter says, “You have to answer 3 questions. There is no time limit but we have to accept your first answer”
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
St Peter says, “Question 1 is How many days start with the letter ‘T’?
Question 2 is how many seconds are there in a year?
Question 3 is our special Australian one – Who is named in the song Waltzing Matilda?
Do you understand?
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
St Peter says “Come back and see me when you are ready to answer”
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
And 5 minutes later he is back.
Are you sure you are ready as I can only accept your first answer?” asks St Peter.
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
St Peter says, “Question 1 is How many days start with the letter ‘T’? What is your answer?”
“Two” says the Aussie.
“Correct” says St Peter. “It does not count but do you know what they are?”
“Today and Tomorrow” says the Aussie.
St Peter winces then says, “Question 2 is how many seconds are there in a year? What is your answer?”
“12 Mate” says the Aussie
“Oh dear that is not the answer” says St Peter “How did you arrive at that answer?”
“2nd of January, 2nd of February 2nd of March and so on. 12 months equals 12 seconds” says the Aussie.
“That is not what we wanted but I suppose I’ll have to accept” says St Peter. “Now finally Question 3 was our special Australian one – Who is named in the song Waltzing Matilda? What is your answer?”
The Aussie says, “That was a tricky one Mate but I reckon the answer is Andy”
“Oh dear, that is not the name we have in our song” says St Peter. “Where did you get ‘Andy from?”
The Aussie says “ Just sing the song with me Mate.

Andy sat
Andy watched
Andy waited till his billy boiled …………….”

Wife's name

An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was. "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife - Three Horse – What does it mean?"

"Old Indian name, it means.... Nag - Nag - Nag"

Prince Charles hat

Prince Charles is invited to open a new Hospital ward at Cleckhuddersfax. On the great day his Rolls Royce arrives and he gets out to meet the Mayor and local big-wigs. On his head he is wearing a red fur hat with a tail down the back - he looks like Davy Crockett.
Of course no one mentions it so Prince Charles cuts ribbons, unveils plaques and makes his speech - all with the fur hat perched on his head. when he gets back on the Rolls to go home his bodyguard finally says.
“Excuse me Sir, but is there a reason for you wearing the fur hat to today’s ceremony”
Prince Charles replies
“Actually one is wearing the hat because one was told to. This morning we all gathered to breakfast with HM - Her Majesty!. She went round the table asking what we were all doing today”.
Andrew said he was launching a destroyer at Plymouth Dockyard, and HM said,
“Wear full dress uniform”
Anne said she was riding in Burleigh Horse Trials, and HM said ,
“Wear a hard hat and jodphurs”
I said I was opening a hospital in Cleckhuddersfax, and HM said,
‘Wear the fox hat’

A Scottish tale

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,"A penny for your thoughts, Frank.
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned onceagain to gaze out over the loch Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again."Another penny for your thoughts, Frank."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said,"Another penny for your thoughts, Frank."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again."Another penny for your thoughts, Frank."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Degrees of Blondeness

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and hisdog, then sat down on the steps putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.

Constipated Horse

Farmer John goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer John comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

Farmer John says, "The horse blew first."

The Maxim 2000

The girlfiend version. Click on the thumbnail to enlarge.



The boyfriend version. Click on the thumbnail to enlarge.

Stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

Bicycle tail light infraction

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Terroist Ready to Eat Meals

MPG

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.

Rocket Scientist

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question the brunette answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

NASA said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.

In reply the redhead said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."

"Again, "Thank you," and that they would get back to her.

Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they had asked the brunette and the redhead.

She thought for awhile and replied, "I would like to go to the sun.

"The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "I'd go at night!"

How would you like to be the mailman on this route?

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through out the class.

One day the nun asked her while she was napping, `Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?`

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary.

The nun said, "Very good"

Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the nun asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The nun said, "Very good!"

Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The farmers wife

Monica, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Monica, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here."

Monica says "Okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Monica walks with him down to the barn.

They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail. She tells him, "This is the one, right here".

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know that this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple - - By the nail over its stall." Monica explained very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

Monica turns to walk away, and says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on".

A Jury of Peers??

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter.

They all wanted the verdict to be NOT GUILTY.

Can I borrow the dog?

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse, about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?
"The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.



"Can I borrow the dog?"



"Join the queue."

