BBQ

A man and his wife were working in their garden 1 day and the man looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is 2" wider than the barbecue!!!"

The woman chose to ignore her husband

Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off, "What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers: " Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie ?"

Not Welcome

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"

"Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."

City Slicker

A lawyer from New York was transferred to a small frontier town during

the settlement of the West. After several weeks there he noticed that the town was populated solely by men.

He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when you get the urge for a woman?"

The cowboy replied, "See them thar'sheep up on thet hill. We just go git us one."

"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.

After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any longer. He decided though, if he was going to do a sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right. He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her, put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china plate, dressed her in fine lingerie,and then took the sheep to bed.

After he finished he decided to take his new found lover out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with the sheep under his arm.

The piano fell silent, people dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in shocked disbelief.

The lawyer said, "You bunch of hypocrites. You look at me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."

"That ain't the problem," replied one cowboy. "That's the sheriff's gal you're with."

Adult Video

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.

"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.

A Marine on the train

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog."Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

The next time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Snoring Airman

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Details

First year students at Medical School were receiving Their first anatomy class with a real dead human body.

They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine,it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you should not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."

The Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.

"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students initially freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the anus of the corpse and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at the class and told them;

"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger but sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention!"

The cost of doing business?

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

The Bathroom

Before the inauguration, George Bush was invited to a get acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

There, he was astonished to see that the President had a gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "When I am President, I'll get to have a gold urinal!" Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said, "By the way, I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

Logic

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled,
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Life and Death Statistics

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.

Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"

"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

The Potato Garden

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work.

His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Bubba,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

For heaven's sake, dad, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES.

Love Bubba

At 4A.M. the next morning, F.B.I. agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Bubba.

Wall of Clocks

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Terrorist plot

The government has uncovered a terrorist plot to put bombs in cans of alphabet spaghetti.

If one goes off it could spell disaster.

What did the Pope say?

A woman was at her hairdresser's having her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're flying Emirates," was the reply. "It was really cheap!"
"Emirates?" exclaimed the hairdresser." That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its something special and exclusive, - but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Good luck on this crappy trip of yours. You're going to need it."
A month later, the woman came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Emirate's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $50 million refurbishment, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologised and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Who fu**ed up your hair?"

Doctor, Doctor ....

I went to the doctor 'cause I swallowed a harmonica,,,,
He said "Lucky you don't play the piano"

***************************************

My wife went to the doctor and told him she thought she was invisible,,,,
He said "I can't see you 'til next week"

***************************************

I went to the doctor and told him I thought I was shrinking,,,,
He said "Can't you just be a little patient"

***************************************

I told the doctor my wife thinks she's Daisy Duck
He said "She's suffering from Disney Spells"

***************************************
The American Medical Association researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

***************************************
A lady went to the doctor and said 'My husband thinks he's a refrigerator'.
The doctor said "Don't worry he'll get over it".

She said, "It's not that", she said, "when he's asleep with his mouth open, the little light in there keeps me awake!"

***************************************

Anything to declare?

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
'Of course. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Number of positions

This man goes to give a lecture on Human Sexual Behaviour, and the hall is packed. He explains that after a long study of all the worlds literature he has concluded that there are 35 positions for sexual intercourse.
A voice from the back of the hall shouts “36”

The lecturer says “I am afraid you are wrong, my studies indicate quite clearly there are only 35 positions. The commonest of these is the Missionary position with the man on top of the woman.

The voice from the back of the hall shouts “37”

Never underestimate a Woman

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied .'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'.

Ain't no use knockin

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

You have a prescription

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked Up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I Would like to buy some cyanide.'
The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'
The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband.
That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things Will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!'
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, 'Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription.'

Urban priest

Having grown up just outside New York City, I barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, I married a small-town Ohio girl. While I was in seminary school, I had a temporary assignment at a church in a rural community. The day of my first sermon, I tried very hard to fit in. Maybe too hard.

With my wife sitting in the first pew, I began my discourse: "I never saw a cow until I met my wife."

Economic Stimulus Package

Apparently the Australian Medical Association has weighed in on the economic stimulus package....
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologist considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh,Grow up!'
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided the whole thing should be cut out.
The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the thrust of the proposal.
The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**eholes in Canberra.

What's That?

God said, "Adam,I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross over the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez ..."
And then, just like everything else,God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily,
"I know your not through, What is it now?"

And Adam said

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a headache..?"

