Two bored casino workers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice, and yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down, and hugged each of the dealers, picked up all the money and her clothes, and departed.
The dealers stared at each other -dumfounded.
Finally one of them asked: "What did she roll?"
The other guy answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Jewish bra
A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady,
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size, 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for those as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra,or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and thePresbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said, "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size, 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for those as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra,or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and thePresbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said, "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"
"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Human Sexual Behaviour
This professor goes to give a lecture on Human Sexual Behaviour, and the hall is packed. He explains the is no average number of times a couple should make love. They should do it as often as suits themselves. He says that it is not a competition and different couples have different needs.
To demonstrate this he asks how many couples make love every day. Quite a few hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every week.
Lots of hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every month.
Quite a few hands are raised.
He says some people are content to make love just once a year.
A little man at the back jumps up and waves his hand.
The lecturer comments “ You seem remarkably happy to be making love just once a year”
“TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT !!!”
To demonstrate this he asks how many couples make love every day. Quite a few hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every week.
Lots of hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every month.
Quite a few hands are raised.
He says some people are content to make love just once a year.
A little man at the back jumps up and waves his hand.
The lecturer comments “ You seem remarkably happy to be making love just once a year”
“TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT !!!”
Monday, January 28, 2008
What's he like?
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."
Thursday, January 24, 2008
I have saved your son
Little Roger Radish is a happy little child without a care in the world, hopping and skipping on his way home from school. Sadly he gets hit by a car and is very badly injured. He lies bleeding in the road when up roars an ambulance and out jump two paramedics, Joe Parsnip and Simon Carrot. They quickly bandage the wounds, put him in the ambulance and speed off with blue lights flashing and siren wailing.
At the hospital casualty ward Sister Potato and her highly trained team of nurses, Leek, Onion and Petit Pois, are waiting. Quickly the little radish is fitted with all the necessary drips and electronic monitors.
Doctor Cabbage examines the little chap and is very worried about his head injuries. Sister Potato says that luckily the country’s top brain surgeon, Professor Brussels-Sprout is actually in the hospital. Professor Brussels-Sprout agrees to operate on the little radish. They are in the operating theatre for hours and hours.
Finally the operation is over and the exhausted Professor Brussels-Sprout goes to see Mr and Mrs Radish who have been anxiously waiting. Professor Brussels-Sprout says,
“ I have managed to save your sons life, but I am afraid he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
At the hospital casualty ward Sister Potato and her highly trained team of nurses, Leek, Onion and Petit Pois, are waiting. Quickly the little radish is fitted with all the necessary drips and electronic monitors.
Doctor Cabbage examines the little chap and is very worried about his head injuries. Sister Potato says that luckily the country’s top brain surgeon, Professor Brussels-Sprout is actually in the hospital. Professor Brussels-Sprout agrees to operate on the little radish. They are in the operating theatre for hours and hours.
Finally the operation is over and the exhausted Professor Brussels-Sprout goes to see Mr and Mrs Radish who have been anxiously waiting. Professor Brussels-Sprout says,
“ I have managed to save your sons life, but I am afraid he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Who is in the limo?
After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," . said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor?."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"He's got the Pope driving for him!"
"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," . said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor?."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"
"He's got the Pope driving for him!"
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Biker and the little old lady
A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said since he didn't live far, he would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said,
"Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went . .
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said,
"Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went . .
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"
The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."
Monday, January 21, 2008
Green side up
A couple who want to buy a new house go to the building site. They meet the site manager in the office and he agrees to let them look round the show house.
He opens the door to let them inside and stops and shouts “Green side up” then follows them inside. He shows them round the lounge and halfway through describing all the wonderful features he opens the window and shouts out “Green side up”
They go into the kitchen and the same thing happens. Halfway through he opens the window and shouts out “Green side up” Upstairs they tour through all the bedrooms and the bathroom and in every room he opens the window and shouts out “Green side up”
Finally he takes them down to the hall and asks if they have any questions. The husband says he does and asks. “Why do you keep opening the windows and yell ‘Green side up’?”
