Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, You must go to HELL" replies St. Peter.
St Peter proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL.
St Peter then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
Thursday, March 30, 2006
The Blonde and the Easter Bunny
Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.
He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?" "I hit the Easter Bunny!!" said the guy. "Oh, I know what to do," said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.
A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!"
"Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'"
He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?" "I hit the Easter Bunny!!" said the guy. "Oh, I know what to do," said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.
A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!"
"Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'"
The Best Bar in the World
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
7 Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here,
let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up,
you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the
capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it
mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here,
let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up,
you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the
capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it
mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Cell phones
Okay I know a blog is not a great place to sell things and I really should be using Ebay instead. But, I have two cell phones that I am not using anymore and would like to get rid of them. If you would like to buy one of them, please send me an email.
Here is a description of the phones:
Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels)
Nokia with camera and vibrating alert - Barb especially likes this one.
Have a look at the pics below. You will see that they are in good shape.
No reasonable offer will be refused!!!!!
Here is a description of the phones:
Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels)
Nokia with camera and vibrating alert - Barb especially likes this one.
Have a look at the pics below. You will see that they are in good shape.
No reasonable offer will be refused!!!!!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
The Magic Lamp
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!
The suprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four?"
The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!
The suprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four?"
The Olympics
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.
"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.
"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
The Photographer
The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."
"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."
"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Bad Day?
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Death Sentence?
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?
''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''
''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.
''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''
''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''
''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''
''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.
''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''
''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''
Drinking Nun
This nun walked into a liquor store. She walked up to the cashier and said,
"Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"
The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."
"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.
"But Sister, I just..." The Cashier was again interrupted.
"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."
"Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked.
"Yes."
"Oh... Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any
money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the
bottle.
About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was
walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street,
weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song.
The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!"
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when
she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"
"Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"
The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."
"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.
"But Sister, I just..." The Cashier was again interrupted.
"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."
"Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked.
"Yes."
"Oh... Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any
money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the
bottle.
About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was
walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street,
weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song.
The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!"
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when
she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"
Friday, March 17, 2006
Happy St.Patty's Day
Would like to post a joke, but am heading to the local pub to have a traditional Irish 7 course meal:
A 6 pack of beer and a potatoe
A 6 pack of beer and a potatoe
Thursday, March 16, 2006
White House Breakfast
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast
at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and
some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight
grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've
only been in your second term of office for a year!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush
and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and
some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight
grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've
only been in your second term of office for a year!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush
and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
My Living Will
Barb and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer .
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer .
Thursday, March 09, 2006
The Burglar
A burglar breaks into a house.
He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you".
He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".
He spots some $ on a table and takes it. Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is
watching you".
He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it!
He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?".
The parrot said "YES".
He then says "What's your name?".
The parrot says "Moses".
The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird Moses??"
Moses replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you".
He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".
He spots some $ on a table and takes it. Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is
watching you".
He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it!
He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?".
The parrot said "YES".
He then says "What's your name?".
The parrot says "Moses".
The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird Moses??"
Moses replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
Friday, March 03, 2006
Nagging Wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to
eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to
eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Thursday, March 02, 2006
A Visit To The Doctor
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,' Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.'
'Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.'
'And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'
'You're going to die,' she replied.
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.'
'Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.'
'And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'
'You're going to die,' she replied.
Ugly Woman
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks:
"Are they twins? "
The woman says:
"No, John is 5 and Jim is 6. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice !"
The shopkeeper asks:
"Are they twins? "
The woman says:
"No, John is 5 and Jim is 6. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice !"
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Saying the right thing
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next
to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks,
"Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the
coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black
eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean,
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing at the right time . .....Priceless!!!!!!!!!
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next
to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks,
"Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the
coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black
eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean,
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing at the right time . .....Priceless!!!!!!!!!
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