The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, and says, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Blind man in a bar
A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five damn times."
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five damn times."
Flying First Class
A plane is on its way to Boston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have go sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Boston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Boston and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Boston."
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Boston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Boston and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Boston."
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
The jigsaw puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed.... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed.... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
A joke I heard on Southwest Airlines
Last week I had a flight on Southwest Airlines. One of the flight attendents told the following joke before takeoff. Southwest really does make travelling fun.
One day old man John and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $50 per person. John looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to John, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $50 is $50." So John goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, John wants to ride, but Martha says $50 is $50.
Finally, when John and Martha are both about 70 years old, John looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies $50 is $50, and John kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation.
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $50 each." Well, Martha and John look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at John and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to you, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." John looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $50 is $50!"
One day old man John and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $50 per person. John looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to John, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $50 is $50." So John goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, John wants to ride, but Martha says $50 is $50.
Finally, when John and Martha are both about 70 years old, John looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies $50 is $50, and John kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation.
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $50 each." Well, Martha and John look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at John and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to you, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." John looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $50 is $50!"
Monday, September 18, 2006
What should you name your new invention?
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Friday, September 15, 2006
Blondes working for the city
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
A long wait
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Crocodile shoes
Paddy happens to be passing a shoe shop in Dublin one day, and in the window he spots a pair of shoes. He likes them, so he enters the shop and asks the shop assistant, "How much are dem shoes in de window, fella?"
"Those are 500 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.
"Begorrah!" exclaims Paddy, "Dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes."
"Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare," says the assistant.
Paddy certainly can't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes so he leaves the shop and goes home. He tells his brother, Mick, about the shoes, and Mick has a brilliant idea: "Sure, Paddy, and we should go to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!"
Paddy is very impressed with this idea, so off they both go to Africa and they hire a guide to show them to the most crocodile-infested river.
They make camp and Mick says to Paddy, "Tell you what, Paddy, you start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck." So off Mick goes, back to town with the guide leaving Paddy to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles.
A couple of weeks later, Mick has pretty much drained the town of all available bottles of Guinness and is running low on cash, so he decides to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy is getting on.
As he pulls into the camp in the truck, he sees crocodiles everywhere, stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles.
He jumps out of the truck and goes in search of Paddy, and just then there's a commotion in the river, loads of splashing, and Paddy comes to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile which he wrestles to the shore then clubs to death.
"How's it going, there, Paddy?" asks Mick.
"Terrible," replies Paddy, "in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!"
"Those are 500 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.
"Begorrah!" exclaims Paddy, "Dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes."
"Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare," says the assistant.
Paddy certainly can't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes so he leaves the shop and goes home. He tells his brother, Mick, about the shoes, and Mick has a brilliant idea: "Sure, Paddy, and we should go to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!"
Paddy is very impressed with this idea, so off they both go to Africa and they hire a guide to show them to the most crocodile-infested river.
They make camp and Mick says to Paddy, "Tell you what, Paddy, you start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck." So off Mick goes, back to town with the guide leaving Paddy to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles.
A couple of weeks later, Mick has pretty much drained the town of all available bottles of Guinness and is running low on cash, so he decides to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy is getting on.
As he pulls into the camp in the truck, he sees crocodiles everywhere, stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles.
He jumps out of the truck and goes in search of Paddy, and just then there's a commotion in the river, loads of splashing, and Paddy comes to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile which he wrestles to the shore then clubs to death.
"How's it going, there, Paddy?" asks Mick.
"Terrible," replies Paddy, "in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!"
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
Out of the mouth of babes
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)