The site manager says “Oh that. I have a gang of Irish labourers in the garden laying turf”
He opens the door to let them inside and stops and shouts “Green side up” then follows them inside. He shows them round the lounge and halfway through describing all the wonderful features he opens the window and shouts out “Green side up”
They go into the kitchen and the same thing happens. Halfway through he opens the window and shouts out “Green side up” Upstairs they tour through all the bedrooms and the bathroom and in every room he opens the window and shouts out “Green side up”
Finally he takes them down to the hall and asks if they have any questions. The husband says he does and asks. “Why do you keep opening the windows and yell ‘Green side up’?”
The site manager says “Oh that. I have a gang of Irish labourers in the garden laying turf”
Friday, January 18, 2008
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up,whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning some things here -- got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much".
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up,whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning some things here -- got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much".
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Yorkshiremen
Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in Oxford Street. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing well .. Only two left!"
The moral for Southerners - Don't mess with Yorkshiremen!!!
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing well .. Only two left!"
The moral for Southerners - Don't mess with Yorkshiremen!!!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Short Love Story
A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fu*king blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fu*king blanket.'
After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Take the penguins to the zoo
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says:
"You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands:
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
"You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands:
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"
The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"
Monday, January 14, 2008
Barbie
A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.
The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
and Divorced Barbie: £299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer,
and Ken's best friend.
The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
and Divorced Barbie: £299.95
Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"
Exasperated, the girl responds:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer,
and Ken's best friend.
Friday, January 11, 2008
I know him!
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
Thursday, January 10, 2008
One wish genie
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.The genie said,
"Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"The woman did not hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with eachother and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being ina bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."The woman thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f**king map again."
"Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"The woman did not hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with eachother and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being ina bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."The woman thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun,likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f**king map again."
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
I thought you said ....
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
That's the same
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put €50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put €50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the €50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
Monday, January 07, 2008
I was sitting .....
There is this man who has a very well paid job in the city. He is 60 years old and has a heart condition. He lives with his beautiful 30-something wife in a penthouse apartment on the 22nd floor of a city centre block.
One day he is in the office and decides to give his young wife a surprise phone call. He dials the apartment and there is no reply. He thinks she must be out shopping. He keeps calling and never gets a reply.
Eventually he decides she must be having an affair and decides to dash home and surprise her and catch her out. He rushes out of the office and jumps into a taxi. The taxi gets stuck in gridlocked traffic so he jumps out and rushes to the apartment block. His heart is thumping away when he arrives and discovers he has left his keys back in the office.
He rips the door off its hinges and runs into the lobby with his heart thumping even faster. The lifts are out of order so he starts running up the stairs. 22 floors later he reaches the top, heart thumping away, and as he has no keys he smashes the door of the apartment down and leaps inside. His wife strolls into the lounge casually buttoning up her blouse.
He shouts “Where is he. I’ll kill him!”
He searches the apartment and does not find anyone. Then he looks out of the kitchen window and sees a man running across the front yard pulling on his trousers. He picks up the fridge and hurls it out of the window and hits the man 22 floors below killing him instantly. The effort is too much for his heart and he also dies instantly.
He wakes up to find himself in the celestial waiting room by the Pearly Gates.
An angel appears with a clipboard and says, “I just need to confirm some details before we can process you. Is there a Mr Green here?”
“Yes,” says Mr Green.
“Can you tell me what happened?” asks the angel.
Mr Green says, “Well I was in bed having a cuddle with my wife when the alarm rang. I did not want to be late for work so I dashed off. I was running to catch my bus still pulling my trousers on when I got flattened and ended up here.”
The angel says, “That was a tragic accident but you are indeed dead. Is there a Mr Brown here?”
Yes,” says Mr Brown.
“Can you tell me what happened to you?” asks the angel.
Mr Brown tell him how he dashed home, found no one and hurled the fridge out of the window.
The angel says, "That is what happens when jealousy takes over but now you are dead. Is there a Mr White here?”
Yes,” says Mr White.
“Can you tell me what happened to you?” asks the angel.
Mr White says, “Well I was sitting in this fridge ……”
One day he is in the office and decides to give his young wife a surprise phone call. He dials the apartment and there is no reply. He thinks she must be out shopping. He keeps calling and never gets a reply.
