I see you also caught

So this couple are in the Honeymoon Suite on the first night of the honeymoon. The groom sits down and removes his shoes and socks (as you do).
“Oh” says his bride “Your toes are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had toesillitis when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean tonsillitis?”
“No, my love, I do mean toesillitis, it leaves you with very small toes”
The Groom then drops his trousers.
“Oh” says his bride “Your knees are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had kneemonia when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean pneumonia?”
“No, my love, I do mean kneemonia, it leaves you with very small knees”
The groom removes his underpants and his bride comments,

“I see you also caught dicktheria!!!”

Faith healer

This faith-healer is stood in front of a large audience.
“Have faith in me, my prayers can heal the sick. I can make the deaf hear, the blind see and the lame walk”
“Hallelujah, is there anyone here tonight who wants to be cured?”
A man lurches down the aisle on crutches and staggers onto the stage.
“My friend, have faith. Our prayers will make you whole. I won't embarrass you so I will just call you ‘Number One.’ Is there anyone else?”
A second man walks down.
“My friend, I can see no ailment?”
He answers in a high nasal voice “I’ve got a hare lip”
“You shall also be cured, I will call you ‘Number Two’. Both of you please go behind this screen and await you cure. Everybody help me with your prayers”
He goes into a trance, devoutly praying. Then calls out loud “Number One - throw out your crutches”
The crutches sail out over the screen. “Number Two - speak to me”

A high nasal voice cries out. “Number One has fallen over”

I like engineers

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break.
1st surgeon says: “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
2nd surgeon says: “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
3rd surgeon says: “Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is colour coded.”
4th surgeon says: “I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says

“I like engineers....they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”

That's cool

An IT guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The IT guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the IT guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The IT guy said,

"Look I work in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Lifts rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Disposable nappies remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed on an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Balloon prices were inflated. Andrex touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded attempting to recharge the market.

Two priests on holiday

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me,............ Sister Kathleen!'

Yearly tax audit

The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi," and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candlemaker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue”
"Inland Revenue...?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue ….. and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"

A blind man enters a lesbian bar

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,
"Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,
and
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;

"Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Putting Your Affairs In Order

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order"

We do use Vaseline ...

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young attractive woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough- Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was : Vaseline
She certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes”.?
Asked how she used it, she said “To assist in the performance of sexual intercourse.”
The interviewer was amazed. He said “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always lie and say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but we know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Ma’am, Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out. “

Texas salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
“Have you ever been a salesman before?” the boss asked during his interview.
“Yes, I was a salesman in Texas,” the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. “I’ll come and see how you made out after we close up,” the boss said. The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o’clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.
“How many sales did you make today?” the boss asked.
“One,” said the lad.
“One?” said the boss, obviously displeased. “Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”
“Exactly $101,334.53,” said the young man.
“How did you manage that?” asked the boss, flabbergasted.
“Well,” said the lad, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he’d probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn’t be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck.”
“You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?” the boss asked in astonishment.
“He didn’t come in to buy a fish hook,” the Texas boy explained. “He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him,

‘Your weekend’s shot. You might as well go fishing.’

Speaking clock

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors where rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.
“Why, that’s the speaking clock” the man replied.
“How does it work?”
“I’ll show you”, the man said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

“For f*ck’s sake, you wanker, it’s twenty to two in the f*cking morning."

Trouble with wind

This woman goes to see her doctor and says,
“I am having a lot of trouble with wind. It can’t be serious because it does not smell and makes no sound”
The doctor prescibes some tablets and says,
“Take this course of medicine and come back and see me in one week”
A week later she reappears and says,
“My God. What was in those tablets? My farts smell awful”
The doctor says,

“Good! That’s got your sinuses clear. Now we will see about your hearing."

Headache cure

This man suffers from terrible headaches. He goes to the doctor, who can find nothing wrong, and tries every known remedy with no success. Finally the doctor sends him to the hospital to see a specialist. The specialist arranges for every possible test to be done. When the test results come in the specialist studies them and tells the man.
“Everything seems to be OK. There are no obvious causes for the headaches. The only thing is there is a slight shadow on the X-rays in your testicles. As a very last resort I have to recommend that we remove them”
“Are you sure?” asks the man “Is there nothing else?”
“We have tried everything else. This is the very last resort - there is nothing else to try” explains the specialist.
So the operation takes place and while he is recuperating from the loss he decides to totally change his image. His first stop when he is able to get out and about is to the tailors for a brand new wardrobe.
He decides to get a new bespoke tailor-made suit and goes off to be measured. The tailor takes every possible measurement and finally measures his inside leg.
The tailor murmurs discreetly “Which side to you dress? Sir”
“Pardon me?” says the man
Again the tailor murmurs discreetly “Which side to you dress? Sir. Do your genitals hang to the left or the right?”
The man says “I don’t know, is it really important”

“Oh yes. Sir. If the trousers don’t fit correctly you get the most terrible headaches”

I think your husband just slid under the table

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said,

"No he didn't. He just walked in the door.”

Preacher is leaving

Preacher is explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation, no one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, ....
"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport theirchildren!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ....
"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundationto guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile , "If the Preacher stays, . I will give him sex!"
There is total silence,The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, .....

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, .... "Screw the Preacher!"

Has anyone seen ....

This Irish priest had ten chickens and one cock he kept in a hen house behind the church. One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anyone got a cock?"
All the men in the church stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no" he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"

All the choir boys stood up.

The breakfast was my idea

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five pound note for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F ** k him. Give him a fiver"

She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."