Read the card

A Polish immigrant went to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test, The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

Get yourself a worrier

Mick goes down to his local pub. Paddy is sat in the corner, keeping very quiet and looking miserable.
He says, “What’s the matter Paddy?”
Paddy says, “Everything. I think my wife is having an affair, I owe a fortune on my credit cards, my car won’t start, and I don’t feel very well.”
Mick says, “I know what you should do. Go onto the internet and find your self a professional worrier.”
Paddy asks, “What’s that then?”
“Just a bloke who takes all your stuff and does your worrying for you.” explains Mick
A couple of weeks later Mick goes back to the pub and Paddy is singing in the karaoke, dancing at the disco and telling jokes.
“What happened?” asks Mick
Paddy says, “It’s all thanks to you. I did go onto the internet and I have a professional worrier – he is great.”
Mick says, “That’s wonderful. How much does he cost?”
“£500 a week” says Paddy
£500 a week. You can’t afford £500 a week” exclaims Mick

“I know but that’s my worrier’s problem now”

Three women go to Mexico

Three women go to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in The morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent."
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and they release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
"I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one (you know it), a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Oklahoma and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya'll right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."

THE Carolina-Clemson Game

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Carolina-Clemson Game. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Carolina-Clemson game, the biggest sporting event in the state, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Carolina-Clemson game we haven't been together since we got married in 1970."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

I think I'm a moth

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's surgery and says, "Excuse me, can you help me. I think I'm a moth."
Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."
Man: "Yes, I know."
Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "Well, the light was on."

Pet rooster

An old farmer went to town to see a movie.
The ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"
The old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes."
I am sorry sir," said the ticket agent."we can't allow animals in the theater."
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls.
He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.
The movie started and the rooster began to squirm.
The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.
"Marge," whispered Mildred.
"what?" said Marge.
"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."
"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.
"He undid his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.
"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge." at our age we've seen 'em all"

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!!"

Three tests

A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills... The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it!
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"
"Well... you pay ten dollars... and IF you pass three tests...you get all the money!!!"
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up! “What are the three tests?"
"Pay FIRST..." says the bartender... "Those are the rules."
So the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it into the jar...
"OK," the bartender says, "here's what you need to do...
FIRST: You have to drink that ENTIRE GALLON of pepper tequila... the WHOLE thing, all at ONCE... and you CAN'T make a face while doing it...
SECOND: There's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth...You have to REMOVE the tooth with your BARE HANDS...
THIRD: There's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has NEVER reached orgasm during intercourse... You've gotta MAKE THINGS RIGHT for her."
The man is stunned... "I know I paid my 10 bucks... but I'm not an IDIOT! I WON'T DO IT!!! You have to be NUTS to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those OTHER THINGS!!!" "Your call," says the bartender, "but, your MONEY stays where it is..."
The man has a few drinks... then a few more... Finally...he asks,
"WHERRRRE'S ZAAAAT TEQUIIIIIILA?!?!?!"
He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp...Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face...
Next... he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up...The people inside the bar hear a HUGE, NOISY SCUFFLE going on outside...They hear the pit bull barking... the guy screaming...the pit bull yelping .. and
then....

SILENCE .

Just when they think the man SURELY must be dead, he staggers back into the bar ... with his shirt ripped... and large, bloody scratches all over his body... "NOW!......" he says...

"WHERE'S THE OLD WOMAN WITH THE SORE TOOTH ?!?!

Home on the range

Two buffalo were standing on the range when a passing tourist said, "Those are the mangiest, scroungiest, most moth-eaten, miserable beasts I have ever seen."

One of the buffalo turned to the other and said, "You know, I think I just heard a discouraging word."

Tried and trusted

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

A little guy is sitting at the bar

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.
The poor little guy starts crying.
"Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered my wallet was still in the cab. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me.
So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison"

I am 92 years old

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old . I'm telling everybody."

A man with a hare lip

This man with a hare lip goes to see his doctor and asks for a cure.
“How fortunate” says the doctor, “I have just read of a new surgical technique that completely cures hare lip. However because of the surgery to your mouth you will not be able to eat for awhile”
“Oh dear, how will I be fed”
“Simple we just insert an anal tube into your stomach. It is quite painless. Look, I am just going to have a cup of tea. Drop your trousers and I will literally pour you one.” The man drops his trousers and the tube is duly inserted, and the doctor starts pouring in the cup of tea.. The man starts to scream and shout.
“What’s wrong – is it too hot. Are you in pain?”

“No, No, There’s no sugar”

Hymn #365

A Southern Baptist minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The choir leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing,

"For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River?"

Bottle of Merlot

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there ," indicating the sender. She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman. It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back.

Hiding in the closet

A woman was having a passionate affair with a lover. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, .. "Those little bastards....."

No matter how big they are!

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in. The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly takes off her top and says,
"Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her handbag shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.
The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks,
"What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."

French connection

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." (and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to post this on the website.)

Well, I figure I have nothing Toulouse.

Hospital visit!

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o the puddin race, Aboon them a ye take yer place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."
Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds: "Some hae meat an canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat an we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, O the panic in thy breasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."
Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

Load of bull

This man is walking along a country lane and he meets a small girl walking towards him.
She is leading a large cow with a rope round its neck.
The man asks her where she is going with the cow.
“I’m taking it to the bull, “ replies the girl.
“Shouldn’t you father do that?” ask the man.

“Oh No. It has to be the bull” explained the little girl

The Pope was having a shower

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church.".
"This picture is my lottery win" said the photographer. "I'll be financially secure for life."
So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million quid.
The Pope then dried himself off, and headed off with his new camera.He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.
"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "how much did it cost you?"
"Two million quid" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION QUID!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming."