Baby's First Doctor's Visit -

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.


'I know,' she said,'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came'.

Golfing heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his put His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Supplies

A plane crashes over a tiny island. An Australian, British and Chinese soldier parachute safely down. The Brit officer immediately takes charge, says to the Aussie corporal, "You there, you're in charge of establishing a perimeter and lodgings, snap to it!"
To the Chinese soldier, "You there, while I'm establishing a signal fire on the beach, you take care of our supplies. We'll meet back here in 4 hours"
Later the Brit and the Aussie return, hot, dusty, exhausted and hungry. But there's no sign of their Chinese companion. They start beating about the bush, saying, "Where's our supplies?"
They lean over a cocos palm and are shocked as the Chinese leaps out with a big happy smile shouting, "Supplize!"

Like a peanut?

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth.' she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

(It pays to be careful around old people!)

I lied about my age

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend ?'
Bob replies, ' Girlfriend ? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

No profanity

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

The New, New Alphabet

A is for apple, and b is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C’s the chest pains perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read the top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H is for high blood pressure - I’d rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, wont mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few. Just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? Or a quack with that vacuum sucking thing.
R is for reflux, one meal turns into two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know ….

W is for worry, NOW what’s going round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind
Z is for zest that I still have – in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my bodies deployed,
And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Acase of the farts

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Who wants to be a millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Millionaire.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

The wedding night

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY?

40 Year Old Scotch

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

What do you do in America?

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

What food that causes the most grief and suffering?

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

An advert that works

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

Thank goodness!

This woman decided to spice up her life an bought a pair of crotchless panties.
She put them on and sat on the couch waiting for her husband to come into the room. As he sat down opposite her she opened her legs very wide.
Her husband stared and then asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
She replied, seductively, “Yes. I am.”

He said, “Thank goodness! I thought the stuffing was coming out of the couch.”

Public service!

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into
a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family five or six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit," said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home

How Moses got the 10 commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody .

Snowploughs

One winter morning in Michigan a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14inches of snow today. You must park." Then the electric power went off.
Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said.

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

A gynecologist retrains .....

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark." "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done.

"Get out"

A Catholic guy goes into a confessional box. He notices on one side a fully-equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Behind him, a library of excellent reading material.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, it's been a long time since I've been to confession. I didn't know that theywere so much more inviting these days."

The priest replies:- "Get out. You're on my side."

Just remember

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

How is a patient doing?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

I had no idea ...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quicklyoffers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, thegirlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Aussie genie

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said,

"Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Bubba Cooter & Gomer

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up...
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

One last request

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Priest's much loved roses

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."

Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having.
All these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Credit crunch

Japanese Financial Crisis
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, While today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Building worker

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. A young family were living in a house next door to an empty building site.
One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother, who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well ?" The little girl thought for a moment and said ...

"I think so. Provided those c***s from Jewsons deliver the f**king bricks."

Many a snip

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

The knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob', where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effects of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob'. Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful; she remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems."
"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

The woman replied, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

I play golf too

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"
Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".
Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."
Tiger says, "You play golf?"
Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".
Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger
"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"
Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".
Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, - when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

Santa's test

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the CASA Flight Operations Inspectors, and the CASA FOI arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test...
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to
> Santa's surprise, a shotgun. "What's that for?!?" asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on take-off.

Second Opinion

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.' Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36. Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

The knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob', where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effects of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob'. Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful; she remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems."
"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

The woman replied, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

I have sinned

The woman knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at her and said,

"My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin--it's a mistake."

What should we do?

Harry teed up, addressed his ball and took a magnificent swing, but something went wrong and he hit a wicked slice. The ball left the fairway he was playing, and went onto the adjoining one where it hit a man full in the face. He dropped like a rock!
Rushing over to the man, Harry and his partner found him unconscious, and with the ball lying between his feet. "Oh my God!," exclaimed Harry, "what should we do?"

"I'm not sure." said his partner. "But don't move him! If we just leave him here he's an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball from where it lies, or drop it two club lengths away without penalty."

