Ambidextrous golfer.

Four lawyers in a law firm lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. It was their favourite moment of the week. However, one of them relocated to another city and, to keep a foursome going, the other three admitted a lady lawyer into their group. They then told her that their usual teeing-up time was 6.30 am. The woman said this might be a problem and asked if she could sometimes be up to 15 minutes late. They rolled their eyes but said this would be okay. She smiled and said,
'Good, then I'll be there either at 6:30 or 6:45.'
She showed up right at 6:30 and wound up beating all three of them with an eye-opening two-under par round. She was a fun and pleasant person the entire round.The guys were impressed !!!
Back in the clubhouse, they congratulated her and happily invited her back the next week. She smiled and said, 'Sure, I'll be here at 6:30 or 6:45.'
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 Saturday morning. Only this time, she played left-handed.
The three lawyers were incredulous as she still managed to beat them with an even par round despite playing with her off-hand. By now the guys were very amazed, and wondered if she was just trying to make them look bad by beating them left-handed. They could not figure her out.. She was again very pleasant and did not seem to be showing them up, but each man began to harbour a burning desire to beat her!
However, the next week she was 15 minutes late. This had the guys irritable because each was determined to play the best round of golf of his life to beat her. As they waited for her, they figured her late arrival was some petty gamesmanship on her part. Finally, she showed up. This week the lady lawyer played right-handed, which was a good thing since she narrowly beat all three of them. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of their strong play that it was hard to keep a grudge against her. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out.Back in the clubhouse, she had all three guys shaking their heads at her ability. They had a couple of beers after their round which helped the conversation loosen up. Finally, one of the men could contain his curiosity no longer. He asked her directly, 'How do you decide if you are going to golf right-handed or left-handed ?'
The lady blushed and grinned. She said, 'That is easy. When my dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous. I have always had fun switching back and forth. Then when I met my husband in college and got married, I discovered he always sleeps in the nude.'
'From then on, I developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice, I would pull the covers off him. If his schwartz was pointing to the right, I golfed right-handed and if it was pointed to the left, I golfed left-handed.'
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, 'But what if it's pointed straight up in the air???'

She said, ...... 'That's when I am fifteen minutes late.'

A turtle was mugged ....

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York where he was mugged by a gang of snails. A detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what took place. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused expression on his face and replied,

“I don’t know, it all happened so fast”

What is the name of this place?

These two men are driving across Texas. They have been driving over the prairie for hours when they come to this town.
One of them suggests, “Lets stop at the fast food joint for a coffee and a bite to eat”
The other agrees, so they stop for a meal. They are sat by the window drinking their coffee and they can see the town road sign – NACOGDOCHES
Neither of them is sure how it should be pronounced.
They decide “We’ll ask when we pay the bill”
At the till the first man says to the girl taking the money,
“Excuse me, but could you tell me how do you pronounce the name of this place”
The girl looks at him, she leans forward and says – very slowly, as if she is telling a small child.

“B U R G E R – K I N G”

Blonde joke

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"

"The jerk called back!"

Church bells

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago , realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even...
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,

"He'd still be alive if the ice cream van hadn't come along."

Big words

A group of kindergarten children were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on "No baby talk!"
"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
"I went to visit my Nana."
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
"I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."
She then asked Alex what he had done.
"I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride, and said,

"Winnie the SHIT."

What's that noise?

On a lonely, moonlit country road a young man's car engine started to cough. Immediately pulling over to a scenic little spot he said to the young lady next to him, "That's funny, I wonder what that knocking noise was?"

"I'll tell you one thing for sure," said the girl coolly, "It wasn't opportunity."

Hokey Cokey!!!

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Cokey" died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

Tax audit

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney. The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead." Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on oneside of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"

Political correctness

From an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term.
This year a definition was required for the contemporary term, 'Political Correctness'.
The winner wrote:'

Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end.'

Three guys in a bar ..........

An Irishman, an American, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At O’Neill’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and O’Neill himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the American says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"

Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to
go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,

"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Blonde's two dogs

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
“Hellllloooooo," answered the blonde.

"They're watch dogs."

Men Vs Women

NICKNAMES
• If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
• If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
• When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
• A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
• A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
BATHROOMS
• A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
• A woman has the last word in any argument.
• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
• A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
• A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
• A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
• A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
• Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
• Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

ER - eat your heart out!

Little Roger Radish is a happy little child without a care in the world, hopping and skipping on his way home from school. Sadly he gets hit by a car and is very badly injured. He lies bleeding in the road when up roars an ambulance and out jump two paramedics, Joe Parsnip and Simon Carrot. They quickly bandage the wounds, put him in the ambulance and speed off with blue lights flashing and siren wailing.
At the hospital casualty ward Sister Potato and her highly trained team of nurses, Leek, Onion and Petit Pois, are waiting. Quickly the little radish is fitted with all the necessary drips and electronic monitors.
Doctor Cabbage examines the little chap and is very worried about his head injuries. Sister Potato says that luckily the country’s top brain surgeon, Professor Brussels-Sprout is actually in the hospital. Professor Brussels-Sprout agrees to operate on the little radish. They are in the operating theatre for hours and hours.
Finally the operation is over and the exhausted Professor Brussels-Sprout goes to see Mr and Mrs Radish who have been anxiously waiting. Professor Brussels-Sprout says,

“ I have managed to save your sons life, but I am afraid he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life.”

Draw a square

This boy is at school and the teacher asks the class to draw a square. All the children draw a nice square except one boy who draws a circle.
Teacher goes round the class praising their work, when she gets to the boy she says
“That is a circle - Go and stand in the corner”

“Where’s that then ?”

You are a consultant

A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a Brand new Lexus SUV advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, and an YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd,
"If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answers, "Sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally, he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and says, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"
"That is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it in his SUV.
Then he says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"
"Okay, why not," answers the young man.
"You are a consultant," says the shepherd.
"That is correct," says the yuppie. "How did you guess that?"

"Easy," answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for addressing a question I already knew the answer to. And you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Legally blonde

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said,

"That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

Proof That the World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.
(Like THAT makes sense.)

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In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)

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Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind'!)

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

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In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
(Ah! Justice!)

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Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is that a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for this stuff?)

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Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

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The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(From drinking little bottles of ???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

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And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their backsides.
(And I thought I had Bad Breath in the morning!)

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Have you found Jesus?

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk answers, 'Yes, I am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus my brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No, I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again -- - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

***
***
***
***
***
***
***
***
'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

1, 2, 3

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So eventually the doctor refers him to an old Gypsy medicine woman.
The medicine woman says, 'I can cure this.' That said, she throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. She collects the ash, then she says, 'This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!'
The guy then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?' The medicine woman replies: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year!'
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, '123.' He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life just as the medicine woman had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'

And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition.

Oklahoma wedding

A cowboy and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room with a good strong bed.
The clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'

The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied, 'Nope, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'

Larry's Bar

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's Bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"

"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's Bar?"

An old cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

The guy who invented crosswords

Our family was in Edinburgh in October '05 and on a whim we decided to take a 'hop-on/hop-off' bus - a great way to see an unfamiliar city. We had travelled the circuit of the 'Auld Town', travelled most the length of the Royal Mile, passed Holyrood Palace and then circled the base of Calton Hill along Regent Road heading back to Princes Street we passed behind the 'Calton New Burial Ground'.

The 'Audio Tour Guide' informed us that; "the inventor of the modern crossword puzzle was a native of Edinburgh and is now buried in the New Calton".

There was a slight wry pause and it then went on to say: "His tomb is that big one, seven across and three down!"

Snoring sheriff

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains.
To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof, I watched him all night."
The third night was s Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning."
They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.”

Removing a curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

Three men were hiking

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.
'Poof! .. God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed:
'God,please give me strength and the tools to cross the river'
'Poof! .. God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
'God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.

'Poof! .. He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

What kind of pills?

A Farmer goes to the bank to borrow money to buy a bull so he can increase his stock. The transaction is made and the banker who lent the money comes by a week later to see how his investment is doing. The farmer complains that the bull just eats grass and won't even look at the cows. The banker suggests that a veterinarian have a look at the bull. The next week the banker returns to see if the vet helped.
The farmer looks very pleased: "The bull has taken care of all my cows, broke through the fence, and has even serviced all my neighbour's cows!"
"Wow," says the banker, "what did the vet do to that bull?""
Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.
"What kind of pills?" asked the banker.

"I don't know, but they sort of taste like peppermint."

Obituary

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

He is a catholic

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya 'think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Sharing peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?''
We can't chew them because we've got no teeth.' she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

(It pays to be careful around old people!)

