Hypothetic vs Realistic

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.

His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.

He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".

"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."

He did and came back and said,
"She said yes."

And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."

He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"

And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!

The Accident

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern
medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for
medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he
made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Annual Check-up

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and
do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when
I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Sue," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes
off?"

Sue exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

Shopping Trip

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”

$65,000 Qudestion

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in
her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even
managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove
them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You
know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to
run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked
grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she
cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the
answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane,
now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the
quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily
before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as
Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she
knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running
and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the
heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it
into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Oranges for Grandma

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Cola?

Wonder what the dispatcher thinks.

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Jerusalem

A reporter goes to Jerusalem , having heard that a man had been praying at the Wailing Wall for 40 years. He did this every day at 11 o'clock.
"Have you really been here every day?" asked the reporter.
"Of course. Without continuity, the power of prayer is weakened," replied the old man.
"What do you pray for?"
"Well, peace in the world, end of hostilities in Iraq , calm in Afghanistan , brotherhood between Israel and Palestine , the end of global warming and so on."
"At the risk of being impertinent, you don't seem to have been very successful," suggested the intrepid reporter.

"I know," said the old man. "Sometimes I think I am talking to a brick wall."

My wife is poisoning me

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Molly the camel

The Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?',

No not really, sir...
'They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are'.

Any experience?

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."

No flies on me!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh ! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

2 dyslexics

Two dyslexics in the kitchen and one says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"

"Gas? No, I can't even smell my name!"

Confessional tale

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession.I've had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance" Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fanny Green?"
A new woman in the Parish," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance."
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fanny Green?"

The altar boy quietly replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Hats off

One very windy day, a rabbi is on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blows his shtreimel off his head. The rabbi runs after it, but the wind is so strong, it blows his hat farther and farther away.
He just can't catch up with it, but a young man, a Gentile, witnesses this event, and being more fit than the rabbi, runs after the hat, catches it, and hands it over to the rabbi.
The rabbi is so happy and grateful that he gives the young man a five dollar reward, and lays his hands on the man's head, and blesses him. The young man is very excited about the tip and the blessing, and decides to go to the race track, and bet his five unexpected dollars.
After the races the young man returns home, and recounts his very exciting day at the races to his father.
"I arrived at the fifth race," says the young man, "looked at the racing program, and saw a horse by the name of "Top Hat" running. The odds on the horse were 100 to one - the longest shot on the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing, and the five dollars, and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being "Top Hat," I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire five dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the long shot in the field, and who didn't have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by five lengths!"
"You must have made a fortune," smiles his father.
"Yes," Pop, $500.00, but wait, it gets better," continued the son. "On the following race I looked at the program. A horse named "Stetson" was running.
The odds on "Stetson" were 30 to 1! But Stetson being some kind of hat, and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing, and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."
What happened?" asked the excited father.
"Stetson won big, and I collected a fortune."
"You mean you brought home all that money?" asked his father.
"No," says the son. "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named "Chateau," so I bet all the money on it because the horse was a heavy favorite, and the name also means "hat" in French, and remember it all started with the rabbi's hat! But the stupid horse broke down, and came in last. It wiped me out."
"His father wails, "Hat in French is "chapeau," you idiot, not "chateau," you idiot! You lost all that money because of your ignorance. Tell me, who did win that race, anyway?"

"A Japanese horse named "Yamaka."

Parachuting blind man

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack"

Who are you?

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!
Then he got a little panicky. " I don't remember her", he thought, "but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college, perhaps I DID father her child!"
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No!" she said with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's third-grade teacher!"

Where does she live?

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."

Gambling old lady

One day an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the President of the Bank in order to open a savings account, because she said she had a lot of money.
After many discussions the clerk took her to the office of the President. The President asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said $165,000, while putting the money onto his desk.
Curious, he asked her how she succeeded in saving so much money. The old lady said she made bets.
“What kind of bets?” asked the surprised President. The old lady answered him,
“For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”
The President started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible for her to win.
The old lady replied,
“Would you like to make the bet?”
“Certainly” answered the President, “I guarantee, for $25,000, that my testicles are not square.”
The old lady said, “I accept. But given the importance of the sum wagered I will come back at 10 am tomorrow with my lawyer as a witness”
“No problem” said the President very trustfully.
That evening the President became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, to make damn sure they could not be seen as square and to be sure to win the bet.
Next day at 10 am sharp the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the Presidents office to confirm the $25,000 bet for the fact that his testicles were square. The President confirmed the bet was as agreed the previous day. The old lady asked him to drop his trousers and underwear so she and the lawyer could see everything, which the President duly did.
The old lady came closer and asked him whether she could touch them or not.
“Of course, please do,” said the President, “Given the fact there is so much money involved you must be 100% sure”
And the old lady started to do so with a smile.
The President noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady why the lawyer was reacting like that.