Monastery Life

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. "We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"

Three nuns

Three nuns were attending a Rugby final.
Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said,
"I think I'm going to move to Sydney. There are only 100 nuns living there."
Then the second guy spoke up and said,
"I want to go to Tasmania. There are only 50 nuns living there."
The third guy said, "I want to go to New Zealand. There are only 25 nuns living there..."
One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,

"Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns there!"

He looks good

Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, "Gee, Sam sure look good, doesn't he?"

The other replied, "He ought to; he hasn't had a drink in three days."

Credit crunch solved?

It is August. In a small town on the South Coast of France, the holiday season is in full swing, but it is raining so there is not too much business happening.
Everyone is heavily in debt. Luckily, a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a Euro100 note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to
inspect the room located up the stairs on the third floor.
The hotel owner takes the banknote in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes E100.
The butcher takes the money and races to his supplier to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay E100 for pigs he purchased some time ago.
The farmer triumphantly gives the E100 note to a local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.
The prostitute goes quickly to the hotel, as she was owing the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients.
At that moment, the rich Russian is coming down to reception and informs the hotel owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory and takes his E100 back and departs.

There was no profit or income, but everyone no longer has any debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.


COULD THIS BE THE SOLUTION TO THE GLOBAL FINANCIAL CRISIS?

Keep your engine running

An 80 year old man meets his friends and tells them he is going to get married to a 25 year old woman.
“Are you up to it?” They all ask him.
“Keep your engine running” he says “You have got to keep your engine running”
A year later he takes his wife into hospital for the birth of a child.
The doctor says it is amazing for a man of his age.
“Keep your engine running” he says “You have got to keep your engine running”
Another year goes past and the wife gives birth to another child.
“Keep your engine running” he says “You have got to keep your engine running”

The doctor replies, “Maybe you should get the oil changed. Your new baby is black”

Arkansas Razorback Hogs

Last Tuesday, as President Obama got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, Sir."
The President replies: "These are not pigs. These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Excellent trade, sir."

Married 4 times

A woman married for the fourth time at eighty, to an Undertaker the Local Radio asked for an interview, to which she agreed "Who was your first husband?" the interviewer asked
"He was a Banker", she replied
"What about your second husband?" the question came
"That's easy, he was a Circus Performer"
"Did you travel around?"
"Oh yes, for 15 years", she said
"And your third husband?"
"He was a Minister of God" she replied
"And now you are married to an Undertaker, why such diversity?"

"Well, I married One for the money, Two for the Show, Three to get ready, and Four to go !"

Sharing the pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favour
of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 % for starters, explaining that even that was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 % pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50 %. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the milkman dead on the front porch.

It's dark in here

A couple have a young son and the marriage is not too happy so the wife takes a lover. He comes round one afternoon and they go up to the bedroom. They are just kissing when they hear a car door slam. The wife looks out of the window and says,
“It is my husband. Quick hide in the wardrobe”
The lover jumps into the wardrobe. He hears a little voice say,
“It’s dark in here!”
“Who’s that?” he asks.
“I’m their son and I’m going to tell my Dad what I have seen”
“Please do not tell your Dad and I’ll but you a present. What do you want?”
“I’d really like a pair of new football boots.”
“OK How much do they cost?”
“About £50 for some good ones.”
That’s a lot of money but OK if you do not tell your Dad.”

Next week exactly the same thing happens. The husband comes home early and the lover is rushed into the wardrobe. He hears a little voice say,
“It’s dark in here!”
“Who’s that?” he asks.
“I’m their son and I’m going to tell my Dad what I have seen”
“Please do not tell your Dad and I’ll but you a present. What do you want?”
“I’d really like team shirt and some shorts to go with my new pair of new football boots.”
“OK How much do they cost?”
“About £50 for some good ones.”
That’s a lot of money but OK if you do not tell your Dad.”

Later the husband is tidying up his sons room and finds the new football kit.
“Where did you get this?” he asks.
“I can’t tell you” his son says.
“Well if you can’t tell me then you can go the confession and tell the priest.”
So he takes his son down to the church and pushes him into the confessional box. The little boy says,
“It’s dark in here!”
“Not you again !!” says the priest.

Sandals

A married couple were on holiday in Barbados.
They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an West Indian accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in.
The shopkeeper said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'
The shopkeeper replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the shopkeeper, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the mans thighs.

The shopkeeper began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet'!

Bright student

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'Fuck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. ' General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him - 2004.'
The teacher fainted..
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh shit, we're screwed!'

And Chandrasekhar whispered quietly, "The Republicans, November 4th, 2008".

I had one like that!