I didn't recognize you

A 55 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 42 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."

Married for 50 years

A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says,
'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied,
'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps.

'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.

Vacuum cleaner salesman

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?"

Vacuum cleaner salesman

Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" I said. "I haven't got any money! I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder."

I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a bloody good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning. What part of 'broke' do you not understand?"

Poo

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. ' Daddy, where does poo come from? ' she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: ' Well you know we just ate breakfast?’
'Yes ' , answers the girl,
' Well the food we eat goes into our tummies and our bodies break down the food with strong acid, then we take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo. '
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds, her bottom lip quivering, and then she asks:

' And Tigger? '

Poo

A little girl walks in to the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper. ' Daddy, where does poo come from? ' she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: ' Well you know we just ate breakfast?’
'Yes ' , answers the girl,
' Well the food we eat goes into our tummies and our bodies break down the food with strong acid, then we take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet, and that is poo. '
The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him with watery eyes in stunned silence for a few seconds, her bottom lip quivering, and then she asks: ' And Tigger? '

New cowboy boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some onsale, he bought them and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,'Notice anything different about me?'
Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anythingdifferent NOW?'
Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'
Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?
''Nope', she replied.
'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat...'

The power of prayer

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase in no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'

Three rabbits

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.
They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.
The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.
"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.
"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

I just can't think of your name!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her for a while. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

Crushed nuts?

A little old man shuffled slowly into the 'Orange Dipper', an ice cream parlour in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'hemorrhoids.'

Watch that wall!

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the coffin out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan.
They open the coffin and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the coffin.

As they carry the coffin towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

Evolution?!?

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."Two days later the girl asked her father the same question.The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Not since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
'Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?
'Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.'
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, 'It looks like you have seen a lot of action.'
'Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.'
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, 'You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.'
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, 'You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?'
'1955, ma'am.'
'Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean no sex since 1955!'
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to 'relax' him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, 'Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.'

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,' I hope not, it's only 2130 now.'

Little brass bells

Grizzly bears in the US National Parks have started ripping the doors off parked cars to get at the food left inside, and are wandering around close to the carparks. So to avoid hikers walking along trails and running into the grizzlies outdoor equipment shops have started selling little brass bells. The idea is that hikers should sew the little bells onto their backpacks and the bells will go “ting a ling a ling a ling” as the hikers walk along the National Park trails. The bears will hear the bells and won’t be surprised by the sudden appearance of a hiker. The hikers will know that they have not confronted a huge grizzly bear, and they will also know that there are bears in the vicinity because they will see the tell-tale piles of grizzly bear shit by the side of the trail.
How will they know that it is grizzly bear shit?

Easy, that’s the shit with little brass bells in it.

From the mouths of babes

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cursing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

Hypothetic vs Realistic

A little boy came home from school and his homework assignment was to find out what the difference was between hypothetically and realistically... so he asked his dad.

His dad said, "Well, go ask your mom if she would sleep with the mail man for $1,000,000.

He went and asked and came back and said, "She said yes".

"Well", said the dad, "Go ask your sister the same question."

He did and came back and said,
"She said yes."

And the dad said, "Now go ask your brother the same thing."

He did and came back and said, "He said yes too!"

And the dad said, "Well hypothetically we're sitting on three million dollars, realistically we're living with 2 whores and a fag!

The Accident

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled
and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern
medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance
wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for
medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large,
but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he
made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking
quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Annual Check-up

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and
do you have a good relationship with your God?"

George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom
(poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when
I'm done."

"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Sue," he said,
"George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in
awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night
and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes
off?"

Sue exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator
again!"

Shopping Trip

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”

$65,000 Qudestion

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in
her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even
managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove
them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You
know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to
run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked
grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she
cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the
answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane,
now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the
quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily
before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as
Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she
knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running
and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the
heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it
into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"

Oranges for Grandma

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures and suck 'em dry."

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

Cola?

Wonder what the dispatcher thinks.

Top ten indicators that a redneck has been working on your computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have truck parts installed in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Huntin".

4. The CPU has a gun rack mount.

3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh...she got fired too.'