She answered, “It is probably due to the fact that I bet him $100,000 that around 10 am today I would be holding the testicles of the President of the Bank of Canada in my hands”

You don't need a BMW

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog, and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new BMW 7 series. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny B’mer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to “grab his thingie” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Fancy dress

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so hewrites a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.


The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple.

Speaking clock

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors where rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.
“Why, that’s the speaking clock” the man replied.
“How does it work?”
“I’ll show you”, the man said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

“For f*ck’s sake, you wanker, it’s twenty to two in the f*cking morning"

Sniffer dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said,"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Can I have a penny?

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Infant sized

Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old’s.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much.
However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, “I too have a problem. My penis is infant sized, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was infant- sized !”

“It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces: 19 inches!”

Recruitment strategy

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send two or three candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after six hours and then analyse the situation.
* If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the Accounts department.
* If they are recounting them. Put them in Auditing.
* If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in Engineering.
* If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in Planning.
* If they are throwing the bricks at each ether. Put them> in Operations.
* If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
* If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in Information Technology.
* If they are sitting idle, put them In Human Resources.
* If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
* If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
* If they are staring out the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least: If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them into Management.

Sara Pipalini

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren’ and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna’ and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her andsays.

'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

And there’s more

By now, the poor Bishop was at his wit’s end, trying to find a replacement bell-ringer. One day there was a thunderous knocking at his door. When he opened it, he was confronted by a midget with no arms or legs.
“Yes?”, said the Bishop.
“I’ve come for the job of bellringer”, said the midget.
“Forgive me”, siad the Bishop, “but you seem slightly deficient in both the arm and leg department, so how could you possibly ring these two-ton bells?”

“Knocked on the door, din’ I?”, smirked the midget.

but wait, there’s more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there’s a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?”, the first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop,

“but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

I don't know his name

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job.
The bishop was incredulous.”You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,

“but his face rings a bell.”

This guy is driving along the highway

This guy is driving along the highway and his mobile phone rings.
“This is Head Office. You have just been promoted”
He drives on with a smile on his face, and after a while the phone rings again.
“This is Head Office, we have just restructured the company and you are now a Vice President”
He is so shocked he swerves all over the road and then drives on.The phone rings again.
“This is Head Office. The stress was to much for the President so he resigned and now you are our President”
The guy is so overcome with this news he loses control and the car crashes. A highway patrolman drags him from the wreckage and asks him what happened.

He says “I don’t know Officer. I just careered off the road”

First man on the moon

Technology has moved on and a group of audio engineers were listening to the recordings of the first moon landing. Just before Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon they heard a lot of crackling and static.
They digitally enhance this and hear Neil Armstrong say
“This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
So they phone up Neil Armstrong and ask him
“Did you really say - This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
Neil admits that he did and naturally they ask him why. So Neil Arstrong explains
“When I was a little boy growing up we used to live next door to the Zermanski’s. They were always argueing and shouting. I remembered one very hot summers night. I was in bed with all the windows open and I could hear the Zermanski’s shouting at one another in their backyard. Mrs Zermanski shouted,

‘Blow job. Blow job - I’ll give you a blow job when that young boy next door lands on the moon’

Some damn fool

There are these two men, Joe and Bill, who work in a sawmill.
One day Bill accidentally saws off his arm. Joe scoops it up , places it in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the local hospital. Using the very latest microsurgery techniques they sew Bill's arm back on.
Three days later Joe goes to visit his friend and is amazed to see him playing tennis.
"Wow" he says "Aren't these new medical techniques just wonderful"
Then Joe accidentally saws off his leg. Bill scoops it up , places it in a plastic bag and rushes Joe to the local hospital. Using the very latest microsurgery techniques they sew Joe's arm back on.
Three days later Bill goes to visit his friend and is amazed to see him playing football.
"Wow" he says "Aren't these new medical techniques just wonderful"
Finally Bill accidentally saws off his head. Joe scoops it up , places it in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the local hospital.
Three days later Joe goes to visit his friend and asks how he is.
The doctor says,

"He's dead. Our new microsurgery techniques would have saved him but some damn fool put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated"

Cutting pills

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra."Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
' I can cut them for you ' said the pharmacist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'

' I am 96 ' said the old man . ' I don ' t want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. ''

Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, "Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do".
Paddy said, "Oi haven't got da fingers."
"Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? To be sure, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you loik new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?"