My dog has swallowed a condom

Late one night a vet’s phone rings. A very upset woman pleads
“Please come and see my little doggie. He has swallowed a condom”
The vet reassures her that her little doggie will be OK and she can bring him to the surgery in the morning.
The woman sounds even more up set and pleads again “Please, please come and see my little doggie. He has swallowed a condom”
The vet agrees and drives round to see the dog. When he arrives and rings the bell. The door is opened by a woman who is smiling broadly. Thinking it might be the wrong house the vet says
“I have come to see the dog who swallowed a condom”
The woman says,

“Oh it’s OK now. We found another one”

Rare medical condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds.
The man went back to reading his book. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Although assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.
A few minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she takes a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, I couldn't help but notice that you have sneezed three times, wiped your nose, and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
The woman replied, 'I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. 'I have never heard of that condition before', he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'

The woman nodded. 'Black pepper.'

What should I wear?

Jimmy O’Brien was called in for an audit by the IRS. So, he asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “Wear your worst clothing and an old pair of shoes. Let them think you are a pauper,” his CPA replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice:
“Don’t let them intimidate you. Wear your best suit and an expensive tie.”
Confused, Jimmy went to his priest who would surely know the correct answer.
He told him of the conflicting advice he had received, and asked what he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied the priest. “A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. Her mother advised her to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck and wool socks. But when the woman asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘Wear your sexiest negligee, with a V-neck right down to your navel.”
Jimmy did not understand: “But Father, what does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”

“It doesn’t matter what you wear,” replied the priest, “you’re going to get screwed.”

Men never listen!

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.

The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: 'WW', 'WA', 'PP' and 'ATR'.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.

He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought "Wow,these gals really have it nice."

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services."

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reach out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off. Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.

By the way, your penis is under your pillow."

Affirmative action

Part of Air Canada's recent settlement with the Unions was hiring handicapped people!

So, the other day passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for the flight to leave. The entrance opened, and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a seeing-eye dog, and the other was tapping his way up the aisle with a white cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin; but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up front in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and says,

"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we'll all die. . ."

Cowboy boots

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.

The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"

The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.

The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."

"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."

Accident at the Farm

A young farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and eat dinner with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon back up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Nonsense, come on!" the farmer insisted. "Well, okay," the boy finally agreed, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

"Under the wagon."

Hurry - One Week Only

ATTORNEY HUNTING SEASON REGULATIONS

1. Any person with a valid hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout ‘whiplash’, ‘ambulance’, or ‘free Perrier’ for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

BAG LIMITS

1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder -- 2

2. Two-faced Tort Feasor -- 1

3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator -- 4

4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) -- 3

5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut -- 2

6. Honest Attorney -- EXTINCT

7. Cut-throat -- 2

8. Back-stabbing Whiner -- 2

9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser -- 2

10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender -- $100 BOUNTY

11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian -- 7

Twins

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the otherday, just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, “Honey, I have some really great news for you!”
I said, “Great. Tell me what you’re so happy about.”
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic! We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier!”
Then, she said “Oh, honey. There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said.....
(You’re going to love this!)


“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Walmart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

I hope you don't mind

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Bewarw of the Scots

King Edward is marching into Scotland at the head of the English army. Just over the border he sees a small kilted figure on top of a hill. As they get nearer the figure jumps up and down and screams insults at Edward.
Edward turns to a big burly English sergeant.
“Take a couple of men and sort that Scot out”
The sergeant gallops forward with his men, and the little kilted figure runs away behind the hill.There is the sound of clattering and banging and then silence. Suddenly the little kilted figure is back on the hilltop screaming insults louder than ever. Edward turns to his lieutenant
“Take a company of men and really sort that irritating Scot out”
The lieutenant gallops forward with his men, and the little kilted figure runs away behind the hill.
The banging and crashing goes on for ages and ages - then silence. Then the little kilted figure is back on the hilltop once again screaming insults louder than ever. Edward turns to a knight.
“Sir Kight, Take a whole battalion and kill that impertinent Scot”
The knight gallops forward with all his men, and the little kilted figure runs away behind the hill.
The banging and crashing goes on for ages and ages - then, as before, silence.
Finally a lone figure covered in sweat and blood staggers back towards Edward.

“Sire” he groans, “It is a trap. There are two of them”

Ermine

What is the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
A weasel is weasily recognised and a stoat is stoatally different!

Two members of the weasel family lived in the Rocky Mountains.
They fell in love and got married - and so became known as -

The United Stoats of America

New hearing aid

A man was telling his neighbour in Sun City Centre ,
'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'

How would you describe your sex life?

This old man goes to see his doctor for a check up.
The doctor looks him over and says he needs to ask a few questions.
“How would you describe your sex life?” he asks.
“Infrequent” replies the old man.

“Is that one word or two?”

Merv had no ears

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a tile floor and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way.
One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, “Do you notice anything different about me?” And the gentleman answered,
“Why yes, I couldn’t help but notice you have no ears.”
Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy.
He asked her the same question, “Do you notice anything different about me?”
She replied: “Well, you have no ears.”
Merv again was upset and threw her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
“Do you notice anything different about me?”
And to his surprise, the young man answered: “Yes. You wear contact lenses.”
Merv was shocked, and said, “What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?”
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,


“Well, it’s pretty damn hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!”

Horse playing baseball

This horse wanders into a baseball training ground. It goes up to the coach and asks if it can have a game. The coach is taken aback by a talking horse and gives it a baseball bat.
The pitcher throws up a ball and the horse smashes it out of the ground. The coach says to the pitcher “Give him the fast ball”
Smash it goes out of the ground. Every ball goes flying out of the ground.
The coach says to the horse. “I know it is crazy to pick a horse but you are in the team”
With the horse smashing every ball out of the ground the team makes the finals.
In the final the scores are level in the final innings and the horse comes in to bat. For the first time in the entire season the horse miss-hits the ball which goes bouncing into the outfield.
“Run” screams the coach “Run”
The horse looks round at the coach and says

“If I could run I’d be in the Kentucky Derby”

Honeymoon

So this couple are in the Honeymoon Suite on the first night of the honeymoon. The groom sits down and removes his shoes and socks (as you do).
“Oh” says his bride “Your toes are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had toesillitis when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean tonsillitis?”
“No, my love, I do mean toesillitis, it leaves you with very small toes”
The Groom then drops his trousers.
“Oh” says his bride “Your knees are all shrunken and small”
“Yes - I had kneemonia when I was a boy”
“Dont you mean pneumonia?”
“No, my love, I do mean kneemonia, it leaves you with very small knees”
The groom removes his underpants and his bride comments,

“I see you also caught dicktheria!!!”

I have the breasts of an 18 year old

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, 'Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.'
The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42-year old arse?'

'Your name never came up,' she replied.

See that woman ...

Twelve years into the future and a new US President has been elected. The President-Elect is not only a woman but also a Jewess. Naturally she invites her family to attend the Inauguration.
Her mother says she cannot attend because it will be expnsive to travel.
“I’ll send Air Force One to collect you,” says her daughter.
Her mother says she cannot attend because it will be dangerous.
“I have the best security in the world,” says her daughter.
Her mother says she cannot attend because the food will not be kosher.
“I have the best chefs and can order anything I want,” says her daughter.
So the mother attends and is seated in the front row.
As her daughter is sworn in as President of the USA the mother turns to the person sat next to her and says –

“See that woman up there swearing in – her brother is a lawyer!”

That's nothing

So this lion, tiger and chicken are sat talking.
The tiger says, “I just have to growl and everything in the jungle runs for cover.”
The lion says, “I just have to roar and everything on the plains stampedes.”

The chicken says, “That’s nothing. I only have to sneeze and the whole world panics.”

Vaseline

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young attractive woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough- Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was : Vaseline
She certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes”.?
Asked how she used it, she said “To assist in the performance of sexual intercourse.”
The interviewer was amazed. He said “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always lie and say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but we know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Ma’am, Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out. “

Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Wales.....
At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch, they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over and said, "Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

Every time I breathe ....

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

God is furious

Pope John Paul II gets to heaven.
St. Peter says, "Frankly, you're lucky to be here."
Pope John Paul II says, "Why? What did I do wrong on earth?"
St. Peter says, "God was very angry with your stance on women becoming priests."
Pope John Paul says, "He's mad about THAT??!!"
>
>
>
>
St. Peter says, "She's furious."

How old am I?

A Woman had a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?''
About 32,' is the reply.
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonalds

Blondes!

Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?


They had gone to see Closed for the Winter.

Second Opinion

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on yourspine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, herealized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A newsuit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a newshirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.' Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34.



A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

What do they taste like?”

This man is driving down the motorway and he looks in his mirror and sees a chicken running along behind him. He puts his foot down and gets up to 100 miles an hour.
He looks in his mirror and sees the chicken still running along just behind him.
The chicken then pulls out and passes him. As it goes past he sees it has three legs.
The chicken goes racing up the motorway and down a sliproad so the man follows it.
The chicken races down a country road and then up a farm track and disappears.
The man screaches to a halt in the farmyard and gets out to look for the chicken.
Eventually he finds the farmer and says he is looking for a three-legged chicken.
“Oh” says the farmer, “That’s right – I breed them. My wife and I and my son all like chicken legs so I started to breed chicken with three legs.”
“Wow” says the man, “What do they taste like?”