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'

Jerusalem

A reporter goes to Jerusalem , having heard that a man had been praying at the Wailing Wall for 40 years. He did this every day at 11 o'clock.
"Have you really been here every day?" asked the reporter.
"Of course. Without continuity, the power of prayer is weakened," replied the old man.
"What do you pray for?"
"Well, peace in the world, end of hostilities in Iraq , calm in Afghanistan , brotherhood between Israel and Palestine , the end of global warming and so on."
"At the risk of being impertinent, you don't seem to have been very successful," suggested the intrepid reporter.

"I know," said the old man. "Sometimes I think I am talking to a brick wall."

My wife is poisoning me

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"
The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Molly the camel

The Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert.
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly The Camel.'
The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'
About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?',

No not really, sir...
'They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are'.

Any experience?

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been divorced three times."

No flies on me!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh ! Killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked: "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded: "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

2 dyslexics

Two dyslexics in the kitchen and one says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"

"Gas? No, I can't even smell my name!"

Confessional tale

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession.I've had sex with Fanny Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance" Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fanny Green?"
A new woman in the Parish," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance."
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fanny Green?"

The altar boy quietly replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

Hats off

One very windy day, a rabbi is on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blows his shtreimel off his head. The rabbi runs after it, but the wind is so strong, it blows his hat farther and farther away.
He just can't catch up with it, but a young man, a Gentile, witnesses this event, and being more fit than the rabbi, runs after the hat, catches it, and hands it over to the rabbi.
The rabbi is so happy and grateful that he gives the young man a five dollar reward, and lays his hands on the man's head, and blesses him. The young man is very excited about the tip and the blessing, and decides to go to the race track, and bet his five unexpected dollars.
After the races the young man returns home, and recounts his very exciting day at the races to his father.
"I arrived at the fifth race," says the young man, "looked at the racing program, and saw a horse by the name of "Top Hat" running. The odds on the horse were 100 to one - the longest shot on the field. Having received the rabbi's blessing, and the five dollars, and thinking of the rabbi's hat and the horse's name being "Top Hat," I thought this was a message from God, so I bet the entire five dollars on this horse. An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the long shot in the field, and who didn't have the slightest chance to even show, came in first by five lengths!"
"You must have made a fortune," smiles his father.
"Yes," Pop, $500.00, but wait, it gets better," continued the son. "On the following race I looked at the program. A horse named "Stetson" was running.
The odds on "Stetson" were 30 to 1! But Stetson being some kind of hat, and again thinking of the rabbi's blessing, and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."
What happened?" asked the excited father.
"Stetson won big, and I collected a fortune."
"You mean you brought home all that money?" asked his father.
"No," says the son. "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named "Chateau," so I bet all the money on it because the horse was a heavy favorite, and the name also means "hat" in French, and remember it all started with the rabbi's hat! But the stupid horse broke down, and came in last. It wiped me out."
"His father wails, "Hat in French is "chapeau," you idiot, not "chateau," you idiot! You lost all that money because of your ignorance. Tell me, who did win that race, anyway?"

"A Japanese horse named "Yamaka."

Parachuting blind man

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting.When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go."
"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked.
"I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.
"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked.

The man quickly answered. "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack"

Who are you?

A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!" Her face was beaming.
He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before.
Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, "What the hell is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children!
Then he got a little panicky. " I don't remember her", he thought, "but, MAYBE....during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college, perhaps I DID father her child!"
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"

"No!" she said with a horrified look on her face, "I'm your son's third-grade teacher!"

Where does she live?

When I stopped the bus to pick up Chris for preschool, I noticed an older woman hugging him as he left the house.
"Is that your grandmother?" I asked.
"Yes," Chris said. "She's come to visit us for Christmas."
"How nice," I said. "Where does she live?"

"At the airport," Chris replied. "Whenever we want her we just go out there and get her."

Gambling old lady

One day an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the President of the Bank in order to open a savings account, because she said she had a lot of money.
After many discussions the clerk took her to the office of the President. The President asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She said $165,000, while putting the money onto his desk.
Curious, he asked her how she succeeded in saving so much money. The old lady said she made bets.
“What kind of bets?” asked the surprised President. The old lady answered him,
“For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”
The President started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible for her to win.
The old lady replied,
“Would you like to make the bet?”
“Certainly” answered the President, “I guarantee, for $25,000, that my testicles are not square.”
The old lady said, “I accept. But given the importance of the sum wagered I will come back at 10 am tomorrow with my lawyer as a witness”
“No problem” said the President very trustfully.
That evening the President became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, to make damn sure they could not be seen as square and to be sure to win the bet.
Next day at 10 am sharp the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the Presidents office to confirm the $25,000 bet for the fact that his testicles were square. The President confirmed the bet was as agreed the previous day. The old lady asked him to drop his trousers and underwear so she and the lawyer could see everything, which the President duly did.
The old lady came closer and asked him whether she could touch them or not.
“Of course, please do,” said the President, “Given the fact there is so much money involved you must be 100% sure”
And the old lady started to do so with a smile.
The President noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the old lady why the lawyer was reacting like that.