Paddy said, " And how da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?"

Wittle wabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the wittle wabbits?"
And the shop keeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy black wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabbit over there?"
She in turn puts her hand on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a shit!"

Irish sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could onlyraise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Lifts rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Disposable nappies remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed on an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Balloon prices were inflated. Andrex touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded attempting to recharge the market.

Smoking in the rain

Two American old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
"What's that?" asked the first old lady
"A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." replies the second.
Obviously impressed, her friend asks "Where did you get it?"
"You can get them at any Chemist." says the second little old lady.
The next day, the first old lady hobbles into the local Chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter," she answers, "as long as it fits a Camel."

It is Thursday!

A business man got in an elevator.When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey,It's Thursday."

Do anything you want

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Deaf genie

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks: “So whadda ya got in the bag?”
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag time pulls out a small piano and a tiny piano bench, setting them on the counter as well. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a gorgeous piece by Mozart. Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man: “Where the hell’d ya get that?”
The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish,” she says.
The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it’s actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says:
“I want a million bucks.”
So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says:
“Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS.”
To this the man responded:

“No shit! Do you really think, for just one moment, that I would have ever wished for a TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!”

The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion:
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man!

Golf injury

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I couldrelieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the manreplied.He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still claspinghis hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened hispants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken'

Best lawyer story ever!

The Red Cross realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most famous and most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the Red Cross?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh..... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'
The stricken Red Cross rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The rep, completely humiliated, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So..... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

Teachers presents

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

Doctors do not laugh

The Doctor said 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then' Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure 'I'm so sorry' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen, 'Bob replied.

Marriage in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they asked! him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.....for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" Said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Daryl snores

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.

To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof I watched him all night."
The third night was s Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."
They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.”

What happened?

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
"He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

Another blonde joke

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke emails we've been receiving." his wife said.
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Between two thieves

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Tony Blair and Gordon Brown before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father." replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request and waited for a response.Soon the word arrived that Tony and Gordon, both conscious of their public 'image', were on their way. When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Tony's hand in his right hand and Gordon's hand in his left. There was silence and a look of serenity spread across the old priest's face.
Finally Tony spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Saviour. Jesus died between two lying thieves and I would like to do the same."

Childhood illnesses

So this couple are in the Honeymoon Suite on the first night of the honeymoon. The groom sits down and removes his shoes and socks (as you do).
“Oh” says his bride “Your toes are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had toesillitis when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean tonsillitis?”
“No, my love, I do mean toesillitis, it leaves you with very small toes”
The Groom then drops his trousers.
“Oh” says his bride “Your knees are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had kneemonia when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean pneumonia?”
“No, my love, I do mean kneemonia, it leaves you with very small knees”
The groom removes his underpants and his bride comments,

“I see you also caught dicktheria!!!”

Don't give the matter another thought

At Heathrow Airport, a 300-foot long red carpet stretches out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they then board an open 17th century coach pulled by six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Brits.

So far everything is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-shaking, eye stinging, acrid blast of flatulence ever heard in the British Empire and so powerful, that it shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two Dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. But, embarrassed, the Queen decides it's impossible to ignore it.
“Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things not even a Queen can control.”
Ever the Texas gentleman, the President replies,

“Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses.”

St Patricks Day

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. " I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by Jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."
"From the hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the skippin", the Irishman said.

***************************************************************

A doctor in Ireland wanted to take off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Paddy, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Paddy, how was your day?"
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir, "says Paddy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table. She spreads her legs and shouts:
"HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Tunderin' Lard Jayzus, Paddy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

3 Brothers

An Irish man walks into a pub.
The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine - I just quit drinking for Lent."

Scottish snow storm

These two men are going on a sking holiday in the north of Scotland. As they drive north the weather gets worse and the road is getting covered in snow. They see a house in the middle of nowhere with its lights blazing. The snow is getting deeper by the minute so they knock on the door.
An old lady answers and they ask if she can give them shelter. She says
“ You cannot stay in the house, but you can shelter in the barn and I’ll make you a nice warm supper”

A year passes and one of the men gets a letter from a Scottish firm of solicitors. He phones his pal and asks
“On our sking trip last year, when we were stuck in the snow – did you sneak into the house and make love to the old lady?”
His pal says that he did.
“Did you give her my name and address?”
His pal confesses and says he is really sorry. “Are you in trouble?” he asks.

