Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked! him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" Said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Daryl snores

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.

To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof I watched him all night."
The third night was s Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."
They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.”

What happened?

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

Another blonde joke

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving." his wife said.
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Between two thieves

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father." replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request and waited for a response.Soon the word arrived that Tony and Gordon, both conscious of their public 'image', were on their way. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Tony's hand in his right hand and Gordon's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity spread across the old priest's face.
Finally Tony spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Saviour. Jesus died between two lying thieves and I would like to do the same."

Childhood illnesses

So this couple are in the Honeymoon Suite on the first night of the honeymoon. The groom sits down and removes his shoes and socks (as you do).
“Oh” says his bride “Your toes are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had toesillitis when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean tonsillitis?”
“No, my love, I do mean toesillitis, it leaves you with very small toes”
The Groom then drops his trousers.
“Oh” says his bride “Your knees are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had kneemonia when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean pneumonia?”
“No, my love, I do mean kneemonia, it leaves you with very small knees”
The groom removes his underpants and his bride comments,

“I see you also caught dicktheria!!!”

Don't give the matter another thought

At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then board an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Brits.

So far everything is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-shaking, eye stinging, acrid blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire and so powerful, that it shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore it.
“Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control.”
Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies,

“Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses.”

St Patricks Day

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. " I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by Jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the skippin", the Irishman said.

***************************************************************

A doctor in Ireland wanted to take off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Paddy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir, "says Paddy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts:
"HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Tunderin' Lard Jayzus, Paddy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

3 Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub.
The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking for Lent."

Scottish snow storm

These two men are going on a sking holiday in the north of Scotland. As they drive north the weather gets worse and the road is getting covered in snow. They see a house in the middle of nowhere with its lights blazing. The snow is getting deeper by the minute so they knock on the door.
An old lady answers and they ask if she can give them shelter. She says
“ You cannot stay in the house, but you can shelter in the barn and I’ll make you a nice warm supper”

A year passes and one of the men gets a letter from a Scottish firm of solicitors. He phones his pal and asks
“On our sking trip last year, when we were stuck in the snow – did you sneak into the house and make love to the old lady?”
His pal says that he did.
“Did you give her my name and address?”
His pal confesses and says he is really sorry. “Are you in trouble?” he asks.

“No trouble. The old lady just died and left me a fortune!”

Grizzly bears

Grizzly bears in the US National Parks have started ripping the doors off parked cars to get at the food left inside, and are wandering around close to the carparks . So to avoid hikers walking along trails and running into the grizzlies outdoor equipment shops have started selling little brass bells.The idea is that hikers should sew the little bells onto their backpacks and the bells will go “ting a ling a ling a ling” as the hikers walk along the National Park trails.
The bears will hear the bells and wont be surprised by the sudden appearance of a hiker.The hikers will know that they have not confronted a huge grizzly bear, and they will also know that there are bears in the vicinity because they will see the tell-tale piles of grizzly bear shit by the side of the trail.
How will they know that it is grizzly bear shit?

Easy, that’s the shit with little brass bells in it.

Farmer John's Mule

Farmer John had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.

The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, John's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, John's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, John's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to John he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached John and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'

"Well,"' John replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. "

The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

The ultimate Blonde joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it backsaying,

'OK, you can go.... I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Girl's night out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

And the moral is ......

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f**k away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking.'

Tonight

This professor goes to give a lecture on Human Sexual Behaviour, and the hall is packed. He explains the is no average number of times a couple should make love. They should do it as often as suits themselves. He says that it is not a competition and different couples have different needs.
To demonstrate this he asks how many couples make love every day. Quite a few hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every week.
Lots of hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every month.
Quite a few hands are raised.
He says some people are content to make love just once a year.
A little man at the back jumps up and waves his hand.
The lecturer comments “ you seem remarkably happy to be making love just once a year”

“TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT !!!”