“Dunno” says the farmer, “ We’ve never caught one!!!!”

BEST SEX IN 50 YEARS

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small pub. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this pub where you leaned against the fence...."
"Oh yes" she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and see if we can do it again for old time's sake?"
"Ooooooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.
There's a police officer (!!!) sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks.
Finally, they get to the back of the pub and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops this trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.
They are bucking and jumping like rabbits for about forty minutes!
She's yelling, "Ohhhh God!"
He's hanging on to her hips for dear life, it's the most athletic sex imaginable.
Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman, still watching, thinks that was truly amazing - the old boy was going like a train! I've got to ask him what his secret is!
As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"



The old man gives a weary smile and says, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

Taking the cow ...

This man is walking along a country lane and he meets a small girl walking towards him. She is leading a large cow with a rope round its neck.
The man asks her where she is going with the cow.
“I’m taking it to the bull, “ replies the girl.
“Shouldn’t you father do that?” ask the man.

The little girl tells him, “Oh no, it has to be the bull!”

Local knowledge

This man gets in touch with an old schoolfriend and agrees to spend Christmas with him in York in Yorkshire. He has never been to Yorkshire before but sets off driving up the M1 and the A1.
He has forgotten to take a map and does not recognise any of the names on the roadsigns. He sees a car in a layby ahead and stops behind it. He goes to the drivers window and taps on the glass. A grey haired lady winds down the window an inch.
The man says.
"I am trying to get to York to visit an old schoolfriend and I am lost. Do you know the York turn-off?"
The grey haired lady says,

"Know it? Know it! I've been married to it for 20 years"

I really am sick

Hung Chow calls in to work and says,
"Hey,boss I not come work today, I really am sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt.
I not come work."
The boss says,
"You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again:

"Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Baby names

A pregnant Irish woman from Dublin gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! a boy and a girl. Your brother from Cork came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"
She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise."
"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"


"Denephew."

Love dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work." the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress" the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.

"Needs ironing." he said.

Bridge to Hawaii

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud,
"Lord grant me one wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said,
“Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but itis hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when the give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when the say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Faith healer

This faith-healer is stood in front of a large audience.
“Have faith in me, my prayers can heal the sick. I can make the deaf hear, the blind see and the lame walk”
“Hallelujah, is there anyone here tonight who wants to be cured?”
A man lurches down the aisle on crutches and staggers onto the stage.
“My friend, have faith. Our prayers will make you whole. I wont embarrass you so I will just call you ‘Number One’ Is there anyone else?”
A second man walks down.
“My friend, I can see no ailment?”
He answers in a high nasal voice “I’ve got a hare lip”
“You shall also be cured, I will call you ‘Number Two’. Both of you please go behind this screen and await your cure. Everybody help me with your prayers”
He goes into a trance, devoutly praying. Then calls out loud “Number One - throw out your crutches”
The crutches sail out over the screen. “Number Two - speak to me”

A high nasal voice cries out. “Number One has fallen over”

Brought his lunch

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown paper bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: 'Do you men know Jesus Christ?'
They shook their heads and looked at each other.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, 'Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?'
One of the steelworkers yelled down 'Why'?

The worker yelled back, 'His wife's here with his lunch.'

Bloody women drivers!!

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 75 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away For a couple seconds ! And when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily.
But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.

Bloody women drivers!!

Know when to run!

Do dogs look like their owners?

I think so.

Redneck in Love

One beautiful afternoon, a young redneck boy runs into his house and yells “Paw, I found her! I found the girl I’m gonna marry, and she’s a virgin!”

Now while this might impress some families, it irritated and upset his father. Pounding his fist on the table, he yells back “There’s no way you’ll marry that girl!

If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she ain’t good enough for ours!”

Diagnosing a Patient

A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a local gynecologist. The doctor took one look at her and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately asked her to undress, afterwhich the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

Doing so, he asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?” “Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.” “That is right,” said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked. “Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.” “Correct,” replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”

“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place.”

Floppy Lips

A sexually active woman told her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept asecret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him. ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself. The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago.’

‘And what about the third rose?’ she asked. ‘That’s from a man upstairs in the burn unit.

He wanted to thank you for his new ears.’

It's how you say it

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes - $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00.”

