Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through out the class.

One day the nun asked her while she was napping, `Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?`

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary.

The nun said, "Very good"

Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the nun asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?"

But, Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The nun said, "Very good!"

Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The farmers wife

Monica, a blonde city girl, marries a Texas rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Monica, "The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here."

Monica says "Okay?"

So the rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Monica walks with him down to the barn.

They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail. She tells him, "This is the one, right here".

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me little lady, how did you know that this is the cow to be bred?"

"That's simple - - By the nail over its stall." Monica explained very confidently.

Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"

Monica turns to walk away, and says, "I guess it's to hang your pants on".

A Jury of Peers??

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter.

They all wanted the verdict to be NOT GUILTY.

Can I borrow the dog?

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse, about 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pitbull on a leash. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?
"The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.



"Can I borrow the dog?"



"Join the queue."

Nice doggy

This guy drives a delivery van and he starts going out with a really rich girl. Eventually she says.
“Come round to afternoon tea and meet my parents”
So he drives his van up the long drive and parks in front of the mansion. His girlfriend meets him at the door and takes him into the huge, huge lounge to have afternoon tea with her parents. Soon he is sat on this vast settee balancing a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits trying desperately to think of something to say.
There before them, stretched out on the rug in front of the fire, is an enormous male Great Dane fast asleep. Suddenly the dog wakes up and starts vigorously licking its balls.
Still desperate for something to say the guy gives nervous laugh and says,
“I wish I could do that”
The girl’s mother replies, in cut glass tones.

“If you give him a biscuit, I’m sure he will let you”

Smart blonde

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move. "You know, I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde had just opened a book but she closes it and says "What would you like to discuss?"

He says "How about nuclear power?"

"OK" says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff.....grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

This is for you

Technology has moved on and a group of audio engineers were listening to the recordings of the first moon landing. Just before Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon they heard a lot of crackling and static.
They digitally enhance this and hear Neil Armstrong say,
“This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
So they phone up Neil Armstrong and ask him,
“Did you really say - This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
Neil admits that he did and naturally they ask him why. So Neil Arstrong explains,
“When I was a little boy growing up we used to live next door to the Zermanski’s. They were always argueing and shouting. I remembered one very hot summers night. I was in bed with all the windows open and I could hear the Zermanski’s shouting at one another in their backyard. Mrs Zermanski shouted,

‘Blow job! Blow job! - I’ll give you a blow job when that young boy next door lands on the moon’"

Business Signs

On the door of a dental office: We cater to cowards!"

On a plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "We can help you pick your nose!"

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a nonsmoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait!"

Super hero

One bright spring morning Superman decides to go out for a fly round. He phones up Batman.
“It’s a lovely day Batman, do you want to go for a fly round?”
Batman says “I’d love to but we have big trouble in Gotham City.”
Superman phones Spiderman. “It’s a lovely day Spiderman do you want to go for a fly round?”
Spiderman says “I’d love to but I have to sort out all my webs.”
So Batman goes out on his own. He soars round and as he is passing over Central Park he looks down and sees Wonderwoman. She is lying on the grass, stark naked her legs wide apart - and a smile on her face. Superman zooms down, faster than a speeding bullet and WHAM, BANG, off he soars again.
Wonderwoman cries “My God what happened?”
The Invisible Man says,

“I don’t know - but my arse is very sore”

Golfing injury

A ladies foursome are on the golf tee. One lady drives the ball and slices it horribly. The ball veers off at great speed, waist high. There is an anguished scream from behind some bushes and the ladies rush over.
When the get there, they see a male golfer bent double clutching his nether regions. The woman says she is very sorry and that she is a trained physiotherapist.
Gently she pulls his hands to one side, pulls down the zip and proceeds to massage him. After several minutes she asks, “How does that feel now?”
The golfer says,

“Actually that feels wonderful - but my thumb still hurts”

Bragging rights

Four friends , who hadn't seen each other in 30 years , reunited at a party. After several drinks , one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said , "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said , "Darn , that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline , and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company , where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well , that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?"

The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame.....what a disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No , I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either.

His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

Once upon a time

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened to come across a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said:

“Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:

“I don't f*cking think so...!

She called in sick

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed,
"Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.

Some lovely quotes

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
-- Winston Churchill.

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
-- Winston Churchill.

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
-- Clarence Darrow.

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
-- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
-- Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
-- Moses Hadas.

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
-- Abraham Lincoln.

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
-- Groucho Marx.

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
-- Mark Twain.

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
-- Oscar Wilde.

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one."
-- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
-- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
-- Stephen Bishop.

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
-- John Bright.

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
-- Irvin S. Cobb.

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
-- Samuel Johnson.

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
-- Paul Keating.

"He had delusions of adequacy."
-- Walter Kerr.

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
-- Jack E. Leonard.

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
-- Robert Redford.

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
-- Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
-- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
-- Charles, Count Talleyrand.

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
-- Forrest Tucker.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
-- Mark Twain.

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
-- Mae West.

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
-- Oscar Wilde.

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination."
-- Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
-- Billy Wilder.

"I can't think of anything worse after a night of drinking than waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they're dead."
--Laura Kightlinger.

Hidden meaning

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willie.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of
African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said,
"Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
"In fact, there's no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Irish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

Consultancy

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Lexus SUV advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and an YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd,
"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"That is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his SUV.
Then he says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answers the young man.
"You are a consultant," says the shepherd.
"That is correct," says the yuppie. "How did you guess that?"
"Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for addressing a question I already knew the answer to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

Ready Thursday

A guy and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over 11 years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" the man asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," he said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the shoe shop.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter.
With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these."
He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop. Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" the customer called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

"They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.

Old joke

This young lad is sent to prison, and he is put in a cell with an old lag who has been there donkeys years.
The old lag says “Stick with me son I’ll show you the ropes”
They go to the recreation period and sit around a big table with all the other prisoners. One prisoner says “12” and all the rest collapse laughing. Another says “31” and again all the rest collapse laughing. This goes on for ages.
Back in the cell the young lad asks “What was all that about? Why are numbers so funny?”
The old lag explains “It isn’t numbers. They are jokes. There are 37 jokes and we all know all of them - so to save time we just gave them numbers”
“Can I tell one of them? asks the young lad
“No problem” says the old lag “Any number between 1 & 37”
Next evening at recreation the jokes are flowing and the young lad chips in with “22”. Nothing - no laughs, not even a smile.
Back in the cell he asks “Is 22 a bad joke?”
The old lag explains “No Son. It isn’t the joke - it’s the way you tell it”

Which religion?

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.
So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there.
One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"
"Sure," said the Janitor.
He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time.
Then he said, "You are now baptized!".
" When they got outside, one of them asked, "What religion do You think We are?"
The oldest one said,
"We're not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you."
"We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water."
"We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you."
The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water!"
They all joined in asking, "Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means we're Pisscopailians."

Puddles

Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck. 'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey. 'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?' 'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two. 'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.
'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'
'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. 'My name is Puddles.'

Best "Out of Office" Automatic Replies

Personally, I'd like to try all of these and see if my boss, who says he has a great sense of humor, really does!

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. I may be a little moody so be prepared.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. Sorry to have missed you, but I am at the doctor's having my brain removed so I can be promoted to our management team.

4. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/8. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

5. Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first 10 words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

6. The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)

7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

8. Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

9. I've run away to join a different circus.

10. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as " Sharon " instead of "Steve".