Nice doggy

This guy drives a delivery van and he starts going out with a really rich girl. Eventually she says.
“Come round to afternoon tea and meet my parents”
So he drives his van up the long drive and parks in front of the mansion. His girlfriend meets him at the door and takes him into the huge, huge lounge to have afternoon tea with her parents. Soon he is sat on this vast settee balancing a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits trying desperately to think of something to say.
There before them, stretched out on the rug in front of the fire, is an enormous male Great Dane fast asleep. Suddenly the dog wakes up and starts vigorously licking its balls.
Still desperate for something to say the guy gives nervous laugh and says,
“I wish I could do that”
The girl’s mother replies, in cut glass tones.

“If you give him a biscuit, I’m sure he will let you”

Smart blonde

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde had just opened a book but she closes it and says "What would you like to discuss?"

He says "How about nuclear power?"

"OK" says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff.....grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

This is for you

Technology has moved on and a group of audio engineers were listening to the recordings of the first moon landing. Just before Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon they heard a lot of crackling and static.
They digitally enhance this and hear Neil Armstrong say,
“This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
So they phone up Neil Armstrong and ask him,
“Did you really say - This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
Neil admits that he did and naturally they ask him why. So Neil Arstrong explains,
“When I was a little boy growing up we used to live next door to the Zermanski’s. They were always argueing and shouting. I remembered one very hot summers night. I was in bed with all the windows open and I could hear the Zermanski’s shouting at one another in their backyard. Mrs Zermanski shouted,

‘Blow job! Blow job! - I’ll give you a blow job when that young boy next door lands on the moon’"

Business Signs

On the door of a dental office: We cater to cowards!"

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait!"

Super hero

One bright spring morning Superman decides to go out for a fly round. He phones up Batman.
“It’s a lovely day Batman, do you want to go for a fly round?”
Batman says “I’d love to but we have big trouble in Gotham City.”
Superman phones Spiderman. “It’s a lovely day Spiderman do you want to go for a fly round?”
Spiderman says “I’d love to but I have to sort out all my webs.”
So Batman goes out on his own. He soars round and as he is passing over Central Park he looks down and sees Wonderwoman. She is lying on the grass, stark naked her legs wide apart - and a smile on her face. Superman zooms down, faster than a speeding bullet and WHAM, BANG, off he soars again.
Wonderwoman cries “My God what happened?”
The Invisible Man says,

“I don’t know - but my arse is very sore”

Golfing injury

A ladies foursome are on the golf tee. One lady drives the ball and slices it horribly. The ball veers off at great speed, waist high. There is an anguished scream from behind some bushes and the ladies rush over.
When the get there, they see a male golfer bent double clutching his nether regions. The woman says she is very sorry and that she is a trained physiotherapist.
Gently she pulls his hands to one side, pulls down the zip and proceeds to massage him. After several minutes she asks, “How does that feel now?”
The golfer says,

“Actually that feels wonderful - but my thumb still hurts”

Bragging rights

Four friends , who hadn't seen each other in 30 years , reunited at a party. After several drinks , one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said , "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said , "Darn , that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline , and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company , where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well , that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame.....what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No , I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.

His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened to come across a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:

“Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

“I don't f*cking think so...!

She called in sick

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed,
"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

Some lovely quotes

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill.

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas.

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating.

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr.

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard.

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford.

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder.

"I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead."
--Laura Kightlinger.

Hidden meaning

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Consultancy

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Lexus SUV advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and an YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd,
"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"That is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his SUV.
Then he says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answers the young man.
"You are a consultant," says the shepherd.
"That is correct," says the yuppie. "How did you guess that?"
"Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for addressing a question I already knew the answer to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

Ready Thursday

A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" the man asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the shoe shop.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" the customer called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

Old joke

This young lad is sent to prison, and he is put in a cell with an old lag who has been there donkeys years.
The old lag says “Stick with me son I’ll show you the ropes”
They go to the recreation period and sit around a big table with all the other prisoners. One prisoner says “12” and all the rest collapse laughing. Another says “31” and again all the rest collapse laughing. This goes on for ages.
Back in the cell the young lad asks “What was all that about? Why are numbers so funny?”
The old lag explains “It isn’t numbers. They are jokes. There are 37 jokes and we all know all of them - so to save time we just gave them numbers”
“Can I tell one of them? asks the young lad
“No problem” says the old lag “Any number between 1 & 37”
Next evening at recreation the jokes are flowing and the young lad chips in with “22”. Nothing - no laughs, not even a smile.
Back in the cell he asks “Is 22 a bad joke?”
The old lag explains “No Son. It isn’t the joke - it’s the way you tell it”

Which religion?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!".
" When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think We are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians."

Puddles

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.'

Best "Out of Office" Automatic Replies

Personally, I'd like to try all of these and see if my boss, who says he has a great sense of humor, really does!

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/8. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as " Sharon " instead of "Steve".