She answered, “It is probably due to the fact that I bet him $100,000 that around 10 am today I would be holding the testicles of the President of the Bank of Canada in my hands”

You don't need a BMW

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog, and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new BMW 7 series. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny B’mer, and managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward, and with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented - best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to “grab his thingie” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?

When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Fancy dress

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.

The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so hewrites a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.


The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:


Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your a**e and go as a toffee apple.

Speaking clock

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors where rather perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” one of the guests asked.
“Why, that’s the speaking clock” the man replied.
“How does it work?”
“I’ll show you”, the man said, giving it an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.
Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,

“For f*ck’s sake, you wanker, it’s twenty to two in the f*cking morning"

Sniffer dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said,"That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

Can I have a penny?

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny." Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"

The Lord replies, "In a minute."

Infant sized

Jim decided to propose to Sandy. But prior to her acceptance, Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts the maturity of a 12 year old’s.
He stated that it was okay, because he loved her so much.
However, Jim felt this was the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity. Jim looked Sandy in the eyes and said, “I too have a problem. My penis is infant sized, and I hope you can deal with that once we are married.”
She said, “Yes. I will marry you and learn to live with your infant- sized penis.”
Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Jim rushed Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, and holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong.
She said, “You told me your penis was infant- sized !”

“It is . . . 8 pounds, 7 ounces: 19 inches!”

Recruitment strategy

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window. Then send two or three candidates in the room and close the door. Leave them alone and come back after six hours and then analyse the situation.
* If they are counting the bricks. Put them in the Accounts department.
* If they are recounting them. Put them in Auditing.
* If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks. Put them in Engineering.
* If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order. Put them in Planning.
* If they are throwing the bricks at each ether. Put them> in Operations.
* If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
* If they have broken the bricks into pieces. Put them in Information Technology.
* If they are sitting idle, put them In Human Resources.
* If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
* If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
* If they are staring out the window, put them in Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least: If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them into Management.

Sara Pipalini

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says, 'Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.
The first nun says, 'I want to be Sophia Loren’ and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, 'I want to be Madonna’ and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, 'I want to be Sara Pipalini..'
St. Peter looks perplexed. 'Who?' he asks.
'Sara Pipalini,' replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, 'I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell.'
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter .
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her andsays.

'No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.'

And there’s more

By now, the poor Bishop was at his wit’s end, trying to find a replacement bell-ringer. One day there was a thunderous knocking at his door. When he opened it, he was confronted by a midget with no arms or legs.
“Yes?”, said the Bishop.
“I’ve come for the job of bellringer”, said the midget.
“Forgive me”, siad the Bishop, “but you seem slightly deficient in both the arm and leg department, so how could you possibly ring these two-ton bells?”

“Knocked on the door, din’ I?”, smirked the midget.

but wait, there’s more...

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there’s a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, “Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man’s brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?”, the first breathlessly asked, “Who is this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop,

“but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

I don't know his name

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job.
The bishop was incredulous.”You have no arms!”
“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”
“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,

“but his face rings a bell.”

This guy is driving along the highway

This guy is driving along the highway and his mobile phone rings.
“This is Head Office. You have just been promoted”
He drives on with a smile on his face, and after a while the phone rings again.
“This is Head Office, we have just restructured the company and you are now a Vice President”
He is so shocked he swerves all over the road and then drives on.The phone rings again.
“This is Head Office. The stress was to much for the President so he resigned and now you are our President”
The guy is so overcome with this news he loses control and the car crashes. A highway patrolman drags him from the wreckage and asks him what happened.

