Any experience?

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."

No flies on me!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh ! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

2 dyslexics

Two dyslexics in the kitchen and one says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"

"Gas? No, I can't even smell my name!"

Confessional tale

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession.I've had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance" Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fanny Green?"
A new woman in the Parish," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance."
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fanny Green?"

The altar boy quietly replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Hats off

One very windy day, a rabbi is on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blows his shtreimel off his head. The rabbi runs after it, but the wind is so strong, it blows his hat farther and farther away.
He just can't catch up with it, but a young man, a Gentile, witnesses this event, and being more fit than the rabbi, runs after the hat, catches it, and hands it over to the rabbi.
The rabbi is so happy and grateful that he gives the young man a five dollar reward, and lays his hands on the man's head, and blesses him. The young man is very excited about the tip and the blessing, and decides to go to the race track, and bet his five unexpected dollars.
After the races the young man returns home, and recounts his very exciting day at the races to his father.
"I arrived at the fifth race," says the young man, "looked at the racing program, and saw a horse by the name of "Top Hat" running. The odds on the horse were 100 to one - the longest shot on the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing, and the five dollars, and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being "Top Hat," I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire five dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the long shot in the field, and who didn't have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by five lengths!"
"You must have made a fortune," smiles his father.
"Yes," Pop, $500.00, but wait, it gets better," continued the son. "On the following race I looked at the program. A horse named "Stetson" was running.
The odds on "Stetson" were 30 to 1! But Stetson being some kind of hat, and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing, and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."
What happened?" asked the excited father.
"Stetson won big, and I collected a fortune."
"You mean you brought home all that money?" asked his father.
"No," says the son. "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named "Chateau," so I bet all the money on it because the horse was a heavy favorite, and the name also means "hat" in French, and remember it all started with the rabbi's hat! But the stupid horse broke down, and came in last. It wiped me out."
"His father wails, "Hat in French is "chapeau," you idiot, not "chateau," you idiot! You lost all that money because of your ignorance. Tell me, who did win that race, anyway?"

"A Japanese horse named "Yamaka."

Parachuting blind man

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack"

Who are you?

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!
Then he got a little panicky. " I don't remember her", he thought, "but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college, perhaps I DID father her child!"
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No!" she said with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's third-grade teacher!"

Where does she live?

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."

Gambling old lady

One day an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the President of the Bank in order to open a savings account, because she said she had a lot of money.
After many discussions the clerk took her to the office of the President. The President asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said $165,000, while putting the money onto his desk.
Curious, he asked her how she succeeded in saving so much money. The old lady said she made bets.
“What kind of bets?” asked the surprised President. The old lady answered him,
“For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”
The President started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible for her to win.
The old lady replied,
“Would you like to make the bet?”
“Certainly” answered the President, “I guarantee, for $25,000, that my testicles are not square.”
The old lady said, “I accept. But given the importance of the sum wagered I will come back at 10 am tomorrow with my lawyer as a witness”
“No problem” said the President very trustfully.
That evening the President became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, to make damn sure they could not be seen as square and to be sure to win the bet.
Next day at 10 am sharp the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the Presidents office to confirm the $25,000 bet for the fact that his testicles were square. The President confirmed the bet was as agreed the previous day. The old lady asked him to drop his trousers and underwear so she and the lawyer could see everything, which the President duly did.
The old lady came closer and asked him whether she could touch them or not.
“Of course, please do,” said the President, “Given the fact there is so much money involved you must be 100% sure”
And the old lady started to do so with a smile.
The President noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady why the lawyer was reacting like that.

She answered, “It is probably due to the fact that I bet him $100,000 that around 10 am today I would be holding the testicles of the President of the Bank of Canada in my hands”

You don't need a BMW

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog, and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new BMW 7 series. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny B’mer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to “grab his thingie” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Fancy dress

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so hewrites a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.


The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple.

Speaking clock

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors where rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.
“Why, that’s the speaking clock” the man replied.
“How does it work?”
“I’ll show you”, the man said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

“For f*ck’s sake, you wanker, it’s twenty to two in the f*cking morning"

Sniffer dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said,"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Can I have a penny?

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Infant sized

Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old’s.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much.
However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, “I too have a problem. My penis is infant sized, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was infant- sized !”

“It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces: 19 inches!”

Recruitment strategy

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send two or three candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after six hours and then analyse the situation.
* If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the Accounts department.
* If they are recounting them. Put them in Auditing.
* If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in Engineering.
* If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in Planning.
* If they are throwing the bricks at each ether. Put them> in Operations.
* If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
* If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in Information Technology.
* If they are sitting idle, put them In Human Resources.
* If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
* If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
* If they are staring out the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least: If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them into Management.

Sara Pipalini

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren’ and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna’ and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her andsays.

'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'