He looks good

Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn't he?"

The other replied, "He ought to; he hasn't had a drink in three days."

Credit crunch solved?

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, the holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.
Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to
inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.
The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income, but everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.


COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS?

Keep your engine running

An 80 year old man meets his friends and tells them he is going to get married to a 25 year old woman.
“Are you up to it?” They all ask him.
“Keep your engine running” he says “You have got to keep your engine running”
A year later he takes his wife into hospital for the birth of a child.
The doctor says it is amazing for a man of his age.
“Keep your engine running” he says “You have got to keep your engine running”
Another year goes past and the wife gives birth to another child.
“Keep your engine running” he says “You have got to keep your engine running”

The doctor replies, “Maybe you should get the oil changed. Your new baby is black”

Arkansas Razorback Hogs

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir."

Married 4 times

A woman married for the fourth time at eighty, to an Undertaker the Local Radio asked for an interview, to which she agreed "Who was your first husband?" the interviewer asked
"He was a Banker", she replied
"What about your second husband?" the question came
"That's easy, he was a Circus Performer"
"Did you travel around?"
"Oh yes, for 15 years", she said
"And your third husband?"
"He was a Minister of God" she replied
"And now you are married to an Undertaker, why such diversity?"

"Well, I married One for the money, Two for the Show, Three to get ready, and Four to go !"

Sharing the pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour
of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 % for starters, explaining that even that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 % pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 %. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the front porch.

It's dark in here

A couple have a young son and the marriage is not too happy so the wife takes a lover. He comes round one afternoon and they go up to the bedroom. They are just kissing when they hear a car door slam. The wife looks out of the window and says,
“It is my husband. Quick hide in the wardrobe”
The lover jumps into the wardrobe. He hears a little voice say,
“It’s dark in here!”
“Who’s that?” he asks.
“I’m their son and I’m going to tell my Dad what I have seen”
“Please do not tell your Dad and I’ll but you a present. What do you want?”
“I’d really like a pair of new football boots.”
“OK How much do they cost?”
“About £50 for some good ones.”
That’s a lot of money but OK if you do not tell your Dad.”

Next week exactly the same thing happens. The husband comes home early and the lover is rushed into the wardrobe. He hears a little voice say,
“It’s dark in here!”
“Who’s that?” he asks.
“I’m their son and I’m going to tell my Dad what I have seen”
“Please do not tell your Dad and I’ll but you a present. What do you want?”
“I’d really like team shirt and some shorts to go with my new pair of new football boots.”
“OK How much do they cost?”
“About £50 for some good ones.”
That’s a lot of money but OK if you do not tell your Dad.”

Later the husband is tidying up his sons room and finds the new football kit.
“Where did you get this?” he asks.
“I can’t tell you” his son says.
“Well if you can’t tell me then you can go the confession and tell the priest.”
So he takes his son down to the church and pushes him into the confessional box. The little boy says,
“It’s dark in here!”
“Not you again !!” says the priest.

Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Barbados.
They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an West Indian accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.
The shopkeeper said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The shopkeeper replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the shopkeeper, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the mans thighs.

The shopkeeper began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet'!

Bright student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. ' General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted..
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar whispered quietly, "The Republicans, November 4th, 2008".

I had one like that!

The visiting Texan farmer, trying to outdo his Australian host made the remark, "You know what? If I get on my tractor at my homestead at 6 o'clock in the morning, drive to the other side of my ranch and back to the homestead, I wouldn't get back until 10 o'clock that night! What do you
think of that?"

To which the Australian replies, "Yeah, I had a tractor like that once."

Mixed blood

On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me ... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

Listen to me

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure..
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

What is the difference?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Two women in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.