Favorite Pastime

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. So it wouldn’t be a boring project, he chose to find out peoples’ favorite pastimes. The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.

“Sir, what is your name ?” ; asked the student

“John” ,

“Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime ?”

“Watching bubbles in bath,” came the reply. He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door, when he asked again.

“Sir, what is your name ?”

“Jeff!” ,

“Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime ?”

“Watching bubbles in bath,” was the answer.

Quite amused and confused he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and and all of them had the same pastime “watching bubbles in bath”.

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive college girl opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again - “What is your name?”

“Bubbles!”

The Cow from Minsk

The townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles.

So, naturally, they got the cow from Minsk. It was a great cow had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly.

The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture.

When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left.

When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day.

Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.

"Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"

The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"

The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

Airline Pricing

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.

Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?

Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 different prices up to $200 a gallon.

Customer: What's the difference in the paint?

Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.

Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.

Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?

Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.

Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?

Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3 weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of that week and continue painting until at least Sunday.

Customer: You've got to be kidding!

Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.

Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!

Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sell only a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12 paint.

Customer: The price went up as we were talking?

Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your paint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint as soon as possible. How many gallons do you want?

Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll have enough.

Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don't use it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint you already have.

Customer: WHAT?Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom, hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do the bedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.

Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea that all our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happens if I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.

Customer: But what are all these, "Paint on sale from $10 a liter" signs?

Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon to complete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels, some are empty and there are no refunds, even on the empty cans.

Customer: To hell with this! I'll buy what I need somewhere else!

Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint for your bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room from someone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairway from anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in only one direction, it will be $300 a gallon.

Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!

Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at which you started. A hallway is different.

Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paint in one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.

Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the difference on your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.

Customer: You're insane!

Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

The Salary Theorem

Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people. This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since: Knowledge = Power,
then Knowledge = Work/Time,
and Time = Money,
then Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

Another flood

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard .... but no ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the Tax Department seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the world?".

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

Underwear dust

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied .'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.

Never underestimate a Woman

Man with a hare lip

This man with a hare lip goes to see his doctor and asks for a cure.
“How fortunate” says the doctor, “I have just read of a new surgical technique that completely cures hare lip. However because of the surgery to your mouth you will not be able to eat for awhile”
“Oh dear, how will I be fed”
“Simple we just insert an anal tube into your stomach. It is quite painless. Look, I am just going to have a cup of tea. Drop your trousers and I will literally pour you one.”
The man drops his trousers and the tube is duly inserted, and the doctor starts pouring in the cup of tea.. The man starts to scream and shout.
“What’s wrong – is it too hot. Are you in pain?”

“No, No, There’s no sugar”

Employee of the month

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big 'everything under one roof' department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'
The kid says, ‘Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota.'
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. 'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, ‘One’.
The boss says, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'
The kid says, ‘$101,237.65'.
The boss says, '$ 101, 2 3 7.65?' What the heck did you sell?'
The kid says, 'First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said
down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.'
The boss said, 'A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'
The kid said, 'No the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing!

A lawyer and a blonde

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.'

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Ambidextrous golfer.

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. However, one of them relocated to another city and, to keep a foursome going, the other three admitted a lady lawyer into their group. They then told her that their usual teeing-up time was 6.30 am. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could sometimes be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said,
'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening two-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.The guys were impressed !!!
Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were very amazed, and wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They could not figure her out.. She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!
However, the next week she was 15 minutes late. This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her directly, 'How do you decide if you are going to golf right-handed or left-handed ?'
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'That is easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.'
'From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his schwartz was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.'
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air???'

She said, ...... 'That's when I am fifteen minutes late.'

A turtle was mugged ....

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York where he was mugged by a gang of snails. A detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what took place. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused expression on his face and replied,

“I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

What is the name of this place?

These two men are driving across Texas. They have been driving over the prairie for hours when they come to this town.
One of them suggests, “Lets stop at the fast food joint for a coffee and a bite to eat”
The other agrees, so they stop for a meal. They are sat by the window drinking their coffee and they can see the town road sign – NACOGDOCHES
Neither of them is sure how it should be pronounced.
They decide “We’ll ask when we pay the bill”
At the till the first man says to the girl taking the money,
“Excuse me, but could you tell me how do you pronounce the name of this place”
The girl looks at him, she leans forward and says – very slowly, as if she is telling a small child.

“B U R G E R – K I N G”

Blonde joke

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Church bells

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago , realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

Big words

A group of kindergarten children were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "No baby talk!"
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the SHIT."

What's that noise?

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."