New hearing aid

A man was telling his neighbour in Sun City Centre ,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

How would you describe your sex life?

This old man goes to see his doctor for a check up.
The doctor looks him over and says he needs to ask a few questions.
“How would you describe your sex life?” he asks.
“Infrequent” replies the old man.

“Is that one word or two?”

Merv had no ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a tile floor and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered,
“Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.
He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.”
Merv again was upset and threw her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,


“Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!”

Horse playing baseball

This horse wanders into a baseball training ground. It goes up to the coach and asks if it can have a game. The coach is taken aback by a talking horse and gives it a baseball bat.
The pitcher throws up a ball and the horse smashes it out of the ground. The coach says to the pitcher “Give him the fast ball”
Smash it goes out of the ground. Every ball goes flying out of the ground.
The coach says to the horse. “I know it is crazy to pick a horse but you are in the team”
With the horse smashing every ball out of the ground the team makes the finals.
In the final the scores are level in the final innings and the horse comes in to bat. For the first time in the entire season the horse miss-hits the ball which goes bouncing into the outfield.
“Run” screams the coach “Run”
The horse looks round at the coach and says

“If I could run I’d be in the Kentucky Derby”

Honeymoon

So this couple are in the Honeymoon Suite on the first night of the honeymoon. The groom sits down and removes his shoes and socks (as you do).
“Oh” says his bride “Your toes are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had toesillitis when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean tonsillitis?”
“No, my love, I do mean toesillitis, it leaves you with very small toes”
The Groom then drops his trousers.
“Oh” says his bride “Your knees are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had kneemonia when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean pneumonia?”
“No, my love, I do mean kneemonia, it leaves you with very small knees”
The groom removes his underpants and his bride comments,

“I see you also caught dicktheria!!!”

I have the breasts of an 18 year old

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

See that woman ...

Twelve years into the future and a new US President has been elected. The President-Elect is not only a woman but also a Jewess. Naturally she invites her family to attend the Inauguration.
Her mother says she cannot attend because it will be expnsive to travel.
“I’ll send Air Force One to collect you,” says her daughter.
Her mother says she cannot attend because it will be dangerous.
“I have the best security in the world,” says her daughter.
Her mother says she cannot attend because the food will not be kosher.
“I have the best chefs and can order anything I want,” says her daughter.
So the mother attends and is seated in the front row.
As her daughter is sworn in as President of the USA the mother turns to the person sat next to her and says –

“See that woman up there swearing in – her brother is a lawyer!”

That's nothing

So this lion, tiger and chicken are sat talking.
The tiger says, “I just have to growl and everything in the jungle runs for cover.”
The lion says, “I just have to roar and everything on the plains stampedes.”

The chicken says, “That’s nothing. I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics.”

Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young attractive woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough- Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was : Vaseline
She certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes”.?
Asked how she used it, she said “To assist in the performance of sexual intercourse.”
The interviewer was amazed. He said “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always lie and say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but we know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Ma’am, Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out. “

Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Wales.....
At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over and said, "Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

Every time I breathe ....

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

God is furious

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.
St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."
Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT??!!"
>
>
>
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St. Peter says, "She's furious."

How old am I?

A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?''
About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds