A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it.
He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.
Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom".
"I did - She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Tuesday, October 03, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
The Wedding Night
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, and says, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, and says, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Blind man in a bar
A blind man walks into a bar, makes his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender. "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five damn times."
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair that you should know five things.
Number One. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Number Two. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
Number Three. I'm a six-foot-tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
Number Four. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
Number Five. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
She concludes by smugly asking, "Now think about it seriously, mister.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five damn times."
Flying First Class
A plane is on its way to Boston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have go sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Boston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Boston and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Boston."
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Boston and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Boston and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Boston."
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
The jigsaw puzzle
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed.... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be
able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed.... "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box"
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
A joke I heard on Southwest Airlines
Last week I had a flight on Southwest Airlines. One of the flight attendents told the following joke before takeoff. Southwest really does make travelling fun.
One day old man John and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $50 per person. John looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to John, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $50 is $50." So John goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, John wants to ride, but Martha says $50 is $50.
Finally, when John and Martha are both about 70 years old, John looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies $50 is $50, and John kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation.
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $50 each." Well, Martha and John look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at John and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to you, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." John looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $50 is $50!"
One day old man John and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $50 per person. John looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to John, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $50 is $50." So John goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, John wants to ride, but Martha says $50 is $50.
Finally, when John and Martha are both about 70 years old, John looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies $50 is $50, and John kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation.
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $50 each." Well, Martha and John look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at John and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to you, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." John looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $50 is $50!"
Monday, September 18, 2006
What should you name your new invention?
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton", replies the inventor.
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor...
"You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
Friday, September 15, 2006
Blondes working for the city
Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole-digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
A long wait
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Crocodile shoes
Paddy happens to be passing a shoe shop in Dublin one day, and in the window he spots a pair of shoes. He likes them, so he enters the shop and asks the shop assistant, "How much are dem shoes in de window, fella?"
"Those are 500 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.
"Begorrah!" exclaims Paddy, "Dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes."
"Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare," says the assistant.
Paddy certainly can't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes so he leaves the shop and goes home. He tells his brother, Mick, about the shoes, and Mick has a brilliant idea: "Sure, Paddy, and we should go to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!"
Paddy is very impressed with this idea, so off they both go to Africa and they hire a guide to show them to the most crocodile-infested river.
They make camp and Mick says to Paddy, "Tell you what, Paddy, you start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck." So off Mick goes, back to town with the guide leaving Paddy to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles.
A couple of weeks later, Mick has pretty much drained the town of all available bottles of Guinness and is running low on cash, so he decides to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy is getting on.
As he pulls into the camp in the truck, he sees crocodiles everywhere, stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles.
He jumps out of the truck and goes in search of Paddy, and just then there's a commotion in the river, loads of splashing, and Paddy comes to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile which he wrestles to the shore then clubs to death.
"How's it going, there, Paddy?" asks Mick.
"Terrible," replies Paddy, "in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!"
"Those are 500 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.
"Begorrah!" exclaims Paddy, "Dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes."
"Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare," says the assistant.
Paddy certainly can't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes so he leaves the shop and goes home. He tells his brother, Mick, about the shoes, and Mick has a brilliant idea: "Sure, Paddy, and we should go to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make ourselves a fortune, sure enough!"
Paddy is very impressed with this idea, so off they both go to Africa and they hire a guide to show them to the most crocodile-infested river.
They make camp and Mick says to Paddy, "Tell you what, Paddy, you start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a truck." So off Mick goes, back to town with the guide leaving Paddy to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles.
A couple of weeks later, Mick has pretty much drained the town of all available bottles of Guinness and is running low on cash, so he decides to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy is getting on.
As he pulls into the camp in the truck, he sees crocodiles everywhere, stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank, hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles.
He jumps out of the truck and goes in search of Paddy, and just then there's a commotion in the river, loads of splashing, and Paddy comes to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile which he wrestles to the shore then clubs to death.
"How's it going, there, Paddy?" asks Mick.
"Terrible," replies Paddy, "in fact I've caught about a tousand of dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!"
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Friday, September 01, 2006
Out of the mouth of babes
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
A real clown
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out; a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air. She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him -
HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
The pearly gates
Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie and answered, "about 1,500." "That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
Friday, August 25, 2006
DUI
It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.
"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.
"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.
"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.
"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.
"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.
Inside the garage was the state troopers car.
News Flash - Scientists find female hormones in beer
Yesterday, scientists in the UK revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
New Diet Plan
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
Blonde Kidnapping
A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
Thursday, August 24, 2006
He bought the farm!
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No. The bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.
The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No. The bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother?"
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
How to cure a headache
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. 9EE." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see. size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see. 9EE." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see. size 36."
Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Happy Mother's Day - Moms rule
The Child's Comments and Thoughts
My daughter came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon her face.
She decided she was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to comb my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear nose belly rings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.
Mom's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
to toss her out the door!
But the chance to teach her a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
she's messing with a pro.
Next day I took her shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told her, "Pick out all you want,
there's blouses & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."
She asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"
MOM
(Mean Old Mother.)
My daughter came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon her face.
She decided she was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to comb my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear nose belly rings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.
Mom's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
to toss her out the door!
But the chance to teach her a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
she's messing with a pro.
Next day I took her shopping
at the local Goodwill Store.
I told her, "Pick out all you want,
there's blouses & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best."
I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine."
She asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires
just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?"
MOM
(Mean Old Mother.)
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
How much is enough?
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.
When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you."
The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health." Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
Cannibals
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees." The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shake their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
Is honesty the best policy?
An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep."
To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)
The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.
The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.
The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
*
*
*
*
Answer: Well, DUH!... The one with the biggest breasts!
To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)
The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.
The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.
The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
*
*
*
*
Answer: Well, DUH!... The one with the biggest breasts!
How to sell a toothbrush
A man is looking in the classified ads for a job. He notices an advertisement for a toothbrush salesman and figured that couldn't such a bad job. So, he calls in, he goes in and they hire him. The next day, he heads out to a neighborhood to make some sales. Five hours later he comes home and says, "Man, I only sold one toothbrush. That's not enough"
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip" A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, "This tastes like shit."
And the salesman replied, "Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?
So the next day he goes to a richer neighborhood, thinking maybe those people would buy more toothbrushes. He ends up selling two toothbrushes. So he goes to his boss for advice and his boss says, "Look, you're a great guy and all, but you gotta come up with a gimmick or something."
So, the salesman thinks about it and, later that night, he finally comes up with one.
So the next day, he sets up a booth near the subway with a sign that says "Free chips and dip" A guy walks over and puts the chip in the dip and says, "This tastes like shit."
And the salesman replied, "Yeah, it is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?
Thursday, May 04, 2006
The chicken and the horse
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
Proud of your kids??
There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar stool and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?"
The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."
The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."
The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus."
The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach."
The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."
Green side up
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The
contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it,
and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the
painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote
this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said
nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm
rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side
up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes
laying sod across the street."
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The
contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it,
and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP! "In the second room she told the
painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote
this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said
nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm
rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side
up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes
laying sod across the street."
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
Bicycle Safety
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The kid replies, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Engineer
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says: "Ah, you're an engineer, but you worked for a high-tech startup company and got rich. You've had too good of a life, so now you can't come in here."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."
Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer is dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are all upgraded and there are speaker wires running to every room. Even the clocks on the VCRs are set. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls up Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. The computers are faster than ever and we've got music in every room. There's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there! Send him back up here, now."
Satan shouts back, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right... and just where are YOU going to find a lawyer?"
Monday, May 01, 2006
The Wagon
A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
A gambler
A man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge roll of money and slapped it onto the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge roll of money and slapped it onto the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are 50-50 at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
You have email!
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Politics
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
Life on the farm
A young farm boy awoke and wanted breakfast so he told his mother.
She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry.
His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him or will you?"
She said, "Not until you feed the animals."
The boy went outside and said to the chicken, "I don't feel like feeding you today." So he kicked the chicken. He did the same with the cow and the pig. The boy then went back into the house and told his mother he was hungry.
His mother said, "I saw you kick the chicken so you're not getting any eggs, I saw you kick the cow so you're not getting any milk and I saw kick the pig so you're not getting any bacon."
Just then the boy's father walked down the steps and tripped over and kicked the cat and the boy said, "Mom should I tell him or will you?"
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Too many lawyers?
You know there are too many lawyers when one will take a case like this!
Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign
September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle."
Elderly Man Sued for Stopping at Stop Sign
September 9, 2002 - Atlanta, USA
In a case possibly first of its kind, 67 year old Arthur Thompson is being sued by 32 year old Lynn Manaouski for stopping at a 4-way stop sign. In her statement she described how she came up to the intersection leading into her downtown condo, and rear ended the driver in front of her due to his 'complete and full stop'. She continues to say that of the almost 2 years of living in that particular condominium complex, she had not once been behind someone who had made a full stop at the stop sign, and that his inability to be 'consistent with typical driving patterns' caused the accident. As a result, she is convinced that Mr. Thompson is directly responsible for the accident and should be held accountable for all incurred costs of repair to both vehicles. When reminded that it is the law to make a complete stop at a stop sign, her abrupt response was "I am quite capable of deciding when it is a good or bad time to stop my vehicle."
Monday, April 17, 2006
Emoticons
We all use keys on the keyboard to make smiley faces, frowns, winks, etc. But, have you heard of Assicons? Here are some examples:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) an ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
New Medical Technology?
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
Where is God?
The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be confident that if any mischief occurred in their town, their two young sons were involved in some capacity. The parents were at their wit's end as to what to do about their sons' behavior.
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
The parents had heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him, and he agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys individually, so the eight-year-old was sent to meet with him first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"
The boy made no response, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?"
Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face, "WHERE IS GOD?"
At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slammed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?"
The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!"
The significance of a dot
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?"
"I don't know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,'' said the little boy.
"Well, I can see that," she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?"
"I don't know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Heraing Test
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. - "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the Husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."
Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. - "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Taxes
Today I did my taxes so I figured I would try and find a good tax joke. I didn't find a joke, but the following stats about taxes woul be funny if they were not so sad:
The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.
There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.
Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.
The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.
Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.
American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.
The burden of compliance is the equivalent to a staff of 3 million people working full time for a year, just to comply with the taxes on individuals and businesses.
The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.
60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.
Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.
AND THAT IS ONLY THE FEDERAL TAX---NOT COUNTING STATE, LOCAL, PROPERTY, SALES TAX, ETC.
The Gettysburg address is 269 words, the Declaration of Independence is 1,337 words, and the Holy Bible is only 773,000 words. However, the tax law has grown from 11,400 words in 1913, to 7 million words today.
There are at least 480 different tax forms, each with many pages of instructions.
Even the easiest form, the 1040E has 33 pages in instructions, and all in fine print.
The IRS sends out 8 billion pages of forms and instructions each year. Laid end to end, they would stretch 28 times around the earth.
Nearly 300,000 trees are cut down yearly to produce the paper for all the IRS forms and instructions.
American taxpayers spend $200 billion and 5.4 billion hours working to comply with federal taxes each year, more than it takes to produce every car, truck, and van in the United States.
The burden of compliance is the equivalent to a staff of 3 million people working full time for a year, just to comply with the taxes on individuals and businesses.
The IRS employs 114,000 people; that's twice as many as the CIA and five times more than the FBI.
60% of taxpayers must hire a professional to get through their own return.
Taxes eat up 38.2% of the average family's income; that's more than for food, clothing and shelter combined.
AND THAT IS ONLY THE FEDERAL TAX---NOT COUNTING STATE, LOCAL, PROPERTY, SALES TAX, ETC.
Sunday, April 09, 2006
If a deal sounds too good to be true....
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo?
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year.
Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him).
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up....
He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the
contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo?
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.
So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year.
Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him).
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung
up....
He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Easter Quiz
Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St.Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, You must go to HELL" replies St. Peter.
St Peter proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL.
St Peter then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
St. Peter asks the first blonde, "What is Easter?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
"Wrong!, You must go to HELL" replies St. Peter.
St Peter proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, "What is Easter?"
The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
St. Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head in disgust on the Pearly Gates, tells her she's wrong and to go to HELL.
St Peter then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "What is Easter?"
The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."
"Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously.
"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."
St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.
The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out... and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."
The Blonde and the Easter Bunny
Once there was this guy, and he was driving in his car, and all of a sudden, he sees the Easter Bunny hopping on the road. Well, he was going too fast, and he didn't hit the brakes in time, so he hit the Easter Bunny.
He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?" "I hit the Easter Bunny!!" said the guy. "Oh, I know what to do," said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.
A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!"
"Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'"
He was really upset, and was thinking, "Oh no, what about all those poor little kids?? What can I do!?" Then, a blonde drove up in her car, and asked, "What's wrong?" "I hit the Easter Bunny!!" said the guy. "Oh, I know what to do," said the blonde, and she went into her car, got a can, and sprayed the Easter Bunny with it.
A few minutes later, the Easter Bunny got up, hopped a little bit, turned around and waved, hopped a little, turned around and waved, and it kept doing that. When the Easter Bunny was out of sight, the guy turned to the blonde and asked, "Wow, I'm dying to know what was in that can!!"
"Oh," said the blonde, "It was hair spray. It says, 'Spray on dead hair for permanent wave.'"
The Best Bar in the World
A Scotsman, American, and an Irishman are in a bar.
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a good place.
Then the American says, "Yeah,that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Irishman says, "You think that's great? Where I come from in Dublin, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"
"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"
7 Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here,
let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up,
you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the
capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it
mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and
said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here,
let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second
one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!" The blonde replies, "Shut up,
you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the
capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it
mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.
Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the
Delaware"
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Cell phones
Okay I know a blog is not a great place to sell things and I really should be using Ebay instead. But, I have two cell phones that I am not using anymore and would like to get rid of them. If you would like to buy one of them, please send me an email.
Here is a description of the phones:
Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels)
Nokia with camera and vibrating alert - Barb especially likes this one.
Have a look at the pics below. You will see that they are in good shape.
No reasonable offer will be refused!!!!!
Here is a description of the phones:
Nokia with camera (4.1 mega pixels)
Nokia with camera and vibrating alert - Barb especially likes this one.
Have a look at the pics below. You will see that they are in good shape.
No reasonable offer will be refused!!!!!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
The Magic Lamp
There was a guy walking down the street in San Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless. While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF* A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!
The suprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four?"
The very angry looking Genie said, ''Alright, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!
The suprised man said, "OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, "Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said, "Fine then, I want to understand women."
The genie said, "Would you like two lanes or four?"
The Olympics
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal.
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.
"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.
"I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.
"You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
The Photographer
The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and elected to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."
"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of. . . " gasped Mrs. Jones.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your ...equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long."
"Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she's fainted!"
Bad Day?
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Death Sentence?
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?
''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''
''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.
''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''
''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''
''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''
''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''
Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.
''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''
The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''
''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''
Drinking Nun
This nun walked into a liquor store. She walked up to the cashier and said,
"Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"
The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."
"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.
"But Sister, I just..." The Cashier was again interrupted.
"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."
"Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked.
"Yes."
"Oh... Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any
money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the
bottle.
About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was
walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street,
weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song.
The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!"
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when
she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"
"Could you give me a bottle of whiskey?"
The man replied, "Sister, I can't, I really . . ."
"Please, I need it," the Nun interrupted.
"But Sister, I just..." The Cashier was again interrupted.
"Really, It's all right. It's for medical purposes."
"Medical purposes?" The Cashier asked.
"Yes."
"Oh... Well, I guess so. Here, take it for free, I just couldn't charge any
money." The Cashier handed her a bottle of whiskey. She walked off with the
bottle.
About four hours later, the cashier was locking up. And lo-behold, as he was
walking to his car, there the nun was, on the other side of the street,
weaving and swerving from side to side, singing a song.
The cashier called out to her, "Sister, you told me it was for medical purposes!"
The nun replied, "It is. You see, the Mother Superior is constipated, and when
she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"
Friday, March 17, 2006
Happy St.Patty's Day
Would like to post a joke, but am heading to the local pub to have a traditional Irish 7 course meal:
A 6 pack of beer and a potatoe
A 6 pack of beer and a potatoe
Thursday, March 16, 2006
White House Breakfast
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast
at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and
some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight
grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've
only been in your second term of office for a year!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush
and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would
like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and
some fruit."
"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"
George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight
grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"
"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude!
You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton, and you've
only been in your second term of office for a year!"
As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush
and whispers..."It's pronounced 'quiche'."
My Living Will
Barb and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer .
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
She got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all my beer .
Thursday, March 09, 2006
The Burglar
A burglar breaks into a house.
He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you".
He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".
He spots some $ on a table and takes it. Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is
watching you".
He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it!
He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?".
The parrot said "YES".
He then says "What's your name?".
The parrot says "Moses".
The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird Moses??"
Moses replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you".
He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?".
He spots some $ on a table and takes it. Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is
watching you".
He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it!
He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?".
The parrot said "YES".
He then says "What's your name?".
The parrot says "Moses".
The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird Moses??"
Moses replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS".
Friday, March 03, 2006
Nagging Wife
An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to
eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to
eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen
for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in
disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his
head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my
head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They all wanted to know if the mule was for sale."
Thursday, March 02, 2006
A Visit To The Doctor
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,' Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.'
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.'
'Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.'
'And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'
'You're going to die,' she replied.
'Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.'
'Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by being pleasant and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.'
'And, most importantly satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.'
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, 'What did the doctor say?'
'You're going to die,' she replied.
Ugly Woman
An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.
