And there’s more

By now, the poor Bishop was at his wit’s end, trying to find a replacement bell-ringer. One day there was a thunderous knocking at his door. When he opened it, he was confronted by a midget with no arms or legs.
“Yes?”, said the Bishop.
“I’ve come for the job of bellringer”, said the midget.
“Forgive me”, siad the Bishop, “but you seem slightly deficient in both the arm and leg department, so how could you possibly ring these two-ton bells?”

“Knocked on the door, din’ I?”, smirked the midget.

but wait, there’s more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there’s a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?”, the first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop,

“but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

I don't know his name

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job.
The bishop was incredulous.”You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,

“but his face rings a bell.”

This guy is driving along the highway

This guy is driving along the highway and his mobile phone rings.
“This is Head Office. You have just been promoted”
He drives on with a smile on his face, and after a while the phone rings again.
“This is Head Office, we have just restructured the company and you are now a Vice President”
He is so shocked he swerves all over the road and then drives on.The phone rings again.
“This is Head Office. The stress was to much for the President so he resigned and now you are our President”
The guy is so overcome with this news he loses control and the car crashes. A highway patrolman drags him from the wreckage and asks him what happened.

He says “I don’t know Officer. I just careered off the road”

First man on the moon

Technology has moved on and a group of audio engineers were listening to the recordings of the first moon landing. Just before Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon they heard a lot of crackling and static.
They digitally enhance this and hear Neil Armstrong say
“This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
So they phone up Neil Armstrong and ask him
“Did you really say - This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
Neil admits that he did and naturally they ask him why. So Neil Arstrong explains
“When I was a little boy growing up we used to live next door to the Zermanski’s. They were always argueing and shouting. I remembered one very hot summers night. I was in bed with all the windows open and I could hear the Zermanski’s shouting at one another in their backyard. Mrs Zermanski shouted,

‘Blow job. Blow job - I’ll give you a blow job when that young boy next door lands on the moon’

Some damn fool

There are these two men, Joe and Bill, who work in a sawmill.
One day Bill accidentally saws off his arm. Joe scoops it up , places it in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the local hospital. Using the very latest microsurgery techniques they sew Bill's arm back on.
Three days later Joe goes to visit his friend and is amazed to see him playing tennis.
"Wow" he says "Aren't these new medical techniques just wonderful"
Then Joe accidentally saws off his leg. Bill scoops it up , places it in a plastic bag and rushes Joe to the local hospital. Using the very latest microsurgery techniques they sew Joe's arm back on.
Three days later Bill goes to visit his friend and is amazed to see him playing football.
"Wow" he says "Aren't these new medical techniques just wonderful"
Finally Bill accidentally saws off his head. Joe scoops it up , places it in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the local hospital.
Three days later Joe goes to visit his friend and asks how he is.
The doctor says,

"He's dead. Our new microsurgery techniques would have saved him but some damn fool put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated"

Cutting pills

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra."Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
' I can cut them for you ' said the pharmacist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'

' I am 96 ' said the old man . ' I don ' t want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. ''

Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, "Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do".
Paddy said, "Oi haven't got da fingers."
"Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? To be sure, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you loik new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?"

Paddy said, " And how da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?"

Wittle wabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the wittle wabbits?"
And the shop keeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy black wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabbit over there?"
She in turn puts her hand on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a shit!"

Irish sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could onlyraise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Lifts rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Disposable nappies remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed on an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Balloon prices were inflated. Andrex touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded attempting to recharge the market.

Smoking in the rain

Two American old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
"What's that?" asked the first old lady
"A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." replies the second.
Obviously impressed, her friend asks "Where did you get it?"
"You can get them at any Chemist." says the second little old lady.
The next day, the first old lady hobbles into the local Chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter," she answers, "as long as it fits a Camel."

It is Thursday!

A business man got in an elevator.When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey,It's Thursday."

Do anything you want

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Deaf genie

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks: “So whadda ya got in the bag?”
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag time pulls out a small piano and a tiny piano bench, setting them on the counter as well. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a gorgeous piece by Mozart. Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man: “Where the hell’d ya get that?”
The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish,” she says.
The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it’s actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says:
“I want a million bucks.”
So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says:
“Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS.”
To this the man responded:

“No shit! Do you really think, for just one moment, that I would have ever wished for a TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!”

The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion:
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man!

Golf injury

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I couldrelieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the manreplied.He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still claspinghis hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened hispants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken'

Best lawyer story ever!

The Red Cross realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most famous and most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the Red Cross?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh..... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'
The stricken Red Cross rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The rep, completely humiliated, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So..... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

Teachers presents

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

Doctors do not laugh

The Doctor said 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then' Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure 'I'm so sorry' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen, 'Bob replied.