The Picnic

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the
picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten
miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"

Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a
bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will
not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady
pace.

Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a
promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they
can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are
about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

What is the best punishment?

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.

One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Engineers and Home Theater Systems

I just got a new DVD recorder to hook up to the Home Theater System. Being an engineer I like as many components and remote controls as humanly possible for the Home Theater Room. Yes we do have a room dedicated to Home Theater! You might be an engineer if any of the following Home Entertainment statements are true:

You and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.

The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.

You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.

You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.

Banks

I have been having a terrible time dealing with Webster Bank. They hold my mortgage and have screwed my account up since October. Seems that their idea of what to do with extra payments is to apply it to interest and not principal. It took many visits, phone calls and finally a letter to the state banking commission for them to even try to rectify their mistakes. After reading the following joke I could only wish that Webster Bank had this much competence:

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."

Happy President's Day

One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Never tell a lie," Washington advises.

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"

"Always follow the constitution," Jefferson advises.

Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."

10 Husbands

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.

What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!

"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

Happy Valentine's Day

Guys -- You are sure to get lucky if you use this Valentine wish!

Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...

It's a new trollin' motor!!

Bill Gates - The smartest man in the world?

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.

Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.

Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.

Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.

The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."

The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

The wedding night

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Be careful what you wish for!

This guy drives a delivery van and he starts going out with a really rich girl. Eventually she says.

“Come round to afternoon tea and meet my parents”

So he drives his van up the long drive and parks in front of the mansion. His girlfriend meets him at the door and takes him into the huge, huge lounge to have afternoon tea with her parents. Soon he is sat on this vast settee balancing a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits trying desperately to think of something to say.

There before them, stretched out on the rug in front of the fire, is an enormous male Great Dane fast asleep. Suddenly the dog wakes up and starts vigorously licking its balls.

Still desperate for something to say the guy gives nervous laugh and says,

“I wish I could do that”

The girl’s mother replies, in cut glass tones.

“If you give him a biscuit, I’m sure he will let you”