I play golf too

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".
Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

Santa's test

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the CASA Flight Operations Inspectors, and the CASA FOI arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to
> Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on take-off.

Second Opinion

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

The knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob', where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effects of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob'. Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful; she remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems."
"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

The woman replied, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

I have sinned

The woman knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at her and said,

"My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin--it's a mistake."

What should we do?

Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh my God!," exclaimed Harry, "what should we do?"

"I'm not sure." said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."

My dog has swallowed a condom

Late one night a vet’s phone rings. A very upset woman pleads
“Please come and see my little doggie. He has swallowed a condom”
The vet reassures her that her little doggie will be OK and she can bring him to the surgery in the morning.
The woman sounds even more up set and pleads again “Please, please come and see my little doggie. He has swallowed a condom”
The vet agrees and drives round to see the dog. When he arrives and rings the bell. The door is opened by a woman who is smiling broadly. Thinking it might be the wrong house the vet says
“I have come to see the dog who swallowed a condom”
The woman says,

“Oh it’s OK now. We found another one”

Rare medical condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to reading his book. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Although assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she takes a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, I couldn't help but notice that you have sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
The woman replied, 'I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before', he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Black pepper.'

What should I wear?

Jimmy O’Brien was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” his CPA replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
“Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”
Confused, Jimmy went to his priest who would surely know the correct answer.
He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the priest. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.”
Jimmy did not understand: “But Father, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“It doesn’t matter what you wear,” replied the priest, “you’re going to get screwed.”

Men never listen!

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.

The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice."

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services."

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.

By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

Affirmative action

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people!

So, the other day passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up front in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we'll all die. . ."

Cowboy boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Accident at the Farm

A young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

Hurry - One Week Only

ATTORNEY HUNTING SEASON REGULATIONS

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout ‘whiplash’, ‘ambulance’, or ‘free Perrier’ for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder -- 2

2. Two-faced Tort Feasor -- 1

3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator -- 4

4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) -- 3

5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut -- 2

6. Honest Attorney -- EXTINCT

7. Cut-throat -- 2

8. Back-stabbing Whiner -- 2

9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser -- 2

10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender -- $100 BOUNTY

11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian -- 7

Twins

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the otherday, just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
I said, “Great. Tell me what you’re so happy about.”
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”
Then, she said “Oh, honey. There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....
(You’re going to love this!)


“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

I hope you don't mind

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Bewarw of the Scots

King Edward is marching into Scotland at the head of the English army. Just over the border he sees a small kilted figure on top of a hill. As they get nearer the figure jumps up and down and screams insults at Edward.
Edward turns to a big burly English sergeant.
“Take a couple of men and sort that Scot out”
The sergeant gallops forward with his men, and the little kilted figure runs away behind the hill.There is the sound of clattering and banging and then silence. Suddenly the little kilted figure is back on the hilltop screaming insults louder than ever. Edward turns to his lieutenant
“Take a company of men and really sort that irritating Scot out”
The lieutenant gallops forward with his men, and the little kilted figure runs away behind the hill.
The banging and crashing goes on for ages and ages - then silence. Then the little kilted figure is back on the hilltop once again screaming insults louder than ever. Edward turns to a knight.
“Sir Kight, Take a whole battalion and kill that impertinent Scot”
The knight gallops forward with all his men, and the little kilted figure runs away behind the hill.
The banging and crashing goes on for ages and ages - then, as before, silence.
Finally a lone figure covered in sweat and blood staggers back towards Edward.

“Sire” he groans, “It is a trap. There are two of them”

Ermine

What is the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A weasel is weasily recognised and a stoat is stoatally different!

Two members of the weasel family lived in the Rocky Mountains.
They fell in love and got married - and so became known as -

The United Stoats of America

New hearing aid

A man was telling his neighbour in Sun City Centre ,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

How would you describe your sex life?

This old man goes to see his doctor for a check up.
The doctor looks him over and says he needs to ask a few questions.
“How would you describe your sex life?” he asks.
“Infrequent” replies the old man.

“Is that one word or two?”