Yet more of the 12 days of Christmas

31st December

Dear John
When I opened the door this morning, there were actually six bloody Great geese - laying eggs all over the front step. What on earth do you think I can do with them all?
The neighbours are beginning to complain about the smell, and I can't sleep because of the noise! Please stop.

Cordially yours,

Agnes
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1st January

What is it with you and these fucking birds? Now I get seven swans a swanning about the place! Is it some sort of god damned joke?
The house is full of bird shit, and the racket !!! I am becoming a nervous wreck.
It is not funny anymore, stop sending these fucking birds!!!

Agnes.

More of the 12 days of Christmas

28th December

Dearest Darling John,
Oh how extravagant you really are. I must protest, I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens, I insist you are too kind.

You're loving

Agnes

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29th December

Dear John
What can I say? Four beautiful calling birds arrived with the Postman this morning. Your kindness really is too much.

Love Agnes

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30th December

My Dear John
What a surprise, today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for every finger.
You really are an impossible boy, but I love you.
Frankly all the birds are beginning to squawk and get on my nerves.

Love Agnes.

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12 days of Christmas

26th December

Dearest Darling John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful romantic gift. Thank you my darling for the lovely thought.

With deep affection, You're ever loving

Agnes.

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27th December

My Dearest Darling John,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift of two turtledoves. I am delighted, they are adorable.

All my love,

Agnes
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The wall

A CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Fishbien," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f***ing wall."

Lets make sure he's dead

A couple of Florida redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm smoothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then, a shot is heard.

The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

SIGNS ON SYNAGOGUE BULLETIN BOARDS:

1. Under same management for over 5763 years.

2. Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case.

3. What part of "Thou shalt not" don't you understand?

4. Shul committees should be made up of three members,two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University:
"The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

6. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

7. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al.
"Would you like dinner?" The flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front.
"What are my choices?," Moshe asked.
"Yes or no" she replied.

8. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed andsays, "Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?"
Gevarter replies, "I make a nice living..."

9. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning.
Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: "shmuck."
At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, "I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name...and forgot to write a letter."

10. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow "oy."
The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow "oy."
The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently,
"Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren't going to talk about our children."

11. And one final favourite! : A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks,
"Is anything all right?

How to Recruite?

How to Recruite?
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in information technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.
If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning.
And then last but not least. If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management

Redneck Logic

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere

in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math,
history
and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the
professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a

yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN'!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever

heard of! I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the
hallway where Cooter is still waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter says, "What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

Her dog could hardly hear

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the pharmacy and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

I'm looking for my wife ...

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy,
“Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says,
"That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says:
"Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says,

"Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"'No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog."

Letter to Santa

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."

Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

Christmas Tree

Great Christmas Tree - Wonder How It Handles Traffic?

Spiffy Volkswagon

Volkswagen Beetle and the Rolls Royce

A man from Texas, driving a Volkswagen Beetle, pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are
open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls, "Hey, you got a
telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do.."

"I got one too... see?" the Texan says.

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?" asks the Texan.

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? Its right here!" brags the Texan.

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the
Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back
there?"

The guy in the Rolls replies, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here," the Texan
replies.

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off.
Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so
he immediately goes to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car. About two weeks later,
the job is finally done. He picks up his car and drives all
over town looking for the Volkswagen beetle with the Texas
plates. Finally, he finds it parked alongside the road, so
he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels
somewhat awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly
modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the
Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack
and peeks out.

The guy with the Rolls says, "Hey, remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you," replies the Texan, "What's
up?"

"Check this out...I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

The Texan exclaims, "YOU GOT ME OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME
THAT?"

Grandma's Boyfriend

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and
said,

"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to
heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and
the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the screen was filled with static. She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture to come in clearly. Frustrated,
she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,
and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her
boyfriend."

How do you use vaseline?

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young attractive woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheseborough- Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was : Vaseline
She certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was “Yes”.?
Asked how she used it, she said “To assist in the performance of sexual intercourse.”
The interviewer was amazed. He said “I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always lie and say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but we know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Ma’am, Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the bedroom door knob to keep the kids out."

Cough cure

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the female clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The female clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The female clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough.

If I could run ...

This horse wanders into a baseball training ground. It goes up to the coach and asks if it can have a game. The coach is taken aback by a talking horse and gives it a baseball bat.
The pitcher throws up a ball and the horse smashes it out of the ground. The coach says to the pitcher “Give him the fast ball”
Smash it goes out of the ground. Every ball goes flying out of the ground.
The coach says to the horse. “I know it is crazy to pick a horse but you are in the team”
With the horse smashing every ball out of the ground the team makes the finals.
In the final the scores are level in the final innings and the horse comes in to bat. For the first time in the entire season the horse miss-hits the ball which goes bouncing into the outfield.
“Run” screams the coach “Run”
The horse looks round at the coach and says

“If I could run I’d be in the Kentucky Derby”