The visiting Texan farmer, trying to outdo his Australian host made the remark, "You know what? If I get on my tractor at my homestead at 6 o'clock in the morning, drive to the other side of my ranch and back to the homestead, I wouldn't get back until 10 o'clock that night! What do you
think of that?"

To which the Australian replies, "Yeah, I had a tractor like that once."

Mixed blood

On a train from London to Manchester, an American tourist was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make your above the rest of us. Look at me ... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."

Listen to me

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure..
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

What is the difference?

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper .
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says,

"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Two women in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sandra.

2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

We have a case ....

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonay."

Do not talk to my parrot!

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling..
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'

To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'

What's in the other bag?

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

I was shocked

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."

No speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...




(Please scroll down.)




What were you thinking?
Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English!

'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'

Paddy and Mick are walking down a street in London . Paddy happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, Trousers £2.50 per pair.'
Paddy says to his pal, 'Mick, look! We could buy a whole lot of dose, and when we get back to Ireland , we could make a fortune.
Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just let me do all thetalking cause if they hear your accent, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my best English accent. '
'Roight y'are, Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will.' says Mick.
They go in and Paddy says, 'I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up mytruck and...'
The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from Ireland , aren't you?'
'Well ... yes,' says a surprised Paddy. 'How der hell d'y'know dat?

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners.'

Is there baseball in Heaven?

Two ninety year old men, Moe and Sam, have been friends all their lives.
Sam is dying, and Moe comes to visit him every day.
"Sam," says Moe, "You know how we have both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. Sam, you have to do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, and I know you will go to Heaven, somehow you've got to let me know if there's baseball in Heaven."
Sam looks up at Moe from his death bed, and says, "Moe, you've been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I'll do it for you."
Shortly after that, Sam passes on.
It is midnight a couple of nights later.
Moe is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him,
"Moe.... Moe...."
"Who is it?" says Moe sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Moe, it's me, Sam."
"Come on. You're not Sam. Sam just died."
"I'm telling you," insists the voice.
"It's me, Sam!"
"Sam? Is that you? Where are you?"
"I'm in heaven," says Sam, "and I've got to tell you, I've got really good news and a little bad news."
"So, tell me the good news first," says Moe.
"The good news," says Sam "is that there is baseball in heaven.
Better yet, all our old buddies who've gone before us are there.
Better yet, we're all young men again.
Better yet, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired!"
"Really?" says Moe, "That is fantastic, wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching next Tuesday"

It must be a blue suit

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit. He asks, "Wouldn't it be easier just to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
"No," she insists. "It must be a blue suit." She then gives him a blank cheque to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.
She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?"
He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her.
So, I switched the heads."

Doing the wrong thing

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog. A weary American traveller asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."
The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"
The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"
The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.

An Englishman sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly
"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, You've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window".

Cojones

A tall Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied,"Ah señor, you have excellent taste! those are called Cojones de Toto, testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order. "
The waiter replied, "I am sorry señor, there is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order and that evening was served the one and only special of the day.
After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller that the ones I saw you serve yesterday."

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, señor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Just spell one word

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."

Jar of olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

What's wrong?

A father found his small son looking very unhappy.
"What's wrong?" he asked.

The boy said, "I can't get along with your wife."

Bye Grandpa

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:"God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Bye Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Bye Grandma." The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Bye Daddy." Now the father was terrified. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine.
When he got home, his wife was waiting for him. She said,

"Thank God you're here - we just found the milkman dead on our porch!"

Exchange rates

I was at my bank today. There was a short line.
Just one lady in front of me.
An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . .
She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?'
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people,too!'

I am not Happy

As I was driving into the supermarket car park the other day, the car in front bumped into the back of the one in front of him.
The driver who had been hit got out looking rather agitated, I should mention that he was of a very short stature, the man who bumped into him also got out, he was very large.
The little man looked very downcast and said " I'm not happy"

The big man said "Well if you are not Happy, which one are you"

Electra Complex

You are suffering from what is technically known as an Electra Complex," the psychiatrist is informing his blonde female patient. "In other words, you are in love with your father."
The blonde breaks down into hysterical sobbing.
"Now, now," comforts the shrink. "It's not all that bad."

"Yes..(sniff)...yes, it is," the blonde gets out between sobs. "I have no chance at all...he's a married man!"

Two wishes

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe' with a full-grown emu behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'I'll have the same,' says the emu.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That’ll be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, ‘A hamburger, chips and a coke.
' The emu says, 'I'll have the same.' Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.
'Same,' says the emu. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.'Excuse me, mate, how do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'
'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago; I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the emu?'

