We have a case ....

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."

Do not talk to my parrot!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling..
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

What's in the other bag?

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

I was shocked

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

No speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...




(Please scroll down.)




What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London . Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair.'
Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune.
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all thetalking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent. '
'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up mytruck and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'
'Well ... yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners.'

Is there baseball in Heaven?

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do it for you."
Shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later.
Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,
"Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice.
"It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
Better yet, we're all young men again.
Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"

It must be a blue suit

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it be easier just to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank cheque to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.
She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?"
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.
So, I switched the heads."

Doing the wrong thing

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. A weary American traveller asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.

An Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, You've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window".

Cojones

A tall Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied,"Ah señor, you have excellent taste! those are called Cojones de Toto, testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order. "
The waiter replied, "I am sorry señor, there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller that the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Just spell one word

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

Jar of olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

What's wrong?

A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What's wrong?" he asked.

The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."

Bye Grandpa

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Bye Daddy." Now the father was terrified. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he got home, his wife was waiting for him. She said,

"Thank God you're here - we just found the milkman dead on our porch!"

Exchange rates

I was at my bank today. There was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me.
An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people,too!'

I am not Happy

As I was driving into the supermarket car park the other day, the car in front bumped into the back of the one in front of him.
The driver who had been hit got out looking rather agitated, I should mention that he was of a very short stature, the man who bumped into him also got out, he was very large.
The little man looked very downcast and said " I'm not happy"

The big man said "Well if you are not Happy, which one are you"

Electra Complex

You are suffering from what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."

"Yes..(sniff)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

Two wishes

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That’ll be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.
' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago; I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ar$e and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'