Eventually he decides she must be having an affair and decides to dash home and surprise her and catch her out. He rushes out of the office and jumps into a taxi. The taxi gets stuck in gridlocked traffic so he jumps out and rushes to the apartment block. His heart is thumping away when he arrives and discovers he has left his keys back in the office.
He rips the door off its hinges and runs into the lobby with his heart thumping even faster. The lifts are out of order so he starts running up the stairs. 22 floors later he reaches the top, heart thumping away, and as he has no keys he smashes the door of the apartment down and leaps inside. His wife strolls into the lounge casually buttoning up her blouse.
He shouts “Where is he. I’ll kill him!”
He searches the apartment and does not find anyone. Then he looks out of the kitchen window and sees a man running across the front yard pulling on his trousers. He picks up the fridge and hurls it out of the window and hits the man 22 floors below killing him instantly. The effort is too much for his heart and he also dies instantly.
He wakes up to find himself in the celestial waiting room by the Pearly Gates.
An angel appears with a clipboard and says, “I just need to confirm some details before we can process you. Is there a Mr Green here?”
“Yes,” says Mr Green.
“Can you tell me what happened?” asks the angel.
Mr Green says, “Well I was in bed having a cuddle with my wife when the alarm rang. I did not want to be late for work so I dashed off. I was running to catch my bus still pulling my trousers on when I got flattened and ended up here.”
The angel says, “That was a tragic accident but you are indeed dead. Is there a Mr Brown here?”
Yes,” says Mr Brown.
“Can you tell me what happened to you?” asks the angel.
Mr Brown tell him how he dashed home, found no one and hurled the fridge out of the window.
The angel says, "That is what happens when jealousy takes over but now you are dead. Is there a Mr White here?”
Yes,” says Mr White.
“Can you tell me what happened to you?” asks the angel.
Mr White says, “Well I was sitting in this fridge ……”
Friday, January 04, 2008
Final 12 days of Christmas
4th January
You are a fucking bastard !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing.
How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea.
My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.
FUCK OFF AND DIE JOHN !!!!!!!
***********************************
5th January
Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.
The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied - you c**t.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes.
*************************************
6th January
You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve fucking drummers, banging their fucking drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids?
They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now.
The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the fucking peartree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof !!!!!
Big hairy bollocks to you,
Agnes.
You are a fucking bastard !!!! Now we have ten ladies dancing.
How on earth anyone can call these whores "ladies" is beyond me, they're pulling the pipers all night long !!!!! The cows can't sleep and now have diarrhoea.
My living room is a sea of shit and the landlord has just declared the building unfit for human habitation.
FUCK OFF AND DIE JOHN !!!!!!!
***********************************
5th January
Listen shit face - what with eleven lords leaping about the house, shagging me and the maids senseless, I shall probably never walk again.
The pipers are now fighting the lords for all the crumpet and resorting to committing sodomy with the cows, the birds are dead and rotting having been trampled during the orgy.
I hope you're satisfied - you c**t.
Your sworn enemy, Agnes.
*************************************
6th January
You stinking lousy shit !!!! Twelve fucking drummers, banging their fucking drums all day long !!!! They have teamed up with the pipers, making one hell of a noise, both lots have been buggering the cows and Christ alone knows what happened to the milkmaids?
They've probably drowned in the cow shit by now.
The only way I have to saved myself from getting screwed to death is by hiding up in the fucking peartree which has been well fertilised by all this shit and has now grown through the roof !!!!!
Big hairy bollocks to you,
Agnes.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Yet another of the 12 days of Christmas
3rd January
Look dick head - what are you on ??? You're having a laugh. Now I have Nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play....
When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the Maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the fucking birds !!!
The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
Agnes.
Look dick head - what are you on ??? You're having a laugh. Now I have Nine pipers playing shite music constantly !!! And Christ do they play....
When they aren't playing their sodding pipes, they keep chasing the Maids through the cow shit. The cows keep on mooing and are treading all over the fucking birds !!!
The neighbours are threatening to have me evicted.
Agnes.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Another of the 12 days of Christmas
2nd January
OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long.
FUCK OFF !!!!!!!
Agnes.
OK buster, I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids a milking? It's not enough with all the birds, now I have eight cows shitting all over the house and mooing all night long.
FUCK OFF !!!!!!!
Agnes.
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