“No trouble. The old lady just died and left me a fortune!”

Grizzly bears

Grizzly bears in the US National Parks have started ripping the doors off parked cars to get at the food left inside, and are wandering around close to the carparks . So to avoid hikers walking along trails and running into the grizzlies outdoor equipment shops have started selling little brass bells.The idea is that hikers should sew the little bells onto their backpacks and the bells will go “ting a ling a ling a ling” as the hikers walk along the National Park trails.
The bears will hear the bells and wont be surprised by the sudden appearance of a hiker.The hikers will know that they have not confronted a huge grizzly bear, and they will also know that there are bears in the vicinity because they will see the tell-tale piles of grizzly bear shit by the side of the trail.
How will they know that it is grizzly bear shit?

Easy, that’s the shit with little brass bells in it.

Farmer John's Mule

Farmer John had a nagging wife who made his life miserable.

The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, John's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, John's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, John's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to John he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached John and asked, 'Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?'

"Well,"' John replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. "

The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"

The ultimate Blonde joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it backsaying,

'OK, you can go.... I didn't realize you were a cop.'

Girl's night out

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that said.....

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!"

And the moral is ......

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.
'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay the f**k away from Auntie Sharon when she's been drinking.'

Tonight

This professor goes to give a lecture on Human Sexual Behaviour, and the hall is packed. He explains the is no average number of times a couple should make love. They should do it as often as suits themselves. He says that it is not a competition and different couples have different needs.
To demonstrate this he asks how many couples make love every day. Quite a few hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every week.
Lots of hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every month.
Quite a few hands are raised.
He says some people are content to make love just once a year.
A little man at the back jumps up and waves his hand.
The lecturer comments “ you seem remarkably happy to be making love just once a year”

“TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT !!!”

I see you also caught

So this couple are in the Honeymoon Suite on the first night of the honeymoon. The groom sits down and removes his shoes and socks (as you do).
“Oh” says his bride “Your toes are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had toesillitis when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean tonsillitis?”
“No, my love, I do mean toesillitis, it leaves you with very small toes”
The Groom then drops his trousers.
“Oh” says his bride “Your knees are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had kneemonia when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean pneumonia?”
“No, my love, I do mean kneemonia, it leaves you with very small knees”
The groom removes his underpants and his bride comments,

“I see you also caught dicktheria!!!”

Faith healer

This faith-healer is stood in front of a large audience.
“Have faith in me, my prayers can heal the sick. I can make the deaf hear, the blind see and the lame walk”
“Hallelujah, is there anyone here tonight who wants to be cured?”
A man lurches down the aisle on crutches and staggers onto the stage.
“My friend, have faith. Our prayers will make you whole. I won't embarrass you so I will just call you ‘Number One.’ Is there anyone else?”
A second man walks down.
“My friend, I can see no ailment?”
He answers in a high nasal voice “I’ve got a hare lip”
“You shall also be cured, I will call you ‘Number Two’. Both of you please go behind this screen and await you cure. Everybody help me with your prayers”
He goes into a trance, devoutly praying. Then calls out loud “Number One - throw out your crutches”
The crutches sail out over the screen. “Number Two - speak to me”

A high nasal voice cries out. “Number One has fallen over”

I like engineers

Five surgeons are taking a coffee break.
1st surgeon says: “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.
2nd surgeon says: “Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
3rd surgeon says: “Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is colour coded.”
4th surgeon says: “I prefer lawyers. They’re heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says

“I like engineers....they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end.”

That's cool

An IT guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
"If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The IT guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out,
"If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the IT guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked,
"What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The IT guy said,

"Look I work in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Today's Stock Market Report:

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Lifts rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Disposable nappies remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed on an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Balloon prices were inflated. Andrex touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded attempting to recharge the market.

Two priests on holiday

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different coloured topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.'
'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

She replied, 'Father, it's me,............ Sister Kathleen!'

Yearly tax audit

The Inland Revenue send their auditor to a synagogue. The auditor is doing all the checks and then turns to the Rabbi," and says, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."
"Yes," answered the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candlemaker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...
"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to The Inland Revenue”
"Inland Revenue...?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, "Inland Revenue ….. and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you"

A blind man enters a lesbian bar

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,
"Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things...