He says “I don’t know Officer. I just careered off the road”

First man on the moon

Technology has moved on and a group of audio engineers were listening to the recordings of the first moon landing. Just before Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon they heard a lot of crackling and static.
They digitally enhance this and hear Neil Armstrong say
“This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
So they phone up Neil Armstrong and ask him
“Did you really say - This is for you Mr Zermanski. One small step for man, one giant step for mankind”
Neil admits that he did and naturally they ask him why. So Neil Arstrong explains
“When I was a little boy growing up we used to live next door to the Zermanski’s. They were always argueing and shouting. I remembered one very hot summers night. I was in bed with all the windows open and I could hear the Zermanski’s shouting at one another in their backyard. Mrs Zermanski shouted,

‘Blow job. Blow job - I’ll give you a blow job when that young boy next door lands on the moon’

Some damn fool

There are these two men, Joe and Bill, who work in a sawmill.
One day Bill accidentally saws off his arm. Joe scoops it up , places it in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the local hospital. Using the very latest microsurgery techniques they sew Bill's arm back on.
Three days later Joe goes to visit his friend and is amazed to see him playing tennis.
"Wow" he says "Aren't these new medical techniques just wonderful"
Then Joe accidentally saws off his leg. Bill scoops it up , places it in a plastic bag and rushes Joe to the local hospital. Using the very latest microsurgery techniques they sew Joe's arm back on.
Three days later Bill goes to visit his friend and is amazed to see him playing football.
"Wow" he says "Aren't these new medical techniques just wonderful"
Finally Bill accidentally saws off his head. Joe scoops it up , places it in a plastic bag and rushes Bill to the local hospital.
Three days later Joe goes to visit his friend and asks how he is.
The doctor says,

"He's dead. Our new microsurgery techniques would have saved him but some damn fool put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated"

Cutting pills

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra."Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"
' I can cut them for you ' said the pharmacist 'but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'

' I am 96 ' said the old man . ' I don ' t want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers. ''

Paddy's fingers

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.
He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.
The doctor looked at Paddy and said, "Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do".
Paddy said, "Oi haven't got da fingers."
"Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? To be sure, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you loik new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?"

Paddy said, " And how da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?"

Wittle wabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, where do you keep the wittle wabbits?"
And the shop keeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy black wabbit or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabbit over there?"
She in turn puts her hand on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

"I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a shit!"

Irish sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money. Between them, they could onlyraise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey.
Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't ! worry, I have a plan, Cheers!'
They downed their drinks.
Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary. Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Lifts rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Disposable nappies remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed on an even keel. The market for raisins dried up. Coca Cola fizzled. Caterpillar stock inched up a bit. Balloon prices were inflated. Andrex touched a new bottom. And batteries exploded attempting to recharge the market.

Smoking in the rain

Two American old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
"What's that?" asked the first old lady
"A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet." replies the second.
Obviously impressed, her friend asks "Where did you get it?"
"You can get them at any Chemist." says the second little old lady.
The next day, the first old lady hobbles into the local Chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a packet of condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

"It doesn't matter," she answers, "as long as it fits a Camel."

It is Thursday!

A business man got in an elevator.When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled, and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain, "'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means "Sorry, Honey,It's Thursday."

Do anything you want

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Deaf genie

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks: “So whadda ya got in the bag?”
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag time pulls out a small piano and a tiny piano bench, setting them on the counter as well. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a gorgeous piece by Mozart. Now the bartender is extremely curious about this odd sight, so he asks the man: “Where the hell’d ya get that?”
The man responded by reaching into the paper bag, but this time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke, then a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish,” she says.
The bartender gets excited by having a wish from a real genie. He had always dreamed about it, but now it’s actually happening. So without even hesitating, he says:
“I want a million bucks.”
So the genie nods her head and disappears in another gust of smoke. A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks. The bartender turns to the man and says:
“Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS.”
To this the man responded:

“No shit! Do you really think, for just one moment, that I would have ever wished for a TWELVE INCH PIANIST?!!”

The miracle of toilet paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he comes up with a suggestion:
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your arse, didn't it?

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man!

Golf injury

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I couldrelieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the manreplied.He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still claspinghis hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened hispants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken'

Best lawyer story ever!

The Red Cross realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most famous and most successful lawyer. So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community through the Red Cross?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh..... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children.'
The stricken Red Cross rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The rep, completely humiliated, says, 'I'm so sorry, I had no idea.'

And the lawyer says, 'So..... if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?'

Teachers presents

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.

"A puppy!"

Doctors do not laugh

The Doctor said 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'
'Okay then' Bob said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.
Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure 'I'm so sorry' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen, 'Bob replied.