The shopkeeper asks:
"Are they twins? "
The woman says:
"No, John is 5 and Jim is 6. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice !"
The shopkeeper asks:
"Are they twins? "
The woman says:
"No, John is 5 and Jim is 6. Why? Do you think they look alike?"
"No", he replies, "I just can't believe you got laid twice !"
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Saying the right thing
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next
to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks,
"Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the
coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black
eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean,
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing at the right time . .....Priceless!!!!!!!!!
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next
to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He
looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So
is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him
in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror
written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick!:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to
make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot
coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks,
"Son, what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the
coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black
eye when you ran into the door."
Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean,
I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried
to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken Coffee Table $39.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins .38
Saying the right thing at the right time . .....Priceless!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, February 25, 2006
The Picnic
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the
picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten
miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a
bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will
not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady
pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a
promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they
can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are
about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten
miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a
bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says
they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will
not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady
pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a
promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they
can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are
about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
Friday, February 24, 2006
What is the best punishment?
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia.
One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Engineers and Home Theater Systems
I just got a new DVD recorder to hook up to the Home Theater System. Being an engineer I like as many components and remote controls as humanly possible for the Home Theater Room. Yes we do have a room dedicated to Home Theater! You might be an engineer if any of the following Home Entertainment statements are true:
You and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
You and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception.
The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.
You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside.
You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday.
You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Banks
I have been having a terrible time dealing with Webster Bank. They hold my mortgage and have screwed my account up since October. Seems that their idea of what to do with extra payments is to apply it to interest and not principal. It took many visits, phone calls and finally a letter to the state banking commission for them to even try to rectify their mistakes. After reading the following joke I could only wish that Webster Bank had this much competence:
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... she leaned over and pushed me."
Monday, February 20, 2006
Happy President's Day
One night, George W. Bush is awakened by George Washington's ghost in the White House. Bush asks: "George, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Never tell a lie," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Always follow the constitution," Jefferson advises.
Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."
"Never tell a lie," Washington advises.
The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the dark bedroom. "Tom," W asks, "what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"
"Always follow the constitution," Jefferson advises.
Bush isn't sleeping well the next night, and sees another figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asks. Abe answers: "Go see a play."
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
10 Husbands
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin.
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was ... God, I miss him!
"But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the husband, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a LAWYER. This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"
Monday, February 13, 2006
Happy Valentine's Day
Guys -- You are sure to get lucky if you use this Valentine wish!
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
It's a new trollin' motor!!
Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.
Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.
You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.
Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.
Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.
Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.
When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.
Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...
It's a new trollin' motor!!
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Bill Gates - The smartest man in the world?
One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie.
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane.
Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night.
Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped.
The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane."
The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, dude. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."
Monday, February 06, 2006
The wedding night
The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Be careful what you wish for!
This guy drives a delivery van and he starts going out with a really rich girl. Eventually she says.
“Come round to afternoon tea and meet my parents”
So he drives his van up the long drive and parks in front of the mansion. His girlfriend meets him at the door and takes him into the huge, huge lounge to have afternoon tea with her parents. Soon he is sat on this vast settee balancing a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits trying desperately to think of something to say.
There before them, stretched out on the rug in front of the fire, is an enormous male Great Dane fast asleep. Suddenly the dog wakes up and starts vigorously licking its balls.
Still desperate for something to say the guy gives nervous laugh and says,
“I wish I could do that”
The girl’s mother replies, in cut glass tones.
“If you give him a biscuit, I’m sure he will let you”
“Come round to afternoon tea and meet my parents”
So he drives his van up the long drive and parks in front of the mansion. His girlfriend meets him at the door and takes him into the huge, huge lounge to have afternoon tea with her parents. Soon he is sat on this vast settee balancing a cup of tea and a plate of biscuits trying desperately to think of something to say.
There before them, stretched out on the rug in front of the fire, is an enormous male Great Dane fast asleep. Suddenly the dog wakes up and starts vigorously licking its balls.
Still desperate for something to say the guy gives nervous laugh and says,
“I wish I could do that”
The girl’s mother replies, in cut glass tones.
“If you give him a biscuit, I’m sure he will let you”
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
One for our seniors
At the senior center Friday night dance--
A very elderly gentleman (nineties), very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a goodafter-shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into the "cocktail lounge".
Seated at the bar is an attractive younger lady (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
A very elderly gentleman (nineties), very well dressed, hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a goodafter-shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into the "cocktail lounge".