1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,
and
5 - I'm a 6 foot, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a very bad attitude! Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says;

"Naaaah . . . not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Putting Your Affairs In Order

A woman went to her doctor. The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
"Well daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the club and have a martini."
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."
The friends were aghast and gave the woman their condolences.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS."
The woman said, "I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

That's "Putting Your Affairs In Order"

We do use Vaseline ...

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young attractive woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough- Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was : Vaseline
She certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes”.?
Asked how she used it, she said “To assist in the performance of sexual intercourse.”
The interviewer was amazed. He said “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always lie and say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but we know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Ma’am, Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out. “

Texas salesman

A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
“Have you ever been a salesman before?” the boss asked during his interview.
“Yes, I was a salesman in Texas,” the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. “I’ll come and see how you made out after we close up,” the boss said. The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 o’clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair.
“How many sales did you make today?” the boss asked.
“One,” said the lad.
“One?” said the boss, obviously displeased. “Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?”
“Exactly $101,334.53,” said the young man.
“How did you manage that?” asked the boss, flabbergasted.
“Well,” said the lad, “this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said he’d probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn’t be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck.”
“You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?” the boss asked in astonishment.
“He didn’t come in to buy a fish hook,” the Texas boy explained. “He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him,

‘Your weekend’s shot. You might as well go fishing.’

Speaking clock

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors where rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.
“Why, that’s the speaking clock” the man replied.
“How does it work?”
“I’ll show you”, the man said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

“For f*ck’s sake, you wanker, it’s twenty to two in the f*cking morning."

Trouble with wind

This woman goes to see her doctor and says,
“I am having a lot of trouble with wind. It can’t be serious because it does not smell and makes no sound”
The doctor prescibes some tablets and says,
“Take this course of medicine and come back and see me in one week”
A week later she reappears and says,
“My God. What was in those tablets? My farts smell awful”
The doctor says,

“Good! That’s got your sinuses clear. Now we will see about your hearing."

Headache cure

This man suffers from terrible headaches. He goes to the doctor, who can find nothing wrong, and tries every known remedy with no success. Finally the doctor sends him to the hospital to see a specialist. The specialist arranges for every possible test to be done. When the test results come in the specialist studies them and tells the man.
“Everything seems to be OK. There are no obvious causes for the headaches. The only thing is there is a slight shadow on the X-rays in your testicles. As a very last resort I have to recommend that we remove them”
“Are you sure?” asks the man “Is there nothing else?”
“We have tried everything else. This is the very last resort - there is nothing else to try” explains the specialist.
So the operation takes place and while he is recuperating from the loss he decides to totally change his image. His first stop when he is able to get out and about is to the tailors for a brand new wardrobe.
He decides to get a new bespoke tailor-made suit and goes off to be measured. The tailor takes every possible measurement and finally measures his inside leg.
The tailor murmurs discreetly “Which side to you dress? Sir”
“Pardon me?” says the man
Again the tailor murmurs discreetly “Which side to you dress? Sir. Do your genitals hang to the left or the right?”
The man says “I don’t know, is it really important”

“Oh yes. Sir. If the trousers don’t fit correctly you get the most terrible headaches”

I think your husband just slid under the table

A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman,
"Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said,

"No he didn't. He just walked in the door.”

Preacher is leaving

Preacher is explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation, no one wants him to leave. Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and proclaims, ....
"If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport theirchildren!"
The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds. Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, ....
"If the Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also establish a foundationto guarantee the college education of all his children!"
More sighs and loud applause, Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile , "If the Preacher stays, . I will give him sex!"
There is total silence,The Preacher, blushing, asks her, . "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies, .....

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, .... "Screw the Preacher!"

Has anyone seen ....

This Irish priest had ten chickens and one cock he kept in a hen house behind the church. One Saturday night, the cock rooster was missing, and as that was the time the priest suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to say something about it at church the next morning. At Mass, he asked the congregation,
"Has anyone got a cock?"
All the men in the church stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no," he said. "That wasn't what I meant, either. Has anyone seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up.
"No, no" he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?"

All the choir boys stood up.

The breakfast was my idea

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for £500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.
The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles,and freshly-squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the five pound note for?"
"Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you".

He said, "F ** k him. Give him a fiver"

She smiled prettily. "The breakfast was my idea."

Blonde bet

Two bored casino workers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice, and yelled,
"Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She jumped up and down, and hugged each of the dealers, picked up all the money and her clothes, and departed.

