We invented sex!

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics"
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire."
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies, "That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."

better than pork

A priest and a rabbi are sitting together on a plane.
The priest asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?”
The rabbi answers. “Yes that is still one of our beliefs”
The priest asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
The rabbi says, “Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork”
The prest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
The rabbi asks, “Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?”
The priest answers. “Yes that is still very much part of our faith”
The rabbi asks, “Have you ever fallen for the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest says, “Yes Rabbi,on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and said,

"A lot better than pork, isn't it?"

What’s the treatment? Son

World War II. Just after D Day General Eisenhower goes on a morale boosting tour. He visits a hospital and goes on a tour of the wards. A soldier is laying on his front with a large bandage around his middle
General Eisenhower asks “ What happened to you ? Son”
The soldier replies
“Just a nick in the butt, Sir. But while I am in here they took the opportunity to operate on my piles”
General Eisenhower asks “What’s the treatment? Son”
The soldier says “They come every morning with a big brush and paint my wounds with white stuff”
General Eisenhower says,“That’s fine Son. What are your aims now?
The soldier says, “To recover as quick as I can, and get back on duty killing the enemy. Sir”
General Eisenhower goes to the next bed. A soldier is laying on his back with a large bandage around his middle.
General Eisenhower asks, “ What happened to you Son?”
The soldier replies, “Just a nick in the dick, Sir. But while I am in here they took the opportunity to clear up some diseases and circumcise me”
General Eisenhower asks, “What’s the treatment Son?”
The soldier says, “They come every morning with a big brush and paint my wounds with white stuff”
General Eisenhower says, “That’s fine Son. What are your aims now?
The soldier says, “To recover as quick as I can, and get back on duty killing the enemy. Sir”
General Eisenhower goes to the third bed. A soldier is laying on his front with a large bandage around his head.
General Eisenhower asks, “ What happened to you Son?”
The soldier replies, “Just an impacted wisdom tooth. Sir”
General Eisenhower asks, “What’s the treatment? Son”
The soldier says, “They come every morning with a big brush and paint my wounds with white stuff”
General Eisenhower says, “That’s fine Son. What are your aims now?
The soldier says, “To get the brush first. Sir”

Stagecoach pass this way

The Lone Ranger comes riding up, to find Tonto on the ground with his ear pressed closely to the trail.
"Hey, what you doin' Tonto?"
"Kimosabe, um Wells Fargo stagecoach pass this way one hour ago."
"Tonto, you're brilliant! How did you know that?"

"Bleedin' thing ran over me head.!"

Anybody here own the big white horse?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto have been riding across the dusty prairie all day. They come to a small town and dismount and go into the saloon for a drink. Later a man comes in and says
“Anybody here own the big white horse?”
“Yup” says the Lone Ranger
“It looks mighty thirsty” says the man
“I go and give Silver a drink of water, Kemo Sabbay” says Tonto
Later another man comes in and says “Anybody here own the big white horse?”
“Yup” says the Lone Ranger
“It looks mighty hungry” says the man
“I go. Give Silver a feed of hay, Kemo Sabbay” says Tonto
Later yet another comes in and says “Anybody here own the big white horse?”
“Yup” says the Lone Ranger
“It looks mighty sick” says the man
“I go run round Silver and fan him with warbonnet. Keep him cool” says Tonto
Much, much later a man comes in and says “Anybody here own the big white horse?”
“Yup” says the Lone Ranger

The man says “You’ve left your injun running”

Buffalo come

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the dusty prairie. There is nothing but grass in every direction. The Lone Ranger says to Tonto.
“It is very quiet. You are a Red Indian and skilled in the ways of the wild. What is happening”
Tonto gets off his horse and lays down on the ground. After a minute or two he gets up and says,
“Buffalo come”
“That is amazing” says the Lone Ranger, “How do you know”

Tonto replies, “Ear sticky”

Waddya mean ‘WE’?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the dusty prairie.
Suddenly there in front of them is a big warparty of Souix indians.
The Lone Ranger says “Quick. Lets escape to the West”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride to the west and there in front of them is a big warparty of Crow indians.
The Lone Ranger says “Quick. Lets escape to the South”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride to the south and there in front of them is a big warparty of Arapahoe indians.
The Lone Ranger says “Quick. Lets escape to the East”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto ride to the east and there in front of them is a big warparty of Blackfeet indians.
The Lone Ranger reins in Silver and says “Tonto. Old friend, it looks as though we are surrounded”

Tonto replies “Waddya mean ‘WE’? – Paleface”

This Aussie dies ...