The truckie sighs, pauses, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ar$e and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

This baby is underweight

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said,'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came'.

from gynecologist to mechanic

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial; he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark.

You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Married for the fourth time

A woman married for the fourth time at eighty, to an Undertaker Local Radio asked for an interview, to which she agreed "Who was your first husband?" the interviewer asked "He was a Banker", she replied

"What about your second husband?" the question came "That's easy, he was a Circus Performer"

"Did you travel around?" "Oh yes, for 15 years", she said "And your third husband?" "He was a Minister of God" she replied


"And now you are married to an Undertaker, why such diversity?"
"Well, I married One for the money, Two for the Show, Three to get ready, and Four to go !"

International cuisine

Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.

International cuisine

Waitress: Are you very Hungary?
Diner: Yes, Siam.
Waitress: What would you like me to Serbia?
Diner: I'll have a Turkey sandwich and a cup of coffee.
Waitress: Would you like anything India coffee?
Diner: Just a Cuba sugar would be fine.
Waitress: Okay, I'll Russia your order.
Diner: I hope the sandwich doesn't have any Greece on it.

Life explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years.. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But the human said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Blonde repairs

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the exhaust pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her exhaust pipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the exhaust pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said,

"Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

4 people on a train

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.
It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.
In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.
The old lady thinks "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"
The pretty young blonde thinks "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him"
The Frenchman thinks "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw*t again"

Three ladies in a sauna

Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna. suddenly there was a beeping sound. The young woman pressed her forearm and
the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. 'That was my pager,' she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.'

The older woman felt very low -tech. not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to
the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her rear end.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman finally said.........well, will you look at that....I'm getting a fax!!

HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction.'

2) 'Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.'

3) 'Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.'

4) 'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.'

5) 'We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that'.

6) 'Beggars are operating on this train.. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.'

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: 'Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.'

8) 'Let the passengers off the train FIRST!' (Pause ) 'Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home....'

9) 'Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions.'

10) 'Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.'

11) 'We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.'

12) 'To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?'

13) 'Please move all baggage away from the doors.' (Pause..) 'Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.' (Pause...) 'This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!'

14) 'May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.'

One wish genie

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The genie said,
"Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each
other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in
a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun,
likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the fu**king map again."

School story

Inflatable pupil goes to his inflatable school and is having a really shit day. Bored in his History lesson he gets up and walks out. Walking down the corridor he sees the Inflatable Headmaster walking towards him and being so pi **ed off about school he pulls a knife out and stabs him.
He thinks "Sh*t better get out of here" and runs out of the School. But just as he gets outside he thinks "Bo*l*ocks I hate School " and pulls his knife out and stabs the inflatable School. He then runs off home.
2 hours later his mum is knocking at his bedroom door with the Police.
Panicking he pulls out the knife and stabs himself. Late on the evening he wakes up in Hospital and looks to his left and the Headmaster is in the bed next to him. Shaking his head the Headmaster says "

“Son, you've let me down, you've let the School down but worse of all you've let yourself down"

Do not use profanity

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Baby's First Doctor's Visit -

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.


'I know,' she said,'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came'.

Golfing heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his put His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying over here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you."
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here," she asks feebly?

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Supplies

A plane crashes over a tiny island. An Australian, British and Chinese soldier parachute safely down. The Brit officer immediately takes charge, says to the Aussie corporal, "You there, you're in charge of establishing a perimeter and lodgings, snap to it!"
To the Chinese soldier, "You there, while I'm establishing a signal fire on the beach, you take care of our supplies. We'll meet back here in 4 hours"
Later the Brit and the Aussie return, hot, dusty, exhausted and hungry. But there's no sign of their Chinese companion. They start beating about the bush, saying, "Where's our supplies?"
They lean over a cocos palm and are shocked as the Chinese leaps out with a big happy smile shouting, "Supplize!"

Like a peanut?

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth.' she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

(It pays to be careful around old people!)

I lied about my age

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the
trophy girlfriend ?'
Bob replies, ' Girlfriend ? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

No profanity

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

The New, New Alphabet

A is for apple, and b is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won’t float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

A’s for arthritis;
B’s the bad back,
C’s the chest pains perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read the top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

H is for high blood pressure - I’d rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, wont mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few. Just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? Or a quack with that vacuum sucking thing.
R is for reflux, one meal turns into two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy” you know ….

W is for worry, NOW what’s going round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I’m left here behind
Z is for zest that I still have – in my mind.

I’ve survived all the symptoms, my bodies deployed,
And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!

Acase of the farts

Doctor, "What seems to be the problem?"

Patient, "Doc, I've got the farts. I mean I fart all the time,"

The Doctor nods, "Hmm."

Patient, "My farts do not stink and you can't hear them. It's just that I fart all the time. Look, we've been talking here for about 10 minutes and I've farted five times. You didn't hear them and you don't smell them, do you?"
"Hmm," says the Doctor,

He picks up his pad and writes out a prescription.

The patient is thrilled "Great doc. This prescription, will it really clear up my farts?"

"No," sighs the Doctor, "The prescription is to clear your sinuses. Next week I want you back here for a hearing test."

Who wants to be a millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Millionaire.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

The wedding night

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY?

40 Year Old Scotch

An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."

Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked cabinet underneath the bar and pulls out a bottle of twenty-year old Scotch and pours the man a shot. The guy drinks it down and says, "That was twenty-year old Scotch. I asked for forty-year old Scotch."

So the bartender goes into the back room and brings out a bottle of thirty-year old Scotch and pours the guy a drink. By now a small crowd has gathered around the man and is watching anxiously as he downs the latest drink. Once again the guy states the true age of the Scotch and repeats his original request for forty-year old Scotch.

The bartender can hold off no longer and disappears into the cellar to get a bottle of prime forty-year old Scotch. Soon, the bartender returns with the bottle and pours a shot. The guy downs the Scotch and says, "Now this is forty-year old Scotch!" The crowd applauds his discriminating palate.

An old drunk who had been watching the proceedings with interest, raises a full shot glass of his own and says, "Here, take a swig of this."

The guy takes the glass and downs the drink in one swallow. Immediately, he chokes and spits out the liquid on the barroom floor. "My God! That tastes like piss," he yells.

"Great guess," says the drunk. "Now, how old am I?"

What do you do in America?

Groups of Americans were travelling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'

A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

What food that causes the most grief and suffering?

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

An advert that works

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
Eight,' the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'

Thank goodness!

This woman decided to spice up her life an bought a pair of crotchless panties.
She put them on and sat on the couch waiting for her husband to come into the room. As he sat down opposite her she opened her legs very wide.
Her husband stared and then asked, “Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
She replied, seductively, “Yes. I am.”

He said, “Thank goodness! I thought the stuffing was coming out of the couch.”

Public service!

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand, pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter
"Want coffee."
The waiter says "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says ..

"Training for position in United States Congress: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the Old Folks Home and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike
most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into
a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family five or six generations."
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
"Shit," said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Old Folks Home

How Moses got the 10 commandments

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'

There, that should offend just about everybody .

Snowploughs

One winter morning in Michigan a couple was listening to the radio while eating breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through."
Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12 to 14inches of snow today. You must park." Then the electric power went off.
Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?" With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman said.

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

A gynecologist retrains .....

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark." "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done.

"Get out"

A Catholic guy goes into a confessional box. He notices on one side a fully-equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Behind him, a library of excellent reading material.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, it's been a long time since I've been to confession. I didn't know that theywere so much more inviting these days."

The priest replies:- "Get out. You're on my side."

Just remember

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anaesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."

How is a patient doing?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

I had no idea ...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quicklyoffers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, thegirlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

Aussie genie

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the "hard earned thirst" quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said,

"Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat."

Bubba Cooter & Gomer

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly...
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Bubba.'
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up...
Roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Bubba.'
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?' Gomer said, 'Well, Bubba had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Bubba with them two assholes.'

One last request

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.

With his last breath John said, "I do!"

Priest's much loved roses

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses.
"Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."
"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."

Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches I've been having.
All these years? Well, they're gone.'
'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'
His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat, ' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
' I do not have a headache '
Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.
His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '
'She's not my wife '

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

Credit crunch

Japanese Financial Crisis
In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, While today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.
While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black.
Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop, and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Building worker

This is a quick story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. A young family were living in a house next door to an empty building site.
One day Joe, Steve and a gang of building workers turned up to start building a house on the empty plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave her very own hard hat and gloves. At the end of the first week they presented her with a pay envelope containing two pounds in 10p coins.
The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother, who suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. "You must have worked very hard to earn all this", said the bank cashier. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with the men building a big house."
"My goodness gracious," said the cashier, "Will you be working on the house again this week, as well ?" The little girl thought for a moment and said ...

"I think so. Provided those c***s from Jewsons deliver the f**king bricks."

Many a snip

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.'

The knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob', where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effects of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob'. Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful; she remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems."
"First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

The woman replied, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."