The dealers stared at each other -dumfounded.
Finally one of them asked: "What did she roll?"

The other guy answered, "I don't know. I thought you were watching."

Jewish bra

A Jewish man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York. He tells the saleslady,
"I would like a Jewish bra for my wife size, 34B."
With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"
He repeated, "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra, and that you would know what she wanted."
"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests for those as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra,or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."
Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"
The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and thePresbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."
He mused on that information for a minute and said, "Hmm. I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"Ah, the Jewish bra," she replied "makes mountains out of molehills

Human Sexual Behaviour

This professor goes to give a lecture on Human Sexual Behaviour, and the hall is packed. He explains the is no average number of times a couple should make love. They should do it as often as suits themselves. He says that it is not a competition and different couples have different needs.
To demonstrate this he asks how many couples make love every day. Quite a few hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every week.
Lots of hands are raised.
He asks how many couples make love every month.
Quite a few hands are raised.
He says some people are content to make love just once a year.
A little man at the back jumps up and waves his hand.
The lecturer comments “ You seem remarkably happy to be making love just once a year”

“TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT !!!”

What's he like?

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."

I have saved your son

Little Roger Radish is a happy little child without a care in the world, hopping and skipping on his way home from school. Sadly he gets hit by a car and is very badly injured. He lies bleeding in the road when up roars an ambulance and out jump two paramedics, Joe Parsnip and Simon Carrot. They quickly bandage the wounds, put him in the ambulance and speed off with blue lights flashing and siren wailing.
At the hospital casualty ward Sister Potato and her highly trained team of nurses, Leek, Onion and Petit Pois, are waiting. Quickly the little radish is fitted with all the necessary drips and electronic monitors.
Doctor Cabbage examines the little chap and is very worried about his head injuries. Sister Potato says that luckily the country’s top brain surgeon, Professor Brussels-Sprout is actually in the hospital. Professor Brussels-Sprout agrees to operate on the little radish. They are in the operating theatre for hours and hours.
Finally the operation is over and the exhausted Professor Brussels-Sprout goes to see Mr and Mrs Radish who have been anxiously waiting. Professor Brussels-Sprout says,

“ I have managed to save your sons life, but I am afraid he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Who is in the limo?

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," . said the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that; he's really important," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor?."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I think it's God!"
"What makes you think it's God?"

"He's got the Pope driving for him!"

Biker and the little old lady

A biker stopped by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said since he didn't live far, he would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store / livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said,
"Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"
Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went . .
In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"
The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said,
"I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in hell could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The little old lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Green side up

A couple who want to buy a new house go to the building site. They meet the site manager in the office and he agrees to let them look round the show house.
He opens the door to let them inside and stops and shouts “Green side up” then follows them inside. He shows them round the lounge and halfway through describing all the wonderful features he opens the window and shouts out “Green side up”
They go into the kitchen and the same thing happens. Halfway through he opens the window and shouts out “Green side up” Upstairs they tour through all the bedrooms and the bathroom and in every room he opens the window and shouts out “Green side up”
Finally he takes them down to the hall and asks if they have any questions. The husband says he does and asks. “Why do you keep opening the windows and yell ‘Green side up’?”

The site manager says “Oh that. I have a gang of Irish labourers in the garden laying turf”

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up,whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning some things here -- got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.



"No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much".

Yorkshiremen

Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in Oxford Street. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin' ere?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing well .. Only two left!"

The moral for Southerners - Don't mess with Yorkshiremen!!!

Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly.....
He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied. 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own fu*king blanket.'

After a moment of silence, he farted.
The End

Take the penguins to the zoo

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says:
"You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately." The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they're all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands:
"I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies: "I did . . . today I'm taking them to the beach!"

Barbie

A dad is on his way home a bit late from the office when he realises that it's his daughter's birthday and he has not bought her a gift. So he stops at a toy store to buy his daughter a Barbie.Inside he sees a Barbie display and asks the salesgirl how much the Barbies are.
The girl responds: "Which one? We have:
Gymnasium Barbie: £19.95
Volleyball Barbie: £19.95
Shopping Barbie: £19.95
Surfer Barbie: £19.95
Disco Barbie: £19.95
and Divorced Barbie: £299.95

Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the other Barbies are £19.95?"

Exasperated, the girl responds:
"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car
Ken's House
Ken's Boat
Ken's furniture
Ken's jewellery
Ken's money
Ken's computer,
and Ken's best friend.

I know him!

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test
The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'