So this Aussie dies and goes up to Heaven. At the Pearly gates St Peter apologises and says,
“There is a backlog and it might take ages to get you into Heaven. However if you agree to take and pass a short IQ test we can fast track you straight in”
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
St Peter says, “You have to answer 3 questions. There is no time limit but we have to accept your first answer”
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
St Peter says, “Question 1 is How many days start with the letter ‘T’?
Question 2 is how many seconds are there in a year?
Question 3 is our special Australian one – Who is named in the song Waltzing Matilda?
Do you understand?
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
St Peter says “Come back and see me when you are ready to answer”
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
And 5 minutes later he is back.
Are you sure you are ready as I can only accept your first answer?” asks St Peter.
“OK, Mate,” says the Aussie
St Peter says, “Question 1 is How many days start with the letter ‘T’? What is your answer?”
“Two” says the Aussie.
“Correct” says St Peter. “It does not count but do you know what they are?”
“Today and Tomorrow” says the Aussie.
St Peter winces then says, “Question 2 is how many seconds are there in a year? What is your answer?”
“12 Mate” says the Aussie
“Oh dear that is not the answer” says St Peter “How did you arrive at that answer?”
“2nd of January, 2nd of February 2nd of March and so on. 12 months equals 12 seconds” says the Aussie.
“That is not what we wanted but I suppose I’ll have to accept” says St Peter. “Now finally Question 3 was our special Australian one – Who is named in the song Waltzing Matilda? What is your answer?”
The Aussie says, “That was a tricky one Mate but I reckon the answer is Andy”
“Oh dear, that is not the name we have in our song” says St Peter. “Where did you get ‘Andy from?”
The Aussie says “ Just sing the song with me Mate.

Andy sat
Andy watched
Andy waited till his billy boiled …………….”

Wife's name

An old Indian was asked what his wife's name was. "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife - Three Horse – What does it mean?"

"Old Indian name, it means.... Nag - Nag - Nag"

Prince Charles hat

Prince Charles is invited to open a new Hospital ward at Cleckhuddersfax. On the great day his Rolls Royce arrives and he gets out to meet the Mayor and local big-wigs. On his head he is wearing a red fur hat with a tail down the back - he looks like Davy Crockett.
Of course no one mentions it so Prince Charles cuts ribbons, unveils plaques and makes his speech - all with the fur hat perched on his head. when he gets back on the Rolls to go home his bodyguard finally says.
“Excuse me Sir, but is there a reason for you wearing the fur hat to today’s ceremony”
Prince Charles replies
“Actually one is wearing the hat because one was told to. This morning we all gathered to breakfast with HM - Her Majesty!. She went round the table asking what we were all doing today”.
Andrew said he was launching a destroyer at Plymouth Dockyard, and HM said,
“Wear full dress uniform”
Anne said she was riding in Burleigh Horse Trials, and HM said ,
“Wear a hard hat and jodphurs”
I said I was opening a hospital in Cleckhuddersfax, and HM said,
‘Wear the fox hat’

A Scottish tale

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said,"A penny for your thoughts, Frank.
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned onceagain to gaze out over the loch Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again."Another penny for your thoughts, Frank."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its noo aboot time for a wee cuddle."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she again said,"Another penny for your thoughts, Frank."
"Well, uh I was thinkin'... perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg."
The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl spoke again."Another penny for your thoughts, Frank."
The young man glanced down with a furled brow.
"Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.
And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three pennies?"

Degrees of Blondeness

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and hisdog, then sat down on the steps putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.

Constipated Horse

Farmer John goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet says, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

Farmer John comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

Farmer John says, "The horse blew first."

The Maxim 2000

The girlfiend version. Click on the thumbnail to enlarge.



The boyfriend version. Click on the thumbnail to enlarge.

Stranded Irishman

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

Bicycle tail light infraction

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Terroist Ready to Eat Meals

MPG

A 2006 study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year.

Another recent study found that Americans drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles per gallon.

Not Bad.

Rocket Scientist

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying out for a new NASA experiment on sending women to different planets.

First, they called the brunette in and asked her a question.

"If you could go to any planet, what planet would you want to go to and why?"

After pondering the question the brunette answered, "I would like to go to Mars because it seems so interesting with all the recent news about possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."

NASA said, "Well okay, thank you." And told her that they would get back to her.

Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA people asked her the same question.

In reply the redhead said, "I would like to go to Saturn to see all of its rings."

"Again, "Thank you," and that they would get back to her.

Finally, the blonde entered the room and they asked her the same question they had asked the brunette and the redhead.

She thought for awhile and replied, "I would like to go to the sun.

"The people from NASA replied, "Why, don't you know that if you went to the sun you would burn to death?"

The blonde smirked and put her hands on her hips. "I'd go at night!"

How would you like to be the mailman on this route?