Seated at the bar is an attractive younger lady (mid-eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
Monday, January 30, 2006
Here is one of my favorites!
This young lad is sent to prison, and he is put in a cell with an old lag
who has been there donkeys years.
The old lag says "Stick with me son I'll show you the ropes"
They go to the recreation period and sit around a big table with all the
other prisoners. The young lad tells a joke and nobody laughs.
Then another prisoner says "12" and all the rest collapse laughing.
Another says "31" and again all the rest collapse laughing. This goes on for
ages.
Back in the cell the young lad asks "What was all that about? Why are
numbers so funny?"
The old lag explains "It isn't numbers. They are jokes. There are 37 jokes
and we all know all of them - so to save time we just gave them numbers"
"Can I tell one of them? asks the young lad
"No problem" says the old lag "Any number between 1 & 37"
Next evening at recreation the jokes are flowing and the young lad chips in
with "22". Nothing - no laughs, not even a smile.
Back in the cell he asks "Is 22 a bad joke?"
The old lag explains "No Son. It isn't the joke - it's the way you tell it"
who has been there donkeys years.
The old lag says "Stick with me son I'll show you the ropes"
They go to the recreation period and sit around a big table with all the
other prisoners. The young lad tells a joke and nobody laughs.
Then another prisoner says "12" and all the rest collapse laughing.
Another says "31" and again all the rest collapse laughing. This goes on for
ages.
Back in the cell the young lad asks "What was all that about? Why are
numbers so funny?"
The old lag explains "It isn't numbers. They are jokes. There are 37 jokes
and we all know all of them - so to save time we just gave them numbers"
"Can I tell one of them? asks the young lad
"No problem" says the old lag "Any number between 1 & 37"
Next evening at recreation the jokes are flowing and the young lad chips in
with "22". Nothing - no laughs, not even a smile.
Back in the cell he asks "Is 22 a bad joke?"
The old lag explains "No Son. It isn't the joke - it's the way you tell it"
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Why some diets just won't work
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom.
Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Monday, January 23, 2006
New National Symbol
The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Do you remember catching snowflakes on your tongue?
As kids we used to try and catch snowflakes on our tongues.
Maybe it wasn't such a good idea!!
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING
ALL GRANDPAS, HEED THIS WARNING : Do NOT lose your Grandkids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Marketing
The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed, " That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.
However, most people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."
Here it is:
You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed," That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed," That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed," That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed, " That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed," That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
How to get a job at Walmart
This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny... you gotta love it!
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's notpossible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's notpossible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROMLIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
Monday, January 09, 2006
A thing of beauty
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Saturday, January 07, 2006
The wild wild west
In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.
Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up,whipped out his .44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning some things here -- got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much".
Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
Sure will," said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up,whipped out his .44 and shot the
bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learning some things here -- got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"No," said the old timer, "..but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much".
Friday, January 06, 2006
Football
This one is for all you guys that are looking forward to this weekend's playoff games:
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
How good is pork?
A priest and a rabbi are sitting together on a plane.
The priest asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?”
The rabbi answers. “Yes that is still one of our beliefs”
The priest asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
The rabbi says, “Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork”
The prest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
The rabbi asks, “Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?”
The priest answers. “Yes that is still very much part of our faith”
The rabbi asks, “Have you ever fallen for the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest says, “Yes Rabbi,on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and said,“A lot better than pork isn’t it?
The priest asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you do not eat pork?”
The rabbi answers. “Yes that is still one of our beliefs”
The priest asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”
The rabbi says, “Yes on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork”
The prest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
The rabbi asks, “Father, is it still a requirement of your faith that you remain celibate?”
The priest answers. “Yes that is still very much part of our faith”
The rabbi asks, “Have you ever fallen for the temptations of the flesh?”
The priest says, “Yes Rabbi,on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and said,“A lot better than pork isn’t it?
Tuesday, January 03, 2006
Sorry
Hi All -
I am sorry that I have not been posting the daily joke. Between the holidays and the new Jeep I have been really busy.
Sorry!!
Here are some true doctor stories. I hope you ejoy them.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. MarkMacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."! -- Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba,Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes! , the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
AND
Finally . . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."--This doctor would not admit his name
I am sorry that I have not been posting the daily joke. Between the holidays and the new Jeep I have been really busy.
Sorry!!
Here are some true doctor stories. I hope you ejoy them.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. MarkMacDonald, San Antonio, TX
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."! -- Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba,Canada
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes! , the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. --Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered "Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive." --Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." --Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI
AND
Finally . . . . A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."--